Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Solicitors letter to DH mistress in affair

475 replies

Bub3017 · 06/04/2018 20:17

Hi,

Can I send a letter from my solicitor to the other party in my partners affair; seeking compensation or an apology due to being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under from finding out my partner had an emotional affair that later led to sex?

And yes I am being genuine!!

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 09/04/2018 15:21

She really isn't just as bad as your OH but you don't want to hear this, even though you came on here to ask advice. HE cheated on you, OP even though she knew he was already taken.

Write a letter and then burn it.

speakout · 09/04/2018 15:25

*SHE IS JUST AS BAD AS SHE KNEW HE HAD A FAMILY, SO COULD HAVE SAID NO!! But she didn't so she's as guilty in my opinion.
*

No, your husband behaved worse than this woman.

She had no commitment to you or your family- he did.

It was him that broke the trust- not her.

StormcloakNord · 09/04/2018 15:26

I hope the counselling goes well OP, you seriously need it.

speakout · 09/04/2018 15:29

It wasn't the other woman who cheated on you OP it was your OH.

She wasn't the one lying and cheating.

What did she owe you? Apart from some noble idea about sisterhood and not playing around with married men- but that's it really.

She wouldn't have had a sexual relationship with a married man if he did not want it.

Walkaboutwendy · 09/04/2018 15:31

I have to agree with Bluntness if you're relying on other women to say no when your husband wants to have sex with them because he is married then it's not a relationship with a good foundation.

In the nicest way are you scared to really probe deeper because of what you may uncover? Sounds like issues from your childhood are influencing your thinking.

Your pain is palpable OP and I feel for you but you've got to get to a place where you can see this situation clearly. If you decide to continue your relationship then do it from a place of complete honesty with yourself.

Original poster
Bub3017 · 09/04/2018 15:34

I asked advice about something, but a lot of people on here have decided that the right thing to do is vilify me. It may have been crazy but I needed to vent and ask to alleviate my need for doing something as ridiculous.

I've been called a potential murderer by one commenter, like seriously wtf was that about?

Yes he cheated and broke his promise to me and our children, but she could have said she didn't want to get involved with something so bloody messy. They are both as bad as each other, she herself has kids and said it had been done to her!!

The counselling is going fine, but it is more to do with dealing with what went on when I was a kid as it isn't helping the things that's happened in the present.

OP posts:
Tara336 · 09/04/2018 15:34

They are both to blame! Besides which do you even know what tales he might have told her?

Original poster
Bub3017 · 09/04/2018 15:37

I have been honest with myself. I know what I want and I don't expect other women to say no on his behalf but she encouraged and facilitated it by booking, paying and organising the sordid night away as it didn't come out of his pocket thankfully!!

Yes the things that went on in my past have resurfaced but if I didn't want to try again I wouldn't have him there given what I went through when I was younger. It's taken a lot of strength for to realise that I'm not ready to give up just yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bub3017 · 09/04/2018 15:38

I know of some the tales she told him.

I know that he talked about issues with our son with him who is currently waiting to be assessed for ADD and that it was someone to talk to and someone who listened.

OP posts:
speakout · 09/04/2018 15:43

it was someone to talk to and someone who listened.

And somehow his dick just slipped in.

speakout · 09/04/2018 15:44

Some women like dating married men.

Good luck to them I say.

Dancingmonkey87 · 09/04/2018 15:44

You would sound bonkers if you send that you have chosen to stay with a man who decided to put his penis in another woman. Yes the women of she knew the situation was wrong but the main fault should fall at his door. The fact your giving it another go you need to let go or move on, on your own. I speak as someone who’s ex cheated on me with his ex when we had a baby together.

elisenbrunnen · 09/04/2018 15:45

OP - you are obviously hurting and lashing out. It's natural to think she is 'as bad' and if she hadn't 'thrown herself at him' etc etc - but if she hadn't had the affair with him, another would have. She was just the one you found out about.... how many others are there out there who did say 'no'?

