Emotional abuse

[fedupmummy1]

Hi, my first post. My husband is and has been vile for years. He's been emotionally abusing me.

Good example would be yesterday when I had the misfortune of moving furniture with him. He got very stressed, called me all names under the sun, belittled me and used words like moron to describe me. He didn't apologise. This has been going on for years. I've had counselling, he has.

He puts it down to something with me that just winds him up....(most of the time, I am
Just bring me, calm and normal).

My girls 8 and 9 now just block this out and I'm concerned about the effect this is having on them.

I've tried to make it work, I've tired to hard. I'm tired and at my wits' end. Am I fighting a losing battle?

Help!

I could kill him! I’ve got a house full of kids, he’s been lying around watching TV today when he should have been working: I’m still working now!!) he came downstairs and asked if we could eat soon. I said I was still working (\and looked stressed) and asked if he could tidy up the kitchen. He said he didn’t really want to. I just said I was very busy with work and needed to tidy up!! He accused ME of speaking to him badly. He’s delusional!!! He’s now gone to the pub. I would have been grateful for some help..: it’s so out of order x

He then tried to twist things and said he's fed up of the way I speak to him. That I got everything in the wrong order. He's right, I'm wrong. It's messing with my head!!

I feel so low, I've had years of this. I actually thought I was going mad at one stage.

Is this what they do? Is this how they operate?

Please help xxx

PRzie OK - please don't speak in that tone. It's very upsetting. It's got nothing to do with my ego. I don't have one, in fact I can't tell you how awful I feel about myself right now.

It's not as easy as just leaving, I know I need to but I need to make sure that the time is right.

I came here for support, not judgment and nasty words like that

Womens Aid can and will help you move on and away from this man. Such men do not change and you cannot afford to waste any more time for him to have an epiphany which will not happen. He enjoys the power and control he has over you and will not give that up for anything.

Your DDs cannot afford to grow up seeing you as their mother being abused by their father. They are also learning about relationships from you and currently they are being shown that this treatment of you is still acceptable to you on some level.

In answer to your earlier question, this is precisely what abusive men do and how they operate.

There is never a right time to leave but staying with this person at all now simply gives him more opportunity to abuse you and in turn your children who are also all too clearly seeing this abuse of you.

Anger Management as well is no answer to domestic violence which is also what this is. Its not going to work, there is also a high failure rate of such programmes. He has a problem with anger, your anger when you rightly call him out on his behaviour. He is likely to be all sweetness and light to those in the outside world; abusive people can and do come across as being plausible.

Thank you. I feel like I'm having a panic attack and I have got blotches all over me...it's horrendous.

I just feel so helpless

Get out hun. I know it is hard. it will be hard at first but as someone that has come out the other side of this situation I can't tell you how amazing it feels to be free of being treated like crap...day in day out. If you have a good job, use it to your advantage, stay with a friend, change the locks anything. He won't learn :(

You know what, I care about him and I feel bad that he'll be on his own. The thought of making him sad makes me feel
Awful which is why I'm hesitating. I can't bear to put him through that.

I know it sounds crazy, it's the type of person I am. I don't want to hurt him but I know that I need to get the girls out of this horrible situation

Xxx

Yes you do need to get your girls away from him. My father was/is like this and my relationships with men have been shocking right to this present day. I've become a single mother by choice never had a long term relationship never felt worthy of anyone decent and been highly promiscuous over the years. Please I beg you sort it out while there's time.

This is unfixable. He has done this, not you.
Save your girls from growing up thinking it's normal to be treated this way. Get away from this excuse for a husband and father.

Attila, exactly that. I had some friends over yesterday....he was tidying up the kitchen yesterday in front of them and when I dared to ask
Him
Today he reacted badly. He's since apologized. I'm at breaking point x

You know what, I care about him and I feel bad that he'll be on his own. The thought of making him sad makes me feel
Awful which is why I'm hesitating. I can't bear to put him through that.

I'm sorry I made you feel bad but I really want you to see something. This statement ^ is your ego talking.

You've decided you are the source of this man's happiness and security and if you go, he will somehow never recover.

That is not true.
You are not that powerful.

He is in charge of himself. He is a grown man. he can take care of himself.

You aren't God. He can live without you.

