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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trying to befriend a man I fancy

123 replies

LeChatDeNuit · 05/04/2018 17:00

I’ve known a man I like on and off for the past decade, near enough. Over the years we’ve had sporadic contact in a professional context but never met socially... until recently, when a friend moved nextdoor to him.

A couple of weeks ago he invited me to something and afterwards we went for drinks with his friends. We had a really great evening. It struck me immediately that he seemed quite shy, which I hadn’t previously realised because, as I said, I’d always known him in a professional context. But he did loosen up after a drink.

We chatted together the whole evening and even shared a drink when the bar had stopped taking orders.

We hugged goodbye and about 10 minutes later he sent me a lovely message saying how good it was to see me again, kisses etc. I replied of course and told him likewise, and to let me know if he fancies meeting for a drink/coffee sometime.

Since then I sent him a stupid message asking if he had beeped and waved at me from a car near his house (this actually happened). His response was ‘Ha, no, it wasn’t me.’ And that was that.

So what now? I really like him and would like to get to know him more and meet regularly as friends. Not ready for a relationship but always feel it’s better for me to befriend somebody before pursuing anything romantic.

My friends say I’m massively overthinking and should just be direct and ask him if he fancies a coffee. But in my head I’m thinking that if he were interested he would have said something more to my message about the car and in fact wishes I would piss off and leave him alone.

Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 12/04/2018 18:47

I understand why the pub quiz thingy seems like a good idea, but I wouldn't suggest it because a) he might hate pub quizzes b) it's a bit much for him to have to face a group of your friends that he doesn't know c) you wouldn't get that much time to chat and d) he might have other plans for that night so turns you down.

Just text him and say 'Do you fancy a drink sometime in the next week? I can't do X night because I'm going to the pub quiz - although you'd be welcome to come along to that if you like?'

GO FOR IT!

Pinkvoid · 12/04/2018 18:59

If he’s shy, the pub quiz thing will likely be his idea of absolute hell. I like a pub quiz but I’m also awkward AF (without drink) around strangers so to begin with I imagine he’d feel extremely awkward.

You need to ask him on a DATE. A one to one meeting, not a lairy get together surrounded by others. I know it’s scary but simply text to say “fancy a drink sometime?” Or whatever. The worst that can happen is he ignores it or says no and trust me, it will feel pretty naff but it will not be the worst thing that ever happens to you and you will forget about it soon enough. You never know unless you try.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 12/04/2018 19:19

I don't think a pub quiz would be Hell for me and I'm quite shy. I'd much rather a pub quiz then sitting across a table sipping coffee staring into each other's eyes. I'd hate that, it's so formal and intense!

At least with a pub quiz you have a neutral topic of conversation (the quiz) to break the ice, plus a few drinks, it's relaxed and you can get to know someone without it being A Date.

Original poster
LeChatDeNuit · 12/04/2018 20:54

Right. So how about a simple, ‘do you fancy the pub quiz I go to on X night, or maybe a drink later in the week?’

I just don’t want it to seem like I’m desperate and chasing him for a date. I really do just want to get to know him better as a friend, then see if there’s potentional for more.

brain explodes Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
LeChatDeNuit · 12/04/2018 20:56

If I give you his number will somebody just put me out of my misery and do it for me? WinkGrin

OP posts:
pigpoglet · 12/04/2018 21:01

Yes just text him , if he doesn't want to do either of them then he is a write off. Nothing ventured .....

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 12/04/2018 21:04

I'd gladly text him 'Hi, my mate fancies you. Will you go out with her?' Wink

I think give him the two options by text. That way if he wants to try the quiz he can, if he decides he'd prefer some one on one (fnaarrrrr) with you, he can choose that. What you've suggested as a text is ideal - not over the top, not too eager, and leaves it open for him to reply with a bit more than just one or two words.

Do it now before you get too nervous!

OohOohMrPeevly · 12/04/2018 21:10

Just send it - as you say everyone loves a pub quiz!

cedoren · 12/04/2018 21:10

I'm really sorry to say this, but my reading is that he's just not that into you, in the words of the book! You've given him ample chance to respond favourably to a drink. Personally I'd leave it.

Original poster
LeChatDeNuit · 12/04/2018 21:11

I need to check with my friends first that they’re free for a pub quiz otherwise I may be inviting him for a team of two Grin

I will message him tomorrow evening and report back.

