Emotional abuse

[fedupmummy1]

Hi, my first post. My husband is and has been vile for years. He's been emotionally abusing me.

Good example would be yesterday when I had the misfortune of moving furniture with him. He got very stressed, called me all names under the sun, belittled me and used words like moron to describe me. He didn't apologise. This has been going on for years. I've had counselling, he has.

He puts it down to something with me that just winds him up....(most of the time, I am
Just bring me, calm and normal).

My girls 8 and 9 now just block this out and I'm concerned about the effect this is having on them.

I've tried to make it work, I've tired to hard. I'm tired and at my wits' end. Am I fighting a losing battle?

Help!

What was the trigger. Actually it was me. I went out with a friend (male) he kissed me when we were very very drunk and I realised that I felt alive. Like I'd not felt in years. I felt no guilt. So I knew that any love or respect for my exH had gone, due to his own selfish behaviour.

It took me about 4 weeks from this point to get my ducks in a row and get sorted so I understand.

Hi Glass of...yes, all sweetness and light in terms of people we know but then the turns on me or the girls. We have a few incidents at Xmas when he been vile when my Dad and brother were around but they didn't want interfere.

I've just do dishes work until Monday. Am
Going to cat up on sleep and think about things properly

Thanks again xxxx

Thanks Treacleboots, so helpful. I am at that point. A few years ago I met a guy in a bar in Portugal and he gave me attention. Nothing happened but he was nice to me and made me feel good. It sparked something in me....I was 40. Since then I've had various comments and nice looks and after 10
Years of feeling a nobody I finally have the confidence to know I still have something, that when the time is right, I' can be happy again thanks again for your lovely messages xxx

Breaking point was when I had tried everything to make things better. Tried Relate counselling but he continued to make out that I had a mental illness, counsellor terminated the sessions as he began to blame HER for our marriage break up. He said if I left I would never see my DD again. I just bit the bullet said I was going swimming with DD, packed and left. I even tried to make things work after I moved out but it just dragged it out. In the end the fact he couldn't take responsibility for his actions made me realise he was never going to change and I would have become more and more surpressed. Best decision was leaving. I do miss him sometimes and he hates me now but 100% happier and DD doing well in current situation. Only you know how much you can put up with xx

I only escaped when my ex said he wanted a break. My son was only 6 at the time. He was really happy when I told him his dad wasn't coming back. He'd never criticised him before or anything, but as soon as he knew his dad was out of the picture he visibly relaxed. My other son started sleeping through the night for the first time in years too. It was such a heavy weight but an invisible one.

I so wanted to make my marriage work and thought if I just tired harder I could. What I didn't see until long after was that it wasn't broken, that's how my rd wanted the marriage to be, with me on eggshells and him in charge of when and how I might be happy or sad.

It's only once that weight has lifted that you feel free again.

And the reason it's such a terrifying idea to be on your own is because you've been conditioned to think he is in charge. Being alone means you are in charge and it feels like that isn't allowed.

But it's so much easier to be a single mum than walk on those eggshells.

Fedupmummy1, you sound like such a lovely caring person, but sometimes they're the ones who get 'shit on'
If your husband is willing to be a good father and husband, then if/when you leave, he'll realise what he's lost and if he's got any sense, he'll do anything to prove that he can change.
Good luck with everything. X

Thanks Peekyboo. I think a break will do us all good....he's been on best behavior tonight after his outburst and told me that he doesn't want
To be that person. I've heard it all before
Though :(

I'm glad you are happier and I hope to be again soon.

Thanks again xxxx

I don't know if this will be familiar to you, I remember thinking to myself that things were going really well as it had been 3 full days since he lost his temper.

It was one of those moments when I suddenly thought, This is no way to live.

trixksy12345 - exactly. A friend did that, she left, closed his parents, gave him an ultimatum, he CBT and now he is so
Much better. Maybe asking for some space is that way to go. I'm not sure he'll ever change and I'm not deluded to think he will but maybe a couple of weeks in a hotel will make him finally see reality! Xxx

Asking for space is asking permission. Tell him you're taking a timeout and you'll decide when you've had enough.

Please don’t let your daughters suffer this abuse any longer, you have to break out of this completely toxic environment and undo the lessons they have learned, for their sake, their future relationships will be damaging ones if this continues, please save yourself and your girls OP, this has gone on long enough, you and they deserve an emotionally healthy life, not an abusive one and honestly the longer you stay with him the more you are reinforcing the message that this is how men treat women, I saw it with my own mother and my first relationship from age 15 to 19 was with a man who abused me in every way possible, I thought it was the norm

Peekaboo, yes, when he's been nice (mainly because he can see how upset I am)!it feels
Like a victory! Totally understand what you mean and it's no way to live as you say...and your comment about not asking, telling....thank you! Great words of wisdom said in a kind way. Really helping me get my head straight. I'm going to tell him that I need space, he needs to move out for a while. It's the only way he'll know how serious I am xxxx

And the reason it's such a terrifying idea to be on your own is because you've been conditioned to think he is in charge. Being alone means you are in charge and it feels like that isn't allowed. But it's so much easier to be a single mum than walk on those eggshells.

I totally agree with this, I was convinced I would not be able to survive or cope alone because I was so stupid and didnt have any common sense (according to ex). And I was also worried about how he would cope alone.

In the end it was the best thing I ever did, my daughters are aged 10, 8 and 5 and even they say they we are glad we don’t live with daddy anymore. They see him regularly but recognise that he is not an easy person.

You must do this for your children if not for yourself.

