Emotional abuse

[fedupmummy1]

Hi, my first post. My husband is and has been vile for years. He's been emotionally abusing me.

Good example would be yesterday when I had the misfortune of moving furniture with him. He got very stressed, called me all names under the sun, belittled me and used words like moron to describe me. He didn't apologise. This has been going on for years. I've had counselling, he has.

He puts it down to something with me that just winds him up....(most of the time, I am
Just bring me, calm and normal).

My girls 8 and 9 now just block this out and I'm concerned about the effect this is having on them.

I've tried to make it work, I've tired to hard. I'm tired and at my wits' end. Am I fighting a losing battle?

Help!

He won't changed OP, this is who he is, you know that deep down, you are just desperate to have a normal relationship when in fact you are just wasting more of your time on a man that sees you as a verbal punch bag, he says he will change because you've finally stood up for yourself, it won't last though, you'll be back at square one before you even realise.

I can't actually believe you are making your two daughters suffer this abuse as well, instead of focusing on him and his poor poor childhood that has turned him into a nasty prick, you should be concentrating on providing a harmonious and abuse free upbringing for your children, they should matter a zillion times more than him, but i guess you will call me unsupportive too but i honestly think you need a massive wake up call.

My girls 8 and 9 now just block this out and I'm concerned about the effect this is having on them.

How utterly sad is this.

Hi Fedup

For me the catalyst was when things became physical. He'd often gotten in my face before and made me feel threatened but this time he actually threw a wooden basket so hard at me it left a mark on the wall behind me (it missed thankfully).

However after I left I realised I should never have let it get to that point. I wasn't in love with him anymore, I was scared to lose the routine of my life as it had been for all those years.

Honestly I can't say what will be best for you, I can only draw on my own situation. Perhaps your husband is genuine and he will be able to make you happy again. This was not the case for me and I'm now with a wonderful man who treats me with respect and has made me see just how bad things really were.

All I would say is that if you decide to stay please do stick to your word and leave if it happens again. Each time you stay, your threat to leave becomes less and less believable to them. My partner banked on the fact I always forgave him and although I eventually did leave it makes me mad to think of his smugness each time I did!

Relationships should be about love and friendship and never wanting to see that person hurt especially by you! I despise the thought of being the cause of pain for the man I'm with now because I love him truly and I want only to build him up in everything he does and he wants the same for me. That was lacking from my ex relationship.

I hope you find this whether it be with your husband or not because we all deserve it! xxx

Thanks Adora - yet another aggressive post! I AM making changes and I AM protecting g them and I HAVE spoken to them about it and told him that he doesn't speak to us like that anymore🙄🙄🙄

I am doing everything I possibly can.

Please, no more aggression - be kind! I'm sure that what you said could have been said in a nicer way!!!

Aggressive? Where about OP? Do you honestly think after all the years of abuse you now talking to him is going to suddenly make him turn into a different person, nah me neither.

You really need to wake up, you'd rather spend your time on here criticising folk like me who are giving you good advice than actually do anything about the fact that your husband is abusing, not just you but two very small vulnerable girls, they are already damaged, how exactly do you want it put OP, a nice way when this is anything but a nice situation.

Give them a life they deserve, they did not ask to be embroiled in your horrible and dysfunctional relationship.

Adora

I can't actually believe you are making your two daughters suffer this abuse as well,

That's not nice! I am trying my very best to protect them from this and actually seeing my daughter's reaction (or lack of) when he shouted at me a couple of weeks was the catalyst for me to stand up for myself....

I'm just asking for understanding and kindness...

The OP is doing her best Adora. It's not easy to make the decision to change things if you've lived with it as normal for so long. She's working her way through things. OP keep posting and keep moving forward.

Sorry if you find my advice unhelpful but I stand by it I'm afraid; I'd say exactly the same to a good friend, no frills, no dressing it up to be something it is not.

