My Wife Wants Us To Split Up

[LivingBait]

I hope you don't mind a bloke posting in here. I feel really isolated and could do with some advice.

I'll try and set the scene as much as i can without banging on.

I'm 36, she's 38. We met 4 years ago and have been married for 2. We've got a 1 (and a bit) year old daughter who we both adore.

Last summer we moved away from the city to a rural area where she is from originally because she wanted support from her family - who all still live there, apart from her mum who she lost when she was 17.

We've had a few rocky moments over the years but we've always seemed to get back on track. She has always talked about us being together, the future, holidays, possibly another baby etc. Even on valentines day gone we were romantic and discussed such things.

My wife has been on anti-depressants since I've known her and for a fair while before too. I've never judged her for it, its a result of the trauma of losing her mum. She recently started reducing her dose, and about 6 weeks ago told me she'd stopped completely. I had been noticing a marked change in her behaviour and her lack of seemingly genuine happiness. She started looking pale and seemed to be snappy.

One night about 5 weeks ago she was struggling to get our daughter to sleep. (She only sleeps on the boob at present and as such i generally have been sleeping in the spare room). Anyway, it was late, we were both tired and she just completely snapped - to the point i was concerned. I told her i think she's suffering from not taking her pills. Since then she's just been completely off with me. Barely talking to me and just showing no interest in anything in my life - i started a new job a month ago and she is completely uninterested.

Last weekend she said we need to talk. She told me she wants to sell the house and go our separate ways. She's even arranged a meeting with the solicitor to sell the house. She told me she doesn't want me to be in the house. She said its because of what I said about her behaving differently and threatening to intervene (only 3 people know she has been taking meds). She went to her dads house with our daughter for Easter and I spent Easter alone. Eventually I decided to give her what she wants and so I've gone to stay with my mum.

I cant stand the thought of not living with my daughter, but due to work logistics i wont be able to see her in the week as things stand, and i cant have her overnight because i haven't got boobs. I don't really know what to do. I feel powerless. She's in our house with our daughter, surrounded by her family and I've had to go home to my mum. I feel like talking to her dad about it but he doesn't even know she's been on anti-depressants, let alone stopping.

She's on the brink of ruining my life and she doesn't seem to care. We made wedding vows that she is not honouring in the slightest. Its not like I've had an affair or knocked her about or anything. All I did was show concern about her behaviour - even if threatening to intervene was a bit.......threatening....

Where to turn?.....

I don't think you should beat yourself up over the "intervening" comment, I was just trying to give a different perspective on how it might have felt to her, I didn't mean to make it into a big deal. We have all had terrible moments under stress when we didn't phrase things well, don't worry about that!

I'd focus on trying to get her to visit GP or seek some kind of support, her general wellbeing, rather than on simply taking the meds (if she then goes back to taking meds and it helps her, then yay).

I can see why you feel hurt but would it be possible to try and put that aside as much as possible and see her current behavior as a temporary thing you can weather together? It could be meds, could be postnatal depression, could be some other struggle she's having but it could be something that you will get through. Yes she has hurt you and is currently unpleasant to live with, but if you had 4 good years before this, hopefully this is a temporary downturn? Or has this always been kind of ready to burst out or been not that good but was tolerable until the stress of a baby was added?

I just wanted to add that I realize what I'm suggesting is asking a lot of you. The fact that she has spoken to a solicitor about selling the house and you've moved out is very serious and I know it can't be easy.

Maybe just emphasize to her that you intend to remain in your child's life (you have a right to this!) and want to be as amicable as possible no matter what happens. And that you are concerned for her wellbeing and does she want to have some time to focus on her wellbeing before making such a big decision? Do you think she is coping well with you out of the house and looking after the baby all alone?

I know relationships can be hard work at times and the added stress of a very needy baby has been very difficult for us both to deal with.

I can accept this whole debacle and move on from it together if she wants. If she gives me an olive branch I will be there for her in a shot and we can work through this.

Unfortunately I very much doubt she will pay any attention to me suggesting she goes to see her GP. She'll just make out that i'm not taking what she is saying seriously and get offended. It really needs to come from someone else unless she changes her attitude towards me.

Looking a bit like catch-22.

