Emotional abuse

[fedupmummy1]

Hi, my first post. My husband is and has been vile for years. He's been emotionally abusing me.

Good example would be yesterday when I had the misfortune of moving furniture with him. He got very stressed, called me all names under the sun, belittled me and used words like moron to describe me. He didn't apologise. This has been going on for years. I've had counselling, he has.

He puts it down to something with me that just winds him up....(most of the time, I am
Just bring me, calm and normal).

My girls 8 and 9 now just block this out and I'm concerned about the effect this is having on them.

I've tried to make it work, I've tired to hard. I'm tired and at my wits' end. Am I fighting a losing battle?

Help!

Hey this sounds like hard work. I’m no expert but I’m leaving now emotionally abusive relationship and it’s something I wished I’d done sooner. Your happiness and being ina position to model a good relationship to your girls are two things you can’t really put a price on. If he doesn’t see the error of his ways and it is affecting your mental health and he continues to shout and be verbally abusive then it could be a losing battle.

Nothing you try will make this acceptable. Nothing you try will make him stop. Why should it? It works for him, and he obviously doesn't care that he's making you so unhappy.

It's a toxic environment for your children, it's miserable for you, and you deserve better. Why would you stay?

Don't let your children think that this is normal.
Children take their experience of normal into their adult lives and very, very often will end up in the toxic relationships that repeat the behaviours they've been used to.
Save yourself from this desperate situation and even more importantly, save those precious girls of yours.

It is a lost battle and it's time to make changes. Please call women's aid and start taking practical steps to end this. But you have just made the most important first step - realising it's not a good way to live. You and your DCs deserve better.

Your girls aren't blocking it out. They are internalising it. They are frightened, distressed and will start showing signs of anxiety. They are learning how to behave to avoid being in the firing line. They are learning how men treat women and that women must accept it. They feel sorry for you and want to protect you but also angry at you for failing to protect them. Your girls will have lives marked by mental health issues and equally dysfunctional relationships. You need to get out.

You are clearly a decent person who has tried to make the situation better with counselling and now you are reaching out again.

Thank you. It's something I have been battling with. I love him and don't want to break my family up but the way he spoke to me the other day seemed to ignite something for me.

My priority is my girls, they are 8 and nearly 10. Has anyone got any advice about how to handle this with them? I do tell them that I am cross with daddy for speaking to me like that and he shouldn't. Etc etc but it's so hard...

I'm going to speak with him at the weekend. Then give him one chance to go on an abuser/anger management course.

Xx

This is the last exchange.... 

I can't tell you how to make him see how wrong he's being. Very few abusive people are willing to accept responsibility for their actions.

All you can do is tell him it's unacceptable, and that the next time he treats you like that your relationship will be over.

He won't believe you. And if you do then tell him you're leaving, he'll try to manipulate you into staying.

If you really want to protect your children from him, your best bet is to leave him. Don't tell him you're going. See a solicitor, get everything ready, and just do it. Tell him once you're gone.

I was in one for years. My DS is the most loving, polite, young man but can snap and I can see his father. They might block it out but it's so influential on them. Other DD is anxious and under CBT.

I've left years and he's abusing a new woman.

They don't change.
Agree above. I pretended I was taking stuff to charity shop. Bag of documents and memory boxes. Be prepared. Keep yourself safe.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this still for you?. Are you basically confusing love with codependency?. What is there to love about this man?.

Your children are learning very damaging lessons about relationships from both of you. You as their mother are teaching them that currently at least, your H's abuse of you is still acceptable to you on some level.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and just what are they learning here?. This is no legacy to leave them.

If your priority is indeed your DDs here your best course of action is to seek legal advice asap with a view to divorcing him. No AM course will help him and such men never willingly attend; AM is not a cure for domestic violence. He has a problem with anger, your anger when you call him out on his abusive behaviours. He is not like this with other people is he, he is probably all sweetness and light around them too.

Thank you. He says I'm overreacting and being disproportionate. I'll give some recent examples:

1. I decided to Hoover and made us 5 mins late for a taxi. He started to scream and shout at me, swearing and calling me names in front of our friends au pair. When I wouldn't sit next to him in the taxi (I needed some time to calm

Down inside), he went off in a huff and said that I was being difficult, that it was all my fault. I told him I simply needed space. He didn't come out that evening.

1. I asked him to help move my daughter's wardrobe. He screamed at me for 45 mins and called me a moron and pathetic (I'm actually quite strong because I go to the gym). When I dared to look upset he said I was making more of it and trying to play the victim.

1. After my Mum died, I got very depressed and ended up on antidepressants. We had two young kids and I felt very low. He ended up having a fling with one of my friends and when I found out he said it was my fault and that I wasn't showing him enough attention.

1. Driving down to France, I had packed the car. When one of his shirts fell, he started screaming at me that I had packed the car all wrong, was useless etc etc

He has calmed down a lot and has been to therapy although he managed to convince the Counsellor that he didn't have anger management issues!!!

He grew up in a home where his mum and dad threw things at each other, screamed and shouted and his dad eventually left after several affairs. His Mum is a kind but cold and strict lady. He knows he has issues stemming from his past.

Do you think anger management would work if I give him an ultimatum?

