Emotional abuse

[fedupmummy1]

Hi, my first post. My husband is and has been vile for years. He's been emotionally abusing me.

Good example would be yesterday when I had the misfortune of moving furniture with him. He got very stressed, called me all names under the sun, belittled me and used words like moron to describe me. He didn't apologise. This has been going on for years. I've had counselling, he has.

He puts it down to something with me that just winds him up....(most of the time, I am
Just bring me, calm and normal).

My girls 8 and 9 now just block this out and I'm concerned about the effect this is having on them.

I've tried to make it work, I've tired to hard. I'm tired and at my wits' end. Am I fighting a losing battle?

Help!

This thread has angered me because it could have been my victim narcissist mother posting about her shitty husband. I’m the daughter of a woman who chooses to stay in an abusive ‘marriage’, they both love the drama and keep it going and keep trying to drag me back into it. I grew up walking on eggshells, waiting for the abuse cycle to go back to the building up stage, feeling so angry and helpless and like I had to protect my mother who put her desire to have a man above my mental health. Having all that cortisol and adrenaline pumping round my developing nervous system has done lifelong damage. Making children live in an abusive household is child abuse and I will not forgive my mother, I see her very briefly, occasionally, and am proud to live my life to the opposite of her. She reaps what she sowed. Every day in an abusive home does damage. Home is meant to be a haven, safe, but for children of abuser(s) its the opposite and it destroys us.

I should also say if he wanted to change he could have I’d done so by now. These outbursts are something he probably enjoys deep down. My exH used them as a pressure valve and always felt better after. Unlike me. My exH went initially from feeling sorry for his outburst to blaming me for them. It’s what abusive people do. They can’t bear to feel bad or guilty so they shift the blame onto the other person. Great strategy. No guilt and they can carry on as always.

Op,
You sound like the type of Woman "that has a baby to save the marriage" .... we all know it never works.

Have some self respect for yourself, please.

Does anyone have any examples of people who have changed?! What happened to rehabilitation? What happened to recovering alcoholics? What happened to teaching kids that if they continue to behave in a bad way then they will get something taken away?!!!

What happened to basic human nature?

By the way, I've had an abortion this year because I couldn't face having another baby with him at 41 years old! I came off the pill because it was sending me crazy.

Is everyone here so negative? Wow! I came here for support...there's a way of saying things, particularly to someone as vulnerable as me!

Does anyone have any examples of people who have changed?! What happened to rehabilitation? What happened to recovering alcoholics? What happened to teaching kids that if they continue to behave in a bad way then they will get something taken away?!!!

People only change when they want to change.

Recovering alcoholics recover because they want to recover.

Children learn because they see they get better results if they behave better.

The difference here is that your OP's bad behaviour is working for him. He's getting what he wants from this. He has you just where he wants you. He doesn't want to change, and he doesn't need to change.

I'm sorry you find this all so negative. But we're not being negative because we want to be mean to you; we're being honest with you. It's not what you want to hear, I know. But that doesn't mean we're wrong.

If by support you mean you want people to say abusive men (or women) can change, then you’ve come to the wrong place.

What you want is cloud cuckoo land.
Men like your husband dont change. If he was going to change he would have done it by now. He would have accepted his behaviour is bad and changed without needing anger management.

Do you think all children brought up in an abusive home become abusers? No, the majority don’t because they see what an appalling effect it has on the husband or wife and themselves.
Have you considered that abusive behaviour is part of your husbands genetic make up?

Too many (mostly) women have been there got the t shirt, and a full casual wardrobe, and know men like your husband don’t change, and if you would just step back emotionally you will see that.
Try a whole week barely speaking or interacting with him and see if the withdrawal of emotional contact lets you see how awful the situation really is?

On the rise...this is exactly what he said to me, he fee
Ashamed and wants to change! This is the first time he's ever said that....hence my response.

I'll say again, he's out on his ear if he ever speaks to me like that again and it's the first time I've had the courage to say that to him.

So, I'll ask again....given all that I've been through and the strength I've now got, what I've said to him. Is it possible?

Thanks Olympianthequeen, exactly what I've been doing over the last week. I've been sleeping in the spare room, told him eye to eye and calmly that this stops, now! I've told him also that it's the last time he ever speaks to me like that. I've been pleasant but distant, honest yet firm. I'm not being spiteful or nasty and I'm not trying to manipulate him. I've simply said enough is enough...

Due to depression, being at home with two young kids and no income, I've never had the strength to say this before (more fool me I know!) but now I have a job, feel more in control I've had the strength to tell him enough is enough...