My Dps sister was cheated on; they divorced. She then had a sordid (and I mean that; the details were horrible - and having been cheated on didn't seem to make any difference to her) affair with an unmarried, but partnered man (he was in a relationship for 25 years, with 2 teenage kids) - His OH threw him out; Sister could have the cheating twat. Sister and he are now shacked up in a caravan parked in a field. That's her Karma. And his.

I know what I'd do - your Dp would be out, and gone. I'd use the anger you feel to rebuild myself, without any 'man' . Then it cannot happen again!

speakout · 09/04/2018 15:48

A cheat is always a cheat.

That broken trust crosses the line for me.

OP this may not be the first affair he has had while with you and probably not be the last.

You have seen his true colours.

His relationship with you did not mean as much as you thought it did.

Screaminginsideme · 09/04/2018 15:48

Sweetie I know your pain!

You have every right to feel angry towards both of the people who have hurt you.

I really hate all the ‘she doesn’t owe you anything’ comments. How about common decency and women not deliberately doing things that will hurt another woman. How about society not being okay with adultery. Both parties are to blame and both are vile, dispicible excuses for humans beings.
I’m not saying your OH is an innocent cos he’s not he is a selfish prick but women who have affairs with men who are married or in a relationship are scum just as much as the men.

Write that letter. Keep it or burn it show it to your oh. Write it over and over until you don’t need to anymore.

In Some states in America wronged spouses have the option of financial recourse from adultery. it is still illegal in some states.
As hard as it is keep your dignity and pride. She isn’t worth your energy.
If he is repentant, has gone NC with her, is doing everything you ask him too to try and make amends and you want to try to keep your relationship then that is you business and I wish you luck.

speakout · 09/04/2018 15:53

but women who have affairs with men who are married or in a relationship are scum just as much as the men.

I disagree.

The cheating partner is far more to blame. He will not only be lying to his wife but probably his mistress too.
"My wife doesn't understand me"
" My marriage is all but over"
" We sleep in different rooms"
" I only stay for the kids"

Ya de ya.

Booie09 · 09/04/2018 15:55

Maybe you should direct your anger at your partner, you were in a relationship with him. If he is deceitful to you how can you be sure she actually knew about you? He could of spun her all the lies in the world! She may not of even known about you.

Sunshinewater · 09/04/2018 15:56

Just write her a letter anyways without the solicitor. Though I’d write it to release all the anger and burn it. Let’s face it, this woman has no conscience nor any standards. She doesn’t care that she has hurt you, your kids or fractured your family unit. You can’t make someone that self-cantered feel bad. So it’s pointless. While your partner should have the decency to communicate issues he was having within your relationship or within himself instead of escaping into an affair. It still takes two tango and she shouldn’t have been circling around yours and his relationship like a shark looking for blood. Can’t stand lowlifes like that.

Sunshinewater · 09/04/2018 15:59

And women who justify other women’s homewrecking ways. Says a lot about your lack of standards and class as well ;)

speakout · 09/04/2018 16:02

Let’s face it, this woman has no conscience nor any standards. She doesn’t care that she has hurt you

You don't know that.

This snake may have been spinning her a web of lies too.

Sunshinewater · 09/04/2018 16:06

And you don’t know that she didn’t know the ins and outs of their relationship during the emotional affair. And if she did know and he did say he is unhappy or going to leave, you still have no right to interfer in someone’s relationship full stop.

Sunshinewater · 09/04/2018 16:08

She knew he had a partner and kids so knew exactly what she was at.

There you go, not the saintly other woman after all.

Cottongusset · 09/04/2018 16:11

You are barking mad - sorry but that's what I think.

Original poster
Bub3017 · 09/04/2018 16:18

@cottengusset how am I mad?

OP posts:
speakout · 09/04/2018 16:20

sunshine

  • I repeat what I wrote:

The cheating partner is far more to blame. He will not only be lying to his wife but probably his mistress too.
"My wife doesn't understand me"
" My marriage is all but over"
" We sleep in different rooms"
" I only stay for the kids"

Ya de ya.

Swipe left for the next trending thread