That's what I mean by ego. You are effectively saying that you can't leave him when he's been so horrendous to you, because you are somehow in charge of his happiness but that isn't true.

I wish you well but I also think you need to get real here. You can't save him. You're not his saviour, you're a mum and your children need you to be brave for them.

When I asked my exH to leave (after months of similar shit) he kept coming back and saying how bad this was for him, how stressed and Ill HE was. Not once did he ask me how I was. I knew right then I'd made the right decision.

Your DH saying he'll change then repeatonf exactly the same behaviour shows he's not capable or willing of changing. He's said what he thinks you want to hear to keep him in your good books for another few days. Sadly it doesn't last.

Judge people by what they DO not by what they SAY.

Remove this horrible man from your and your DCs lifeas soon as possible. He won't change and you deserve someone who will treat you with respect. (Or no one, you're fine just as you are)

Strap on that pair of balls and tell him where to GTFO.

Not sure why you keep posting PrizeOik, you don't get me or my situation at all. It's not my ego at all. I'm not trying to save him and I know I'm not in charge of his happiness. I just care. It's really that simple. I think you are confusing me for someone with low intelligence.

Please don't post again, I'm here because I need to talk, because I don't want to bore my friends, because I have enough emotional intelligence to not tell my family all of the time what an utter shit he is.

I understand everything you are saying, believe you me, there is nothing you have said that I haven't thought or I don't get. I am just speaking with you all because I need support, to vent how I feel to speak to people who have gone through the same thing.

Please stop with your aggressive posts. Get off your high horse and please, no more messages. I need support at the moment. That's why I came here

Xxxx

Thank you TreacleBpots. I know what I need to do. I'm sure you can appreciate that I am just waiting for the time that is right for me.

I still care about him, despite everything. I know that sounds crazy but I do.

I have taken a big step by posting this week to n here and confiding in close friends and my brother about my intentions. It has been a huge weight off my mind to speak to people in similar positions.

I'm sure I will give the same advice in hindsight but I'm not there, and I need to get it all mentally, physically and financially sorted out before I take the bold move of leaving (or asking him to leave).

I've been storing this up for years. It's having an effect on my mental and physical health. I know that I can't continue like this..

I work, do most of the household chores and look after the girls. I am trying my very best to sort out this issue.

What was the turning point for you? What did he do? What happened? What changed?

I've taken huge steps this week and thanks for all of your support, I do know what I need to do. It's the doing it that's the hard bit

Xxxx

Glassof....yes, this is my biggest concern.his father was the same and his father. Now we have two girls. I grew up in a loving home with a wonderful, emotionally intelligent, loveing father and I am very grateful for that. My OH grew up with a narcissist for a father who treated his mum terribly.

He does at least recognise that it's out of order but as a lot of you say, a leopard rarely changes his spots. He keep saying he will but I am busy focusing on what I need to do to leave, and when.

Xxxx

kattysvatty - I'm so sorry about your situation. What was the trigger for you? How long had it been going on? What did you do? How? X

Thanks LiLd. I know this the their behaviour over the last few months has alerted me to this which is why I'm here. What your experience. How can I get out quickly? Should I just ask him to leave?am I within my right? X

beautifulbridue. What happened? When did you leave? What was at he trigger... thanks so much, I do know. I still care about him and I know that he will be distraught and that saddens me but I know what I need to do xxxx

Thanks numptynuts for you kind works iof support. I stayed strong today when he was trying to do exactly that. I called him on it and am
Getting storing my the day xxx

Thanks 2018anon, I do feel like a caring person and I don't want to drag him, our family through the mud which I s why I am trying to sort it out in the least confrontational way and with care And love. This is what is best for my children xxx

Looselipspinkships - you are so right, actions not words. I must take responsibility aa live let him get away with murder for years. Silly me! May biggest regret x

Well that's one up on my dad because he thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. Fwiw my lovely mum has a narcissist for a mother very similar to my dad in many ways. It's anything for a quiet life with my mum. I always have to say if I'm sick of being spoken to like shit. Then I'm 'causing trouble ' my dad is so nice to anyone who isn't me and my mother it's truly nauseating. Is your husband like that?

Thanks on the rise. I've got an appointment with my counsellor on Friday and I'll talk through options. I know it's too late, the damage is done. Just need to get over this emotional hurdle zxxx