I've also told him that there are no guarantees about our relationship and I cannot foresee how I'll feel if and when he stops being abusive. I've made in very very clear. I made it clear that he needs to do this for him, primarily.

I'll ask again, in the hope that someone can give me an honest view of what it takes to change....has anyone has experience of this?

Lattewoth3shots...wow what a horrible
Thing to say! I'm way to intelligent for that. As I said, I got pregnant and had an abortion...horrible, just horrible!

Instead of focusing on the abuser, shift it to what this is doing to your kids, it will effect them for the rest of their lives, the abusers thoughts, plans, chats are irrelevent, the children are being made to live in a damaging, toxic home, there’s no positive way to look at it. Obviously I’m not saying that you don’t think of your kids, but they have no choice to escape the abusive home, yet.

Thanks Rachel, it's exactly what I've been doing! It's all I think about and all I've been focused on...it's the reason why I've asked for help here.

My only experience and from what I’ve heard from others is they don’t change. They don’t act the way they do because of the way they’ve been brought up, but by the way they think.

They think they have the right to do this. They think they are superior to you and that is why they can treat you so disrespectfully. They convince themselves that the problem is with you not them.

What made me look clearly at the situation I had been in for years, and accepted as ‘normal’ was asking myself what relationship, in which at least one person was an adult, should ever involve one person screaming abuse, defining them negatively, intimidating and name calling? Parent-child? Employer-employee? Friends? Boyfriend-girlfriend? Husband-wife?

The answer is none of the above.

When I realised how he had made abnormal, my normal, I divorced him.

Thanks Olympia. My husband had a tough childhood and I think is still scarred by that. He was surrounded by screaming and shouting at a young age by his mother and father. It's learnt behaviour.

I've read in several psychology articles that an abuser has to admit there's a problem, be accountable for his actions and want to change. My husband, for the first time this weekend, did those three things.

I have compassion for him, I don't wish him any harm and nothing would make me happier than to see him happier. Even if we are no longer together, I will try and be kind and support him.

I'd hoped for a little more compassion here..is everything always so black and white?!

fedupmummy, can I point out that latte didn't know about your abortion when she made the comparison to women who 'have a baby to save the marriage' - you posted that in the next post. Her comment was based on general behaviour patterns.
Also, prizeoik was using the term 'ego' in its deepest psychoanalytical sense upthread, not the way it's come to be used colloquially, and she may I know you're going through a difficult time, but lashing out at people here

Sorry - thumb hit post! Lashing out out people here isn't helpful - it's not AIBU, people are trying to help,not hurt you.

I have found some of the posts aggressive and I guess all I'm looking for is compassion. I found both of their posts unnecessary....

I've been in a bad way and I guess I was looking for kinder words

And to write something about having a baby to save a marriage and generalising isn't helpful at all! In fact it's just rude!

I'm sorry if I have got the wrong end of the stick about these boards, I just wanted to speak to people who were in similar positions. I genuinely just wanted people to talk to about what's going on, not judgement and generalisations and being being subject to posts that are downright rude. You may be right about everything and I'm sorry to have come here and asked for support xxx

Fedup, in my experience, abusers don't change. They might change in the short term--but that usually happens when their victim has seen them for who they are, and is threatening to leave if things don't change. The abuser makes all sorts of promises to change, to be better, and will for a short time be kinder. But as soon as the threat has passed they'll be back to their old tricks, only now they'll be able to taunt their victim for not leaving, which adds to the abuse.

I'm sorry you don't feel we've been as kind as we could have been. I know I am just trying to be honest with you, as it's going to be more helpful in the long run.

I do hope you're ok, Fedup, and that you find the strength to leave.

Thanks on therise...I'm sure you all have a valid point, having been there yourselves. And I am in no way dismissing what you all say I just wish some kinder words could have been spoken. I'm very vulnerable at the moment.....

I have no idea what the future holds, only that the next time he speaks to me like that, he's out.

He was doing this, am
I allowed the go out later, is it ok if? last night. I told him that him feeling that I now have the power isn't helpful either!!! He doesn't need to ask me if he can go out, he needs to make the right decision! I'm guessing this is part of it all too....

I have a father who is a bit like this and my mother deflected his anger towards me to cope. I was lucky that my maternal granny lived with us and she bolstered my confidence but I do have anxiety issues related to my upbringing. Parents are still toxic, even more so in retirement and I'm no contact now. If at all possible remove your kids from this environment. It has lifelong consequences. Even if your husband wants to change and could change, that would take time and a lot of therapy. You need to be free now.