Thanks you user...I know you are right whixh is why it has come to breaking point. Now action. I've just finished work for a few days and will be able to think straight! Thank you xxx

Thank you mamechanger for being so understanding. My OH also plays that card, that I need him, I am useless. We'll I'm not, I've lived on my own before, taken the girls on holiday before when they were young. Coped for days without him (even when was ill). I'm already doing everything so what am I losing? Just an angry person who constantly criticizes me! Xxxx

You will also be losing someone who had a fling with your friend after your Mother died because he felt neglected.

@fedupmummy1 he will be distraught because he can no longer dump his hugely disgusting behaviour into you and joy of joy for him also get to blame you. Win win for him. That's why he'll be sad. I was with a similar vampire and the Freedom Programme started me off on the road. Also the book by Lundy - find it through author search and read it well!

Good luck OP. I know from the inside how insidious and difficult this is. We almost have Stockholm syndrome in this situation. Just remember that if he wanted to leave he would not feel sorry for you or guilty. He would blame you.

Keep trying to leave until you do for your sake and for the girls. It is WITHOUT DOUBT the best thing for them and our dcs deserve our compassion whereas our abusers don't.

Thanks both, I hear you and thanks for your support, I feel
Stronger every day xxx

Please leave! I feel like I'm reading about my life (minus the children so I appreciate you may have more ties) but I was living with my ex for years and put up with the same abuse to the point I thought it was normal and perhaps I was an idiot or a moron like he'd tell me over and over.

Once day he'd been awful to me to the point I was in tears and then told me I was taking him to work. I grew some balls and said no! And he threw a washing basket at me whilst i was sat in a ball on the floor so hard it left a mark on the wall behind me. It was the first time his aggression had got very physical.

When he left for work I just clicked and thought WHAT AM I DOING!! I just left there and then I didn't even tell him. And i promise you I have never looked back not once. I felt the guilt you feel about leaving him alone but that's his doing. If he'd have made the effort to change his ways you wouldn't have left. He only has himself to blame.

I'm now with the best man I've ever met in my life and I know he would never dream of speaking or treating me that way and it's the happiest I've been in my life. I look back and wonder how it even took me so long to leave.

YOU'RE WORTH MORE! No one should make you feel like that. It's awful and wrong and it's so much easier said than done but trust someone who's been there and done it you have the power to change your life for the better.

I really wish you well and hope you find happiness in your situation whatever that is :) xxxx

OP this sounds horrific! You don't deserve to be treated like this - i don't have any practical advice other than to say that staying and putting up with his is so much worse than the initial terror of leaving - I hope you find happiness and strength to walk away.

And yes, this is what they do. ThEy twist things so you feel like you're going mad, so you feel sorry for him, so you blame yourself when it's not you OP and it never will be.

Well, I have an apology and an admission that he is completely in the wrong. He's also admitted that when he's shouting at me, it's something that's triggering it from his past. He says he feels ashamed and wants to get help.

Whilst I am realistic that this is still just words at this moment and he may not be able to change, at least he has admitted guilt.

I've told him it's something he needs to sort out and that if he ever speaks to me again then I'm off. I've also told him that I have no idea how I'll feel and there are no guarantees that we will be together. He needs to do this for him primarily...

I feel a relief that it's all out in the open, I am feeling strong (I've looked into finances, houses etc) and I am confident that I am now in a position to walk away if things don't change (and there's still no guarantee)

Xx

Well, I have an apology and an admission that he is completely in the wrong. He's also admitted that when he's shouting at me, it's something that's triggering it from his past. He says he feels ashamed and wants to get help.

Whilst I am realistic that this is still just words at this moment and he may not be able to change, at least he has admitted guilt.

I've told him it's something he needs to sort out and that if he ever speaks to me again then I'm off. I've also told him that I have no idea how I'll feel and there are no guarantees that we will be together. He needs to do this for him primarily...

I feel a relief that it's all out in the open, I am feeling strong (I've looked into finances, houses etc) and I am confident that I am now in a position to walk away if things don't change (and there's still no guarantee)

Xx

He will say whatever he thinks you need to hear, OP.

I am so sorry to see that you have been brainwashed into thinking that an admission of guilt is some sort of victory for you. It isn't. If he was truly serious and 'ashamed' he would leave of his own accord, get intensive therapy, and then in a couple of years approach you to try dating again, IF you were still waiting for him. But that isn't going to happen because he is just telling you what you want to hear.

He has lost nothing at all, and you have yet again resorted to giving him a last chance. Now he is going to make sure that you think you are in charge whilst carrying on exactly as before. Oh, and now with both of you blaming his upbringing or whatever.

It is exactly like the way you describe telling your children that his behaviour is unacceptable whilst blatantly carrying on showing them that you accept it. The lesson for them? -That a man can treat them any way he wants and even though they will know it is horrible and wrong, they must carry on taking it nevertheless.

Fedup. Your H is just like my exH who put me through years of emotional and verbally abuse, until I didn’t know whether I was coming or going.

Only when you step back can you really see how manipulative men like him are. Ive had the ‘i’m the one at fault, I’m sorry’ excuse a few times. Mainly when he knows I’ve had enough, such as when he had the decree nisi in his hand. It didn’t last, it never did.

The hardest part is to convince yourself this isn’t just a little part of him, it IS him. The longing to have the man you thought you married back is the biggest handicap to freedom. Once you realise he is irrevocably damaged by his childhood and will never change you will be able to end it.

This has been going on too long for it to be the odd slip on his part. This is who he is and you will never change it. If he were capable of changing it he would have done so by now.

My exH always knew when to tread lightly (when I had a well paid job and able to get my own mortgage) but always slipped back once he felt secure that I wasn’t leaving.

If you can go, go now.