Trying to befriend a man I fancy

[LeChatDeNuit]

I’ve known a man I like on and off for the past decade, near enough. Over the years we’ve had sporadic contact in a professional context but never met socially... until recently, when a friend moved nextdoor to him.

A couple of weeks ago he invited me to something and afterwards we went for drinks with his friends. We had a really great evening. It struck me immediately that he seemed quite shy, which I hadn’t previously realised because, as I said, I’d always known him in a professional context. But he did loosen up after a drink.

We chatted together the whole evening and even shared a drink when the bar had stopped taking orders.

We hugged goodbye and about 10 minutes later he sent me a lovely message saying how good it was to see me again, kisses etc. I replied of course and told him likewise, and to let me know if he fancies meeting for a drink/coffee sometime.

Since then I sent him a stupid message asking if he had beeped and waved at me from a car near his house (this actually happened). His response was ‘Ha, no, it wasn’t me.’ And that was that.

So what now? I really like him and would like to get to know him more and meet regularly as friends. Not ready for a relationship but always feel it’s better for me to befriend somebody before pursuing anything romantic.

My friends say I’m massively overthinking and should just be direct and ask him if he fancies a coffee. But in my head I’m thinking that if he were interested he would have said something more to my message about the car and in fact wishes I would piss off and leave him alone.

Any words of wisdom?

hi OP - i think you are thinking way too much into this. Just ask him out for a drink - dont mess around with cunning plans etc etc. He might be shy and hate pub quizzes so your whole 'if he says no he can join us next time plan' goes out the window..... He might think a movie date is too full on, a relaxed drink in a pub or a coffee somewhere might be less intimidating. If he says no - then you have your answer. Hopefully he says yes. Good luck!

I just think the ‘let me know’ text was excellent. It was direct and appropriate to the circumstances at the time...it said it all, without having to go out on a limb or take a risk.

If you have to coax a guy more than that, he is not the one. To mither and agonise over further contact and how to establish it is a waste of time and emotional energy. You want someone who is absolutely enchanted by you and delighted to be given the green light...anything less isn’t worth pursuing.

Lots of differing opinions.

I’m feeling quite low at the moment so perhaps I should leave it. If he gets in touch with me, great - but I think the potential for rejection of an invitation may make me feel worse.

I hope he will be in touch at some point because I really enjoy his company but I won’t hold out too much hope. It took a lot for me to go to the thing he invited me to because I was overthinking everything and haven’t seen him in such a long time. At least I overcame that anxiety if nothing else.

What happened with the poster on the other thread?

For what it’s worth, I would be horrified if a man asked me to the cinema

@LeChatDeNuit I can't remember exactly what happened but it didn't end well. There was no date. I can't remember if he replied to her message or not but if he did, he didn't accept the date. From what I remember, he was foreign and she had trouble understanding wether his texts were flirty/showing interest in her or if that was just how he spoke in general

@bitzy12 yes your message was very good and can be seen as just friendly if that’s what he wants.

OP why don’t you go with a just friendly text like @bitzy12 suggested since you don’t know if you want a relationship anyway? The other thread was a very friendly neighbour who sent a nice message to a lady, she responded later with a direct “I fancy you message” and it fell flat, I’ll see if I can link it.

Agree with Sassymuffin. Would strongly advice against doing anything more!

I spent my single days asking out men thinking its the 21st century women should take the initiative, so I would ask guys out. Big mistake! I ended up dating guys who were just not that into me and wasting a helluva lot of time. If a guy likes you, he will make the effort. As women often come up with excuses for the man who doesnt take the initiative (hes shy, had a bad break up, is anxious, can't read the signs etc) rather than face the fact that the guy just may not be that interested for whatever reason and moving on to someone who is.

When I met my DH he left me in no doubt he liked me, (initiating texts, always replying quickly, suggesting meet ups etc) I literally did not have to do any chasing! It was a bleeding revelation! As a friend said to me once "you want a relationship but how on earth is he going to spend hours on dates with you, move in with you, buy a house with you, build a life with you when right now spending 10 seconds replying to a text is too much?"

I think you have already asked him put by suggesting a drink. I'd leave it at that. His loss if he doesn't take you up on that offer. But yoj have already done enough.

Oh FGS just text him.
What’s the worst that could happen? He says No? If he does say No he’ll do it politely and will never mention it again.
I asked out my husband. He was very keen but useless at showing it. I had to really spell it out to him.
I was fed up missing out on opportunities because I was waiting for men that I liked to ask me out whilst all the superconfident knob ends were busy asking me out.
I decided to take my destiny into my own hands.
If there’s one thing I would go back and tell my younger self it’s that I should ask the men that I like out rather than wasting time/energy/hope etc!

I have always just asked guys directly if they would fancy going for a drink etc. Way I see it, if they say "no" then I know where I stand and if they say "yes" then Whoop! No reason to get embarrassed by a rejection, just see it as a nice compliment to the guy as I'm sure (even if he says no) he will feel good about being asked out.

You’ve spent nearly 10 days overthinking this, to the point that you’re even making excuses for him (shy, social anxiety, blah blah) as to why he didn’t respond to your first text asking him out, and your follow up text about being beeped at.

He didn’t take you up on your “give me a shout if you fancy a coffee some time” first message and he point blank cut off your second message attempt at initiating a conversation.

Personally I think he can’t be much clearer that he’s not interested without being blunt. Sorry.