OP posts:
PlaymobilPirate · 12/04/2018 21:15

Book cinema tickets to the cinema nearest him your friend. Then text and say 'friend and I were meant to be seeing xxx film on Saturday but now she can't make it. It's right by you so thought I'd see if you were free to come with me? Xx

Original poster
LeChatDeNuit · 12/04/2018 21:15

Argh, well now I don’t know what to do Confused it’s true, I have given him ample opportunity. But I’m not sure how I would respond to what I have previously messaged him, and his text to me after we met up DID seem like he was into me. It’s a bloody mine field.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 12/04/2018 21:22

I would be less anxious about about quiz than coffee. Suggest he might like to bring a friend if he might not want to be on his own (sort of, if the rest are your friends). I am socially awkward but actually quite enjoy pub quizzes because there is no awkward small talk, you have something to talk about and conversation flows naturally.

RatherBeRiding · 13/04/2018 09:35

Yes just text him , if he doesn't want to do either of them then he is a write off. Nothing ventured .....

Agree. Then at least you will know one way or the other and can stop torturing yourself. Cunning plans like arranging pub quizzes JUST to spend time with the bloke seem unnecessarily contrived. He either wants a date with you or he doesn't and seems like the only way to find out for certain is to ask.

TatianaLarina · 13/04/2018 09:43

The problem with the quiz idea is that if he turns it down you don’t know if it’s you or the quiz.

Pinkvoid · 13/04/2018 09:49

Agreed with tatiana. Some people don’t like pub quizzes, some people don’t even like pubs... You need to keep it more open than a specific invitation like that so you know it’s not just the event he is avoiding.

Pinkvoid · 13/04/2018 09:50

Having said that, he would probably say “not really into pub quizzes but would x be ok instead?”. Anyway, just try Grin. It really isn’t the end of the world either way.

dirtybadger · 13/04/2018 09:53

I read the OP as being interested in building more of a friendship than a relationship, hence not wanting to ask him on a "date"? Quite mixed messages to invite him on a date and then say you arent looking for a relationship.

villageshop · 13/04/2018 09:57

I like the spare cinema ticket idea but reading this thread through I think the best cunning plan would be to arrange to unexpectedly bump into him somewhere, then take it from there. Ooooh, lovely to see you, do want to stop for a coffee / drink ? That sort of thing. Is that possible?

BlokeHereInPeace · 13/04/2018 10:30

Fucking hell, pub quizzes when he might hate them (I do) and tickets to films he might not want to see. Text:

Hello Sporadic. Thanks for inviting me the other night, I had a great time. I enjoyed talking with you - could I buy you a coffee/beer sometime soon? Are you free this Sunday?

That's it. Do it now.

bitzy12 · 13/04/2018 10:50

Why not just text him asking how he is? Don't need to ask him out, just a general 'hi, how are you?' Sort of thing. Wait for his reply and take it from there. If he's the shy type, he might feel more comfortable that way rather than a text out of the blue asking him out. After hopefully a few messages of going back and forth, then ask him.

sassymuffin · 13/04/2018 11:03

We hugged goodbye and about 10 minutes later he sent me a lovely message saying how good it was to see me again, kisses etc. I replied of course and told him likewise, and to let me know if he fancies meeting for a drink/coffee sometime.

I think he might just see you as a friend sorry.

You gave this guy the perfect opportunity to ask you on a date, you literally invited him to ask you out and he hasn't. Even if he was shy you made it clear you would accept an invitation and even suggested a coffee/drink.

After this you initiated contact in a lighthearted text and he replied in a friendly manner but never used the opportunity to ask you out or extend the conversation.

I would not pursue anything other than a friendship at this point. You have showed you are interested and left the ball in his court.

pictish · 13/04/2018 11:14

As much as I like to see someone taking the bull by their horns, I do agree that you made your interest clear with the ‘let me know if you fancy meeting for a drink/coffee sometime’ text. You are plainly saying ‘ask me out, I’ll accept’.

Honestly, I’d want a guy to be falling over himself to take me out. If I have spelled it out for him and he hasn’t responded enthusiastically, then it wouldn’t be good enough for me.
True story.

coffeeX10 · 13/04/2018 12:38

@sassymuffin is spot on, agree 100%

There was a thread recently with a neighbour that seemed flirty and the woman was egged on to text him but it didn’t end as she’d hoped. I don’t mean egged on in a cruel sense, people on here like to see a romantic situation unfold but I do think you’ve given enough chances now so I agree with sassy and @pictish. Sorry op, hope we are wrong.

bitzy12 · 13/04/2018 12:47

@coffeeX10 I remember that thread also. I don't think that op would of ended up messaging the way she did if she didn't get so many 'do it, ask him' replies on here. I felt quite sorry for her. Which is why I suggest just a 'hello how are you' sort of message. If he doesn't reply to that or he doesn't reply with any sort of interest (I.e not asking her how she is, starting a conversation etc) then she can sense he's not really into her and it's saved the embarrassment of her asking and him turning her down/not replying.

Dating is hard these days