I've started to speak to friends and family and they have been supportive. They can all see what's been going on.

I told him yesterday am that I was fed up with the abuse, he said I had a problem with managing discord and he would pay for me to have therapy! (I remain very calm
These days, I NEVER argue back, I just tel him that he has upset me and that I won't tolerate him speaking me like that). He said I have princess syndrome and that he only shouted Re the wardrobe because I was being particularly useless!!!

Despite how upset I was yesterday am, he went drinking all afternoon and came home around 7. I went to the spare room and got a good night's sleep (he won't move from our marital bed, ever!)

Financially I depend on him and am overdrawn but I have put a plan in place to save up
Some money over the coming months, just in case. I now work and do earn a decent wage so I know that with careful management I can survive.

I need to get my head around it all and speak with him properly. I don't want to rush it....

Thanks for your support, I know what I need to do and am feeling strong

Xxxxx

He's treating you terribly, OP. That shouting at you, blaming you for his infidelities? Just awful.

Do you think anger management would work if I give him an ultimatum?

He's had therapy. He convinced the therapist he didn't have anger issues. Why would more therapy be different? Therapy only works if the person having the therapy wants it to work, and believes they need help. It's not going to work with him because he doesn't believe he's at fault.

You deserve so much better than this awful, spiteful man, OP.

Get out
Ring women's aid. Or find your local domestic abuse service. Phone the police if he's shouting and frightens you.

I wouldn't even tell him your going.
Do you own the house you are in jointly ?
If so police can be there when you get him to pack his bags.
Same if it just your house in your name.

If it's rented just pack a bag. No therapy changes that.

I've had a breakthrough. I told him I was no longer able to put up with this. He's agreed to seeing a psychologist. Counselling doesn't work...he needs proper help. He said he would do anything as he doesn't want to be like this. I explained that I was no longer willing to put up with ANY outburst, not one. It is never ok. I also explained about the girls and the effect it is having on them. He learnt this behaviour from his father and his father from his farther and I am not prepared for my children to inherit it too!

This is the last chance, he seemed to take it on board.

Thanks for all of your support xxx

I hope it works out OP. Remember that actions mean more than words and right now all the breakthrough is, is words.
Stay strong and firm. The chances of change are very very slim.

You are probably right but I feel I need to give it once more go....I saw a couple of close friends today and they said I was talking as if I had already made my mind up. I think it will take a lot to come back from this but I need to give it one more try for the sake of my kids. I don't think I'll ever feel the same way about him after what he's done and I know that I deserve to be happy.

Xxxx

I really feel for you. I do also understand why you need to try once more but, believe me, he will wear you down eventually. Maybe not this time, or the next time but he will chip away at you until you don't feel anything any more. I do hope he gets help and changes but its rare that men do. You sound like a lovely person who deserves to be treated with respect and love.

What you should be doing for the sake of the kids is removing them from this horrific situation.

Their mental health is more important than you wanting to salvage a marriage.

I can't understand why you'd stay until your girls are this old? Why have you let them be exposed to this? It's probably too late for them now and they're just going to end up marrying someone just as horrendous as their father why does he get so many chances to fuck up over and over again, while your girls have to suffer?

You need to see reality op

I think you're now finally in a position of power but you MUST mean every word you said and stick to it. I'd hazard a guess he doesn't truly believe you and knows he can guilt trip you back in. If he even hints at going back on his word you must immediately take the action you told him you would and do not hesitate. It's your only chance, if there is one.

I wish you all the luck in the world. You and your children must come first now. He's got to take responsibility.

I understand why you are trying to keep your family together but I have to agree with others that your children are being damaged by this environment. He is a manipulating bully as if you read your comments back he keeps blaming you for his behaviour. I stayed way way too long in the same situation and I managed to walk away. I will not pretend it was easy but I feel so much better now. I just got completely sick of the put downs and constant disrespect and I kept making excuses for his behaviour in my head. He’s a grown man who is choosing to behave like this. Please get you and your girls out of there

I am sure you are all right. In the back of my mind I know that this is very unlikely to change but I want to give him the opportunity.

He's currently sulking, telling me that he hasn't slept properly and he feels sad. It's always about him!! I'll get the, do you really love me question later along with more sulking....I know the pattern!

I am feeling incredibly strong, I chatted with a friend last night about splitting money when you get divorced and I know I will be ok. I've started looking at houses and am going to see my counsellor on Friday to chat through a plan.

I know it seems like I'm giving him one more chance but he's going to have to work very hard....

Xxxx

Your girls aren't blocking it out. They are internalising it. They are frightened, distressed and will start showing signs of anxiety. They are learning how to behave to avoid being in the firing line. They are learning how men treat women and that women must accept it. They feel sorry for you and want to protect you but also angry at you for failing to protect them. Your girls will have lives marked by mental health issues and equally dysfunctional relationships. You need to get out.

This. With giant clanging bells on.

So you know he isnt going to change?

I'll say it again then:

Their mental health is more important than you wanting to salvage a marriage.

Get a grip. Stop prioritizing your own ego and your arsehole husband over your innocent children. You are hurting your girls.

You only mention his affair once. Why the hell are you with this awful man?