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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My Wife Wants Us To Split Up

131 replies

LivingBait · 05/04/2018 11:39

I hope you don't mind a bloke posting in here. I feel really isolated and could do with some advice.

I'll try and set the scene as much as i can without banging on.

I'm 36, she's 38. We met 4 years ago and have been married for 2. We've got a 1 (and a bit) year old daughter who we both adore.

Last summer we moved away from the city to a rural area where she is from originally because she wanted support from her family - who all still live there, apart from her mum who she lost when she was 17.

We've had a few rocky moments over the years but we've always seemed to get back on track. She has always talked about us being together, the future, holidays, possibly another baby etc. Even on valentines day gone we were romantic and discussed such things.

My wife has been on anti-depressants since I've known her and for a fair while before too. I've never judged her for it, its a result of the trauma of losing her mum. She recently started reducing her dose, and about 6 weeks ago told me she'd stopped completely. I had been noticing a marked change in her behaviour and her lack of seemingly genuine happiness. She started looking pale and seemed to be snappy.

One night about 5 weeks ago she was struggling to get our daughter to sleep. (She only sleeps on the boob at present and as such i generally have been sleeping in the spare room). Anyway, it was late, we were both tired and she just completely snapped - to the point i was concerned. I told her i think she's suffering from not taking her pills. Since then she's just been completely off with me. Barely talking to me and just showing no interest in anything in my life - i started a new job a month ago and she is completely uninterested.

Last weekend she said we need to talk. She told me she wants to sell the house and go our separate ways. She's even arranged a meeting with the solicitor to sell the house. She told me she doesn't want me to be in the house. She said its because of what I said about her behaving differently and threatening to intervene (only 3 people know she has been taking meds). She went to her dads house with our daughter for Easter and I spent Easter alone. Eventually I decided to give her what she wants and so I've gone to stay with my mum.

I cant stand the thought of not living with my daughter, but due to work logistics i wont be able to see her in the week as things stand, and i cant have her overnight because i haven't got boobs. I don't really know what to do. I feel powerless. She's in our house with our daughter, surrounded by her family and I've had to go home to my mum. I feel like talking to her dad about it but he doesn't even know she's been on anti-depressants, let alone stopping.

She's on the brink of ruining my life and she doesn't seem to care. We made wedding vows that she is not honouring in the slightest. Its not like I've had an affair or knocked her about or anything. All I did was show concern about her behaviour - even if threatening to intervene was a bit.......threatening....

Where to turn?.....

OP posts:
DancingLedge · 05/04/2018 11:41

What do you mean " threatening to intervene"?
What did you actually say?

LivingBait · 05/04/2018 11:46

It was over a text because she was upstairs and i was downstairs.....she sent me a ranting text about how she cant effing do this anymore and its not effin fair etc.....quite strong stuff...

I said you arent behaving like your normal self and i think its because you've stopped taking your meds. I dont want to intervene but I will if i have to.

literally in those words....

i dont even know what i meant by intervene.....maybe speak to her sister or something i guess....

i was concerned....

OP posts:
NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 05/04/2018 11:49

So you threatened her when she was unwell and now you're confused as to why she wants to leave?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/04/2018 11:52

Sorry to hear you've had a tough time.

If she wants to be supported by and close to her family, why would she keep being on anti-depressants a secret?

I agree that if her personality transplant happened when she stopped taking them, the two are probably linked. But I am not a doctor...

I would get some legal advice about access. Your daughter won't be on the boob forever and if your wife is being unreasonable you need a formal arrangement. Also, with you out of the house, she is now the primary carer and that will probably work in her favour.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/04/2018 11:53

Sorry saw your update:

she sent me a ranting text about how she cant effing do this anymore and its not effin fair

What's not fair? Is she doing all childcare and housework? Does she work?

annandale · 05/04/2018 11:53

I am sorry that you are so unhappy - sounds really tough. I don't doubt that stopping her meds has affected your dw. However, my Dh had mental health problems and to me, responding to the person who you are supposed to love, who has made a major announcement about how they are feeling, with 'have you taken your meds' (or equivalent) is an absolute no-no. It's a complete dismissal of them as a person. It makes me wonder about those past problems and what 'getting back on track' actually looked like.

For now, I would just say the truth - that you are devastated to be living apart from your daughter, that you love your wife (?) and that you are upset and angry and want to talk.

LivingBait · 05/04/2018 11:54

I needed to speak to someone on her change in behaviour.....I still do....

I didnt want my daughter to be shouted at like that.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 05/04/2018 11:56

I can see why you are upset. It seems like she is having a massive overreaction.

Don’t leave the house either. Don’t worry about never having contact with your child either.