I hope your OH takes on board that he's on his last chance but I think it's not going to be the outcome you want, I hope you find the strength to get yourself and your girls away from him sooner rather than later.

Thanks Lisette xxxx 😘

I don't find it unhelpful at all, I just don't like the time and the assumptions you are making. As Lisette says...I'm trying my best x

Tone not time x

The only person being nasty and harsh here is OP, to people posting their own experiences of this very very black and white issue. Abusers are beyond contempt, children subjected to abuse are damaged for life.

I’m out.

I'm 47 fedup and I'm still dealing with the fallout of an abusive parental marriage. I have asked them to get help but they're in their 70s so unlikely to change. I married a wonderful man who has many of the qualities that my gran had so I'm lucky that I didn't just land with someone who was abusive. I saw another way of behaving through my gran. Could you get counselling alongside this process? Not counselling with him but just for yourself. Also there's something called 'the freedom programme' which helps you spot behaviour which is abusive in partnerships.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Also Lundy Bancroft's book ' why does he do that?'

The fact that your H is talking about you now having ‘control’ demonstrates this is how he sees life and marriage. He has seen you previously as someone he should have unquestioning control over. It’s when you step outside his line he uses verbal abuse to bring you back under control.

This is a classic way of thinking for abusers of all kinds. Their brains are set in these patterns like concrete, demonstrated by him saying you now have control. They just can’t change. The acceptance of responsibility etc is mostly a ploy to continue to control you. How many years has he had to take responsibility and yet he hasn’t? The first time he kicked off at you should have been when this taking responsibility happened. Not years down the road.

I’ll say it again. A bad upbringing doesn’t make for a bad person. They make a choice or it’s in their genetic makeup. Just hear what he’s saying to you in these rages. It’s honestly how he views you. I realised this and love, friendship and compassion died.

No relationship is about control. It’s about collaboration.

Forget about him and his issues. Concentrate on creating a better life for yourself and your daughters. People here have been through this and know how you feel. End it while you are strong and have a good job.

From an interview with Lundy Bancroft:

'Louise: One last question: What are the signs that an abuser is not changing?

LundyBancroft:

1. He tells you that you should be appreciating how much he has changed
2. He says "I can't be perfect" as an excuse to keep doing abusive things
3. He thinks it's okay to keep being abusive, as long as the incidents are farther apart than they used to be (e.g. he says, "You are so upset with me, and I haven't done anything like that in a long time - I've been really good")
4. He tells you that now it's time for you to focus on the changes that you need to make
5. He is disconnecting from you emotionally in other words, the reason he is being less abusive is that he is simply not being anything very much he's withdrawn
6. He is continuing to make excuses
7. He says "We're getting along better," which means that as soon as you start to stand up to him or challenge him forcefully again, he'll be going right back to his old ways
8. He still gets impatient when you try to talk to him in a serious way about the things that are really important to you in life, including your desires for the relationship.'

I’ve been reading this thread with great interest. Started yesterday and just finished catching up.

I am in an almost mirror like situation but I’m not married to OH. Two DDs. One just about to turn 8 the other 10 in a few months.

I also at several stages suffered depression. Did not work.

There’s been endless projections on to me how everything is me, my fault etc so I’m the end I believed it all. Took all the blame. It sucked my soul right out of me.

After nearly 12 years of emotional abuse I have decided to leave but am struggling to execute my decision so to speak.

My daily mantra is what example am I setting to my DDs? I cannot, will not, carry on living like this for their sake. This is NOT normal and what life is like.

I really wish you all the strength in the world OP.

cinnamon I'm sure more savvy posters than me can come up with a practical checklist of things to do for you: gathering financial docs, passports, putting away escape cash, prelim meetings with solicitors etc.

Many who've made the leap speak of how much they are at peace without the carping and blame. Take care of yourself.

cinnamon from reading other threads people suggest ringing Women's Aid. They can help you with an exit plan.

Lisette; thank you.
I guess I just have a mindblock with how To approach this. I will look into calling Women’s Aid this week.