Trying to befriend a man I fancy

[LeChatDeNuit]

I’ve known a man I like on and off for the past decade, near enough. Over the years we’ve had sporadic contact in a professional context but never met socially... until recently, when a friend moved nextdoor to him.

A couple of weeks ago he invited me to something and afterwards we went for drinks with his friends. We had a really great evening. It struck me immediately that he seemed quite shy, which I hadn’t previously realised because, as I said, I’d always known him in a professional context. But he did loosen up after a drink.

We chatted together the whole evening and even shared a drink when the bar had stopped taking orders.

We hugged goodbye and about 10 minutes later he sent me a lovely message saying how good it was to see me again, kisses etc. I replied of course and told him likewise, and to let me know if he fancies meeting for a drink/coffee sometime.

Since then I sent him a stupid message asking if he had beeped and waved at me from a car near his house (this actually happened). His response was ‘Ha, no, it wasn’t me.’ And that was that.

So what now? I really like him and would like to get to know him more and meet regularly as friends. Not ready for a relationship but always feel it’s better for me to befriend somebody before pursuing anything romantic.

My friends say I’m massively overthinking and should just be direct and ask him if he fancies a coffee. But in my head I’m thinking that if he were interested he would have said something more to my message about the car and in fact wishes I would piss off and leave him alone.

Any words of wisdom?

Op I think you're just giving off massive friend vibes. Don't befriend him in the hope of something in future. Show romantic interest and put that vibe out instead.

If he was interested you’d know by now.

Gah people keep popping up to piss on your suggestions.

Just send the message. If he wants to turn up and support you as a friend then that's alright, it's not the end of the world eh? If he doesn't want to come then C'est la Vie Marlene.

Hopefully you'll blow his socks off with your singing/trumpet playing/whatever it is you do! Good luck.

I'm with LostIt I think it sounds like a great idea! Don't beat yourself up over it or get too panicky before you text him either Bitzy's suggestion of asking about how he's been is good too.

I’m going to aim to send it about 8pm. Updates to follow

Keep positive it sounds like a good plan

Good luck!

Just checking it's been sent OP

Good luck op!! You’ll never know if you don’t try! X

I know how you feel....I put off asking in a round about way if someone I liked and had signals from wanted to be more. I finally did it - but it was a no. Yet he still texts like things are normal after that 🤷🏻‍♀️
Hope it goes ok OP

I messaged him on WhatsApp

Nothing back yet but the day is still young. Fortunately I had the foresight to message him after the first glass of wine rather than the fourth

Good on you.
Keep us updated!

Hurray!!!

Nothing yet, but he usually takes a couple of days to reply to things...

Update:

It was a very pleasant response but neither a yes nor a no, so I’m going to leave it. Still, I tried! And it’s not like I asked him out on a date so dignity still intact

yy leave it

good call

i've been there op :) - move on

Well, that's a bit disappointing for you, but he didn't turn you down flat, and as you say, dignity still intact. Bloody well done anyway on asking him in the first place - it can make you feel a bit wobbly stepping out of your comfort zone, but you seem to be quite level-headed about it. He may still come back with a firmer response, but you've handled it well.

(I secretly want to know exactly what he said in reply, btw)

Neither a Yes nor a No? Oh dear he is wishy washy! It might be that if you started dating, you'd continually have to be the one being proactive and organising things and him never saying what he actually feels? He's so laid back he's horizontal. His friends did give you a bit of a warning when they teased him about when he'd ever get a girlfriend.

I agree you've handled it well and styled it out. Go you.

My reply was something similar OP. It didn't say yes or no. It was a 'I'm in a good place right now with good people' kinda response. But if it's not yes it IS a no. It's not direct because he still wants you around and doesn't want things to change...but you need to move on. He can't have it both ways and for your own sanity you need to have less contact and focus elsewhere. You don't want to be a perhaps or maybe. I did a few days or no contact and he's back being exactly as he was. It's so easy to just slip back. But it's not great for your mind and heart x

Ffs op. Text him and ask him for a drink.

Or text him your tits. You’re way overthinking

I agree with strawberry it's a gentle let-down, can we be friends type message if he doesn't say more.

Remember when you have dated before - if someone is keen they will take every opportunity to show you that they are keen. He simply isn't bothered.

Ffs vlad I did, read the fucking thread, as they say.

I’ve already put it out of my mind. A shame but not the end of the world.

text him your tits Oh Lordy is this what young single people do now?