Trying to befriend a man I fancy

[LeChatDeNuit]

I’ve known a man I like on and off for the past decade, near enough. Over the years we’ve had sporadic contact in a professional context but never met socially... until recently, when a friend moved nextdoor to him.

A couple of weeks ago he invited me to something and afterwards we went for drinks with his friends. We had a really great evening. It struck me immediately that he seemed quite shy, which I hadn’t previously realised because, as I said, I’d always known him in a professional context. But he did loosen up after a drink.

We chatted together the whole evening and even shared a drink when the bar had stopped taking orders.

We hugged goodbye and about 10 minutes later he sent me a lovely message saying how good it was to see me again, kisses etc. I replied of course and told him likewise, and to let me know if he fancies meeting for a drink/coffee sometime.

Since then I sent him a stupid message asking if he had beeped and waved at me from a car near his house (this actually happened). His response was ‘Ha, no, it wasn’t me.’ And that was that.

So what now? I really like him and would like to get to know him more and meet regularly as friends. Not ready for a relationship but always feel it’s better for me to befriend somebody before pursuing anything romantic.

My friends say I’m massively overthinking and should just be direct and ask him if he fancies a coffee. But in my head I’m thinking that if he were interested he would have said something more to my message about the car and in fact wishes I would piss off and leave him alone.

Any words of wisdom?

Oh dear I am opposite way round. I have met my best friend ever on well known dating site...ok have not met him yet but we are the same 100% but I don't fancy him at all more like a brother tbh!
Well I just asked him to a film next week hope now he doesn't fancy me! But I just messaged him and said we got a go and see this film it's amazing! We are going next weekend!

Actually it's a ghost film so if you text and say your dying to see this film but to scared to go alone.....will he come with you and you don't mind if he laughs everytime you scream...might be a way in;-) then a coffee to chat about film or even better drink to loosen those nerves.

Definitely text him and ask him out - what have you got to lose? Or if you are worried about this then come up with a plan with your friend to see him again in a friendly context

God I'd just ask him if he fancied a drink. At least you'll know!

I'm getting mixed messages from your posts, OP - at first you say you're not ready for a r'ship but want to be friends, but the rest of the thread reads more like 'I fancy him, how can I get him to notice me'?

My friends say I’m massively overthinking and should just be direct and ask him if he fancies a coffee.

They have the right idea. Be upfront and ask him. I would probably be having the same anxiety in your shoes, but you said yourself he seems shy. Maybe he's nervous to make the next move? I would ask him and see how it goes. Worst case scenario your ego gets a little bruised, but at least you got an answer!

Just send him a direct text asking if he fancies doing for a drink. Then you'll know for sure either way.

Going for a drink not doing a drink obviously !!

Not really, walkacross, more like, ‘I fancy him, how can I befriend him so there’s may be a potential relationship in the future?’

Text him! The weekend is coming. :)

...and you only live once.

Just reply, something like 'it was a shame it wasn't him in the car, you were hoping to see him again and maybe you could meet for coffee? '

Gosh you’re all so good, spurring me on. I’m usually very confident around people but if I fancy them in the slightest I become a bag of nerves and have a tendency to give off the opposite impression. My ex was my friend for nearly two years and had no idea I liked him more than that. Our friendship was already well established before I developed feelings for him though so I was a lot more relaxed about it.

I’m too anxious to send anything tonight (having some anxiety issues atm) but I’m going to try to think of something to send in the next few days. We’re both freelancers so weekends aren’t important.

Maybe a ‘Do you fancy a drink one eve this week? Have been working a lot recently and going a bit stir-crazy!’ What do you think?

It’s fine. Don’t think you need the second sentence, the essence is in the first.

I think that sounds great- bright and breezy, you're at a loose end and you definitely haven't been agonising over this and discussing it with your friends!

He may well be feeling equally as unsure and nervous. Most people feel like you do when dating, it's a bloody minefield.

Look after yourself OP and don't worry too much if he isn't keen. At least you'll know you took the bull by the horns so to speak and that takes courage.
Hope your anxiety improves, it's a bugger and makes you question everything. You sound like a nice person.

I promise I’m not socially anxious Tatiana but if a man had not taken me up on my offer of meeting me for a drink and did not engage in text conversations when there was an opportunity I would cut my losses and leave the ball in his court.

Oh just send it. Makes no difference whether it’s now or tomorrow and I’m too impatient to hear how this develops as I love a good love story. It sounds positive from your meeting together. Go for it!

Did you send one op

Update:

I’ve been experiencing some depression and anxiety recently so haven’t contacted him. However, I’m starting to feel a bit stronger so I’ve formed a cunning plan.

I’m meeting some friends on Saturday and often go to pub quizzes with them. I’m going to explain the situation and then set up a pub quiz evening which I will invite him to. Who doesn’t enjoy a pub quiz? It means there’s likely to be no awkward silences, booze will be involved and my friends will give me a shove. Plus, I don’t think it would come across desperate and he won’t feel like a third wheel, which he probably would if I invited him to the pub with a friend for a drink.

What do you think? :grin:

Oops, failure.

Ooh, and I could also say we do it every week so if he can’t make it he could join us another time. If it’s a flat out no thanks then I have my answer and will fuck off and leave him alone.

Who doesn’t enjoy a pub quiz?

Me. And I couldn’t be arsed to go to one just for a bloke.

I’d just text him - it’s a lot less hassle.

Thing is OP, if he has anxiety I'd say meeting a load of people in a pub would be more anxiety inducing than meeting with you for a coffee.

Hi op,glad you are feeling better.
Sounds ok,give it a go!

*either way, go for it. A week has passed already. What have you got to lose.

Have you text him or seen him?

That sounds like a cunning plan. There's no pressure, he could even bring some pals along. Give it one last shot and see what he says.

To be fair, if you like going to pub quizzes regularly and he doesn't like them, he's not the man for you anyway

He who dares wins, Rodney.