OP

Hi OP.

As I said in my last post I've been in this situation with my ex partner except without children so I will make absolutely no comment on that aspect of your situation.

In my experience (and I say this to be honest and not cruel at all) he never changed. I've had apologies, I've had begging on his hands and knees, crying for me to stay and telling me he'll change or see someone for help but each and every time it was a lie.

Within a small amount of time he was back to being his abusive self and would often tell me that his apology was 'bullshit' because 'clearly he cares about this relationship more as he was willing to take the blame for a situation I'd caused so I wouldn't leave'. I'm not even joking, I got that every time.

They do not have the same logic as you or I. Trying to make them see things from your point of view will eventually fail because they cannot and will not accept blame or guilt. It is easier for them to push this on the other person and so that's what they do.

My expartner also had a rough up brining. His father was in prison for beating his mother when he was young. It must have been awful for him to witness that. I truly felt for him then and I feel for him now about it. But in honesty I grew tired of him using it as an excuse for his behaviour. He thought because he didn't physically harm me that he was better than his dad.

It's my view that these people cannot just simply admit their sins and then bingo all is solved, my partner need professional help which he refused to get and it was left to me to try and deal with his problems. I'm not a doctor I had no idea what to do to help him and that's honestly what I wanted to do at first!

But now I see that if someone honestly cared for you in that situation they would leave of their own accord and seek the help they need and come back to you a changed person and beg you for forgiveness.

My ex said he would do all these things when I eventually left him. And guess what... He didn't do a single one. His next girlfriend left him for the exact same reason I did.

These people are manipulative and they know exactly how to get you back where they want you when they have pushed things too far.

I really feel for your situation. It is confidence destroying and heartbreaking shit. I've been there. I've felt trapped and alone by it. Once I left and was on the outside of it I laughed at the fact I thought he was going to change. He didn't. Because only HE can decide to do that. I thought me leaving might give him the kick up the arse but it didn't because I don't have that power only he does. And surprise surprise he tells everyone the break up was 'out of blue and he doesn't know why I left'. He knows exactly why and he couldn't bare any one else to know because that would damage the perception he has of himself.

You asked for other people's experiences and this is my honest one. I've had moments like you where I've thought 'hes going to change, he's told me he will, he's admitted what he doing'. It never lasted.

I wish you the best in your situation whatever you decide xx

Hi OP

I have just read your whole thread and want to say that you have come a long way in 11 days. Your job has empowered you to see yourself in a new way and that's great.

People here are wise and are mostly sharing their experiences wisely. I agree that some have been a bit harsh - probably based on their own experiences It is frustrating for others to wait for someone to gain strength and be ready to move forward. Time moves strangely on MN - a day on here can seem like a lifetime to those reading and watching a situation develop. Especially if they have already walked that path themselves. However, you have a variety of responses to consider. You don't have to agree with them all. Just keep an open mind, and keep focused on you and your lovely daughters, and what will make you all happy.

Keep on posting, and keep on growing stronger. Your daughters will now be seeing a mum who has started to take control of her life and of her home. They will need to trust you so that they don't have to be afraid of him shouting/abusing anyone, nor that they don't have to put up with him sulking/avoiding you all too. They need to trust you when you say that you will tell him to leave and build them a home where they can relax and be happy, rather than put up with behaviour which drains the joy out of life for them and you.

Mangor1 thank you, that's really helpful. I really do appreciate your thoughts. I am realistic that things probably won't change and that he will eventually start back with his old ways.

Interestingly, last night, as I think I mentioned in my last post, he started talking about me as the person in control...asking MY permission. As I said, I told him that I wasn't going to control him, rather that I wanted HIM to make the right decisions for him and the rest of our family.

What was the catalyst for you? What was the thing that finally made you give up? Was it a situation? Something he said?

Thanks for your help xxx

Thanks Freshstartoday. I am certainly keeping an open mind and am grateful for people's insights and experience.

I guess I'm in a place of compassion for everyone...I wouldn't speak to people like that, especially when they have cried out for help. Anyway moving on...

Thanks for your words, and I do feel so much stronger than I did. I've told my DH that I know that I will be fine, I know what I want from life, how I want to live it and how I want to be treated. He's under no illusions about how serious I am (something I've never managed before).

I guess my observation is 'Please be kind people, you never know how harsh words can sound and how it makes people feel!'

Much love to everyone xxxx