Ouch. But fair enough, Ewe.

OP why would you be horrified if a man asked you to the cinema? That’s a perfectly normal thing isn’t it?

Because I’d feel really awkward sitting so close to somebody I didn’t know especially well in silence. Nothing wrong with cinemas, I would just feel uncomfortable. Especially if there was a sex scene

Oops, that was meant to be a not a

I don’t think he particularly likes (in a romantic way) you. Sorry.

You’ve given him ample opportunities. It should be quite clear to him that you like him. Social anxiety or not. It’s reasonable to expect a modicum of effort.

One way or another you’re better off getting closure since this will probably contribute to your (anticipation) anxiety.

Thing is, if someone said to me 'let me know if you fancy meeting up sometime' it's a bit too openended for me to then make the next move, not least because I'm shy, anxious, and worried about making a twat out of myself.Yes, the person saying it may genuinely want to see me, but equally, they could just be being polite. There's not really a lot to respond to there, whereas 'do you fancy a drink in the next week?' gives a bit more focus to it.

I do agree with Voci that getting a yes or no will probably help you if you're feeling low, because you will at least know if there's a chance of anything more happening or not, instead of tying yourself up in knots over this.

Just text & ask if he'd like to meet up for a drink in the next week. What's the worst that can happen? It's not like you'd be sending him a picture of you naked and spreadeagled saying 'HOW ABOUT IT BIG BOY???'

That would be me as well sadeyed. I’d just assume somebody was being polite. My neighbours always say to me ‘oh, come over any time, I’m always here if you fancy a chat’ etc but I would never actually take them up on it! I didn’t really think it through before I sent it and in hindsight I should have waited then asked him directly.

On balance I think I will leave it. I’m convinced he’s ‘just not that into’ me now. Sorry, I know that’s boring and I won’t be able to update you with his response but I think some fair points have been made and I will feel like an idiot if he gives me the brush off. You plonker, Rodney.

Ah, that's a shame, but completely understandable. On the balance of what you've posted, I think there is a chance he's interested (he invited you out before, I think?) but I do see where you're coming from.

At least though you do have each other's numbers, and if he's living next door to your friend, there's a reasonable chance you might bump into him soon and have another opportunity to see if things seem more encouraging.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no I get you are anxious I get you don't want to rejection from what you've said even if you did brush you off it sounds like a nice guy and he's not going to be really horrible about it if you always overthink things you're constantly be thinking about whether you should've asked him or not just bite the bullet you sound lovely and you just wanna meet and enjoy his company

100% you should just text him and ask him if he fancies doing something non-date like

Why not text him something about the weather for next week is supposed to be really hot just say hey have you seen the weather forecast for next week looks like it's gonna be scorching let me know if you fancy grabbing an ice cream

Or maybe reference something to work hey how's it going I don't know about you but I feel like I've been working indoors way too much let me know if you fancy getting outside for some fresh air and go for a walk somewhere

I still think you should text him!

At least you'll know one way or the other and not be left wondering...

I say this as I've had too many men over the years tell me that they really liked me but were too scared to ask me out (some of them I'm glad didn't!) and some of them I was really attracted to. I've taken the bull by the horns recently and just texted them, it's empowering! Just do it!!!

I’ve talked it through with some friends and I think they’ve come up with something perfect. I’m going to invite him to a music thing (music is a mutual interest) where I’ll perform. He likes my music so that’s a good start, and I’ll say it would be really good if he could come and offer moral support because I haven’t played live in a year or so, which is true! The thing he invited me to was a musical thing so it will just look like a reciprocation of that rather than a date.

For clarification, years ago he invited me to a couple of things but they both involved other people. I made excuses because I was shy back then and wasn’t really sure why he was inviting me as we didn’t really know each other in a social capacity. My friend said I was an idiot becacuse she knew I liked him. The last time we met (fast forwarding to the last few weeks) was something he invited me to. So in fairness, he’s invited me to several things over the years and all I’ve given him is a ‘let me know if you fancy drink/coffee sometime’

I’ll send it tonight after a small amount of Dutch courage and report back

And now I have the added pressure of rehearsing like mad

Oh good for you Op - I'm glad you are doing what you think is best rather than listening to advice of a load of strangers which most likely never works and makes you feel uncomfortable. Only you knows the situation. You can write on here as much as you like but none of us will ever be able to understand it properly as it is.

From what I've read, he's invited to you to things in the past and you've been too shy to accept. You've also said you think he could be socially awkward. You've known each other years but I'm guessing you've both not been in serious relationships in this time?

There's nothing to suggest leaving it op, just you do what feels most comfortable to you.

From what I can see, you both maybe just need a little push in the right direction, dating most definitely does not come easy to everyone and both men and woman can have trouble reading signs of wether someone is interested in them or not.

Good for you op, I hope this works out for you. If for whatever reason it doesn't, then at least you know and keep your head up high :-) if he isn't the one for you then at least you've had the courage to ask him and hopefully this will build your confidence when it comes to dating. I have high hopes for you here though op, let us know how it goes x

Also make sure you ask him how he's been etc in the text. That will make him feel more comfortable in relying as he will have something else to reply with other than accepting your date :-) x

send the message now before you talk yourself out of it again

What a lovely post bitzy. Thanks for your encouragement.

Mickey, I'm not going to send it until this evening but I'll check back in once I've sent it and received a reply.