A precedent was set recently that BF does not supersede contact with the father.

There must be more time her reasoning though.

What are her real reasons? It cannot he because you threatened to intervene. That is ridiculous and egotistical of her!

stitchglitched · 05/04/2018 11:56

Why didn't you go upstairs to help her or take over and give her a breather, instead of sending her a text?

Backinthetallgrass · 05/04/2018 11:57

I can't believe you text her??! Surely you should have gone upstairs, comforted her and tried to help. I know you don't have boobs but there's other ways to be there. If I was her I would be mostly upset that you actually text me instead if coming up and being there for me.

QuiteLikely5 · 05/04/2018 11:57

Ask her to see the gp

Is she coming off the meds with gp supervision?

QuiteLikely5 · 05/04/2018 11:58

You are getting a hard time here op

stitchglitched · 05/04/2018 12:00

It isn't giving someone a hard time to ask why he didn't attempt to help his wife who was clearly struggling. I've sent my DP 'arghhh' type messages before when struggling with bedtime and he's been up the stairs like a shot.

Jaxtellerswife · 05/04/2018 12:05

A number of possibilities.
Post natal depression
Weaned too quickly from meds
Exhausted
Frustrated
Or she could genuinely want out.
As for texting, my partner and I do that too it is fine. Sounds like she had a massive vent from being tired and you replied a shitty reply and hurt her.
Try talking and telling her you know it was wrong. Good luck

LivingBait · 05/04/2018 12:07

i should clarify at the point I text her I was downstairs. She text me to come and get our daughter so i went upstairs and took our daughter downstairs to play. My wife was very angry and so I was concerned.

I'm not saying i handled the situation in the perfect manner, but I don't think it was grounds for divorce.

The 'can't effing do this anymore' is in reference to the breastfeeding at night. Which I always acknowledge is very hard.

She's just not been herself.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/04/2018 12:09

So you were concerned and threatened to intervene over text rather than actually go and help.

You clearly are working alot so the burden of childcare and housework fall on her and she is at breaking point and you sent a text and are blaming the fact that she is off anti depressants

She needed you and you were not there - the text you sent sounds cold and unfeeling. Showing concern like that is not actually helping. I think she reached a breaking point where she needed you to step up and help her and you didnt. I dont think there is any coming back from that Im afraid

Jaxtellerswife · 05/04/2018 12:12

I've reached that point 3 times over the last month. Things are always fixable if both parties want them to be.
Let her rant, communicate with her. I've had nights of pure fury and resentment that my partner is asleep while I'm up for the millionth time breastfeeding. He will never understand really as he's not had the sleep deprivation and neither havecyou. Just talk

LivingBait · 05/04/2018 12:12

no GP supervision at all and I think she's been on them for nearly 10 years....

She is tired and she gets frustrated but we've always managed in the past and we've been through some hard times with our daughter. She's always been complimentary of how supportive I am.

OP posts:
TheHulksPurplePants · 05/04/2018 12:12

I feel for you OP, it's really tough living with someone who doesn't recognize that they are mentally unwell. I'm afraid to say you did make the cardinal sin of blaming the change in her behavior on her being off the meds, that never ends well.

I recommend that you arrange for counseling. You need an unrelated third party to intervene in this.

Just try to keep in mind right now that this isn't her talking, it's the depression. Flowers

LivingBait · 05/04/2018 12:15

she recently returned to working 3 days a week, but quite often works from home

i put no pressure on her in terms of housework...I do most of the cooking and washing up

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 05/04/2018 12:17

I think you need to sit down and talk to her. Tell her that you have no idea how hard looking after a young child and housework is when you're not around to help. Ask how you can help - get a cleaner, look after your child whilst she has some free time, do mixed feeding - formula at night and breast in the day etc.

TheHulksPurplePants · 05/04/2018 12:18

Have you asked her why she went off the meds?

LivingBait · 05/04/2018 12:20

she's completely against formula and our daughter has always refused milk from the bottle

OP posts:
LivingBait · 05/04/2018 12:24

I don't know why she decided to stop on the meds.....

whats worse is she recently started having her periods again, and by her own admission she's always suffered from really bad periods..

i can remember times stood in the kitchen holding her in my arms while she was just balling during her period...

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 05/04/2018 12:25

From reading the post it looks the op didn’t send the text his dw sent it ! Maybe I am wrong on this apologies to all if I am.

I agree with a pp your dw needs to see her gp who will talk to her re coming off the anti-d’s. Please tell her she is not a failure for being on them - people are on them for various reasons. To be on them is not a sign of weakness I’ve been on them for 18yrs - they are not a miracle cure they make me more stable.

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