Trying to befriend a man I fancy

[LeChatDeNuit]

I’ve known a man I like on and off for the past decade, near enough. Over the years we’ve had sporadic contact in a professional context but never met socially... until recently, when a friend moved nextdoor to him.

A couple of weeks ago he invited me to something and afterwards we went for drinks with his friends. We had a really great evening. It struck me immediately that he seemed quite shy, which I hadn’t previously realised because, as I said, I’d always known him in a professional context. But he did loosen up after a drink.

We chatted together the whole evening and even shared a drink when the bar had stopped taking orders.

We hugged goodbye and about 10 minutes later he sent me a lovely message saying how good it was to see me again, kisses etc. I replied of course and told him likewise, and to let me know if he fancies meeting for a drink/coffee sometime.

Since then I sent him a stupid message asking if he had beeped and waved at me from a car near his house (this actually happened). His response was ‘Ha, no, it wasn’t me.’ And that was that.

So what now? I really like him and would like to get to know him more and meet regularly as friends. Not ready for a relationship but always feel it’s better for me to befriend somebody before pursuing anything romantic.

My friends say I’m massively overthinking and should just be direct and ask him if he fancies a coffee. But in my head I’m thinking that if he were interested he would have said something more to my message about the car and in fact wishes I would piss off and leave him alone.

Any words of wisdom?

I think you've got nothing to lose inviting him to something. He gave good signals when you last met up.
Ask him if he'd like to go for a drink or persuade your friend to have a party and invite him?!

There's no harm in asking. It'll be fairly obvious if he doesn't want to meet so draw a line there, don't start stalking him or something.
Chances are, he's a bit backward in coming forward and will jump at the chance of seeing you again..

A bit embarrassing about you thinking he'd beeped his horn at you but I'm sure you can laugh that off.

Good luck.

I agree with your friends, ask him out for coffee. If he's shy it will help move things along and confidence is attractive! Plus it's only coffee so doesn't seem too full on, like dinner or something.

It was one of my friends who told me to message him about the car beeping thing! Her rationale was that it would start a conversation. Wish I hadn’t done it now

Lol at the car thing! You could go to cinema then for a coffee and chat about the film etc

No idea who the fuck beeped at me. They were in a very nice BMW and gave me a very certain wave. I was quite disappointed it wasn’t him.

How long to leave it before I message him? I’m so nervous. The car message was 5 days ago maybe. What shall I say?

I think if he's shy and you're nervous it might be easier to meet for a drink to loosen things up a bit and get the conversation flowing? Not that alcohol is the answer to everything but a coffee might be a bit awkward?

Or get a takeaway coffee and go for a stroll? Shy people tend to open up more when doing something rather than sitting across a table looking into each other's eyes.
A group thing with shared friends might be the answer. It sounds as though you have a few friends in common?

Message him today, go on!

Hmm you gave him a way in with the ‘let me know if you fancy a coffee etc’, and also by asking about the beeping. He could have picked up on both those.

Is he definitely single? Either he’s not taking the hint or he got the hint and isn’t feeling it.No idea which.

In the circumstances I would want to move it forward but I’d be a bit cautious rather than going in guns blazing.

Can your friend ask you both over for supper?

I don’t think he’s got a girlfriend. His friends jokingly asked me if I was his girlfriend when he wasn’t there. Then they later said ‘Has he got a girlfriend yet?!’

Maybe he's worried about making things awkward at work if he asked and you 'rejected' him? I'd ask him out for a drink or coffee and walk as pp said. If he's not into you he'd be flattered and you can move on and if he was interested and shy it could turn out really well. Just go for it.

You say that you're not ready for a relationship and want to be friends so maybe he's picked up that vibe from you and thinks you're not interested? You've Friend Zoned him as my teenagers say.

I think it's worth one more shot though.

What did you say when his friends asked you if you were his girlfriend? If you said "Oh God no, we're just friends!" they might have relayed that back to him..

Text him now OP the worst he can do is tell you he's not interested and then at least you will know.

You have already suggested meeting up for a drink, you have sent him a text which gave him the opportunity to at least start a text conversation and he has not taken you up on either, and it’s been 5 days since your last text and he has made no attempt to contact you. I would not contact him again, he knows you are keen and he has not responded so I would leave it myself.

I'd LEAVE it.

He knows how to get hold of you.

I used to do all the work in this same manner. It gets you nowhere. Shagged maybe.

I don't know, the fact that his friends were joking that he still hasn't got a girlfriend might mean he's
a) very shy and awkward around women and struggles to ask them out
b) not interested in relationships
c) possibly gay?

It's a bit odd that he spent the evening talking to you, stayed late chatting and followed up with a text that said it was so great to see you if he's not interested Maybe he was just emboldened by alcohol.

Mixed opinions!

I can’t really remember what I said when his friends asked if I was his girlfriend. I was surprised so probably said something like ‘fffwhaaaat? No..!’

Really torn. It’s possible he thought my ‘let me know if you fancy a drink/coffee sometime’ was just a nicety, and also possible he’s a bit shy about suggesting something (as am I). Or he possibly isn’t interested in spending time with me at all.

I’m inclined to just leave it and forget about him, but then that’s how I deal with things because I get so nervous about rejection. I already feel a bit of a fool.

Aww bless you op it’s a hard one if he is shy maybe you do need to be direct but then the text the other day gave him the option of carrying on the conversation

No reason to feel a fool.

Personally I’m of the type that if I really like someone I’d want to know for sure if he was interested either way. So I would do something to get a definitive answer.

I’d get my mate to invite him for a drink at hers or if that’s out leave it a while and them ask him out for a drink. Don’t leave it too long tho in case he meets someone.

Bear in mind many people on here self describe as introverts or have social anxiety and their default mode is to walk away from social situations in whatever form...

Ah it's difficult eh? I'm definitely not a dating expert. My approach used to be Get a bit drunk and if the flirting goes down well lunge in for a snog

In the words of Derek Trotter- Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

If you only see each other very sporadically at work things, it won't be that embarrassing if he says no to a drink

Del Boy

It’s possible he has social anxiety... he did seem quite anxious and I’m usually a good judge of character, if not chemistry.

One friend has suggested we go for drinks and I invite him along. She says she’ll wear her biggest mumsy jumper and be a complete bore. When I put this to another friend (his neighbour, so they’ve actually met) he said it would possibly make him feel awkward about ‘tagging along’. He’s in the camp of suggesting a drink directly as thinks the car message thing is neither here nor there.

Bloody hell, I know I need to get a grip. I’m a grown woman and he’s only a person!

Exactly. I don’t feel you have that much to lose by asking him for a drink. It’s not like he works in your office. Bit disappointing if he says no, but at least you know where you stand.

That was to IlostIt ^^

OP - it depends how much he wants to see you. If he does he will tag along whatever.

I wasn’t suggesting he has social anxiety btw- my comment was wrt the poster advising you to ‘leave it’. Not saying she does either, but it’s something to bear in mind on here.

Ha your friends are trying to help I suppose. They sound really sweet and a teeny bit over involved!
Yes Del Boy that smooth talking lurve expert

I'm in a very similar situation OP. A guy in work I fancy (same organisation, different buildings), we chatted in the pub at Christmas and had a drunken snog, chatted again on a night out about a month ago got in really well both said we liked each other & swapped numbers... But apart from polite greetings if we see each other during the work week... No contact. I have text him on 2 occasions hoping to start a conversation but although he replied nothing developed.

He is very recently seperated so I'm not pushing anything because he may not want anything more to happen and I don't want to make a tit of myself, but I just wish he'd say something... anything the last time we were out.