But you cant force her back into being medicated because of that.

Sad though it is it maybe the medicated version is the one you loved and who loved you - but that is not a reason for her to go back to being on the tablets and you cannot expect that of her.

RIght now you need to see if you can live with/work with and love the version of your wife that you have

I dont imagine she will be enjoying being without the things I do in the house. I'd generally come home from work, play with my daughter for a bit, give her a bath, get her ready for bed, do the washing up, make food and wait for my wife to come down so we can eat together.

When I asked her about the logistics of where she goes from here she didnt really seem to know. She cant afford to stay where we are only working 3 days a week, yet she said she won't go back to full time as she wants to spend time with our daughter. Unless she gets help from her dad she's going to have to downgrade to a small rented place. Our daughter loves our current house as its 4 bedrooms and she has loads of space to run around.

Its all just so sad. She has a beautiful daughter, a husband that loves her and a 4 bedroom house in the area she always wanted.

And she wants to throw all that away.

No she wants to live a life where she doesnt have to be depending on taking a drug to get through it - and she needs a partner who does not expect that of her.

You dont seem to grasp what you are asking her to do by going back on medication - she has made the decision not to now you need to support that and both of you figure out if you can be together from there.

From what you have said it was the death of her mother and grieving which caused it and now she wants to stop. If that means your daughter has two smaller homes then so be it

Quartz I cant

I've tried having normal conversations with her and her responses are just unbelievable.

e.g.

Since we had our daughter she's always been asking me which one of my friends would be next - in an excited manner. 2 weeks ago i found out and I told her.....she didnt care....she later told me she wasnt interested....it was my friend and had nothing to do with her....

I bumped into her sister in the park while i was out with my daughter. We spoke about one of her other sisters kids being a bit teary and emotional recently. When I got home i mentioned it to my wife in passing and she looked at me disgusted and asked why the hell would I be talking about that?

I made small talk about my manager Dave buying us McDonalds breakfast and joked about my new job making me fat. She just looked at me dead pan and said who's Dave?.....I said thats my new manager. She just got up and walked out.

She text me by accident the other day. It was a text meant for her sister. It read 'men are such dicks x'. Then she retrieved it but i'd already read it. That message came through while I was downstairs making us food.

I could go on.......

She said she's not looking for another partner.

What did you mean by intervene?

What were the rocky periods?

That definitely sounds weird and difficult to deal with.

I don't think we can offer much advice. You may wish to speak with a solicitor about how to protect yourself and your relationship with your daughter if your wife doesn't change her mind.

Would your wife be interested in attending couples counselling? Or in seeing a counsellor on her own?

Have you spoken with her sister about your concerns? Don't have to mention the medication, just talk about the dramatic change in her behavior and how hard she's finding it with the baby, see if she has noticed anything and is concerned?

well that sounds downright unpleasant. Being on or off anti depressants is no excuse for being rude and nasty.

Has she actually give you any concrete reasons as to why she wants to split?

Or is it purely the incident where you mentioned her medication that has triggered all this off?

Livingbait, I wonder if the loss of her mother is impacting her, now she is a mum.

Trauma/depression is often revisited in mid life and sadly this may now be your wife.You were not together that long so perhaps this is who she is.
My ex changed to a very verbally abusive bully after many years together.There were many internal factors at play but as he refused to get help I had to separate.

The separation has sent him into a deeper downhill cycle and he now behaves terribly to our children.Its such a waste but unavoidable as no one can reach him.A relative of his said "its not that he won't talk to anyone, its because he won't listen to anyone"

I don't know if this is fixable which would be terribly sad but all you can do is try to get support from those who know her and see if there is a way forward.Perhaps have a timeframe in mind.

Definitely don't lose out on seeing your daughter, make a plan with your wife to get a schedule in place, including overnights.

Do you have any sources of support?

Krispy after I got that response from her when I told her i'd been chatting to her sister I immediately regretted not asking her sister a few subtle questions. The hindsight was pretty tough on that one. It was a perfect opportunity.

Previous rocky periods were varied. Early on she accused me of being too aloof and she broke up with me. Then we had minor bickers and I'd regularly walk away from them - generally because I could see it wasnt going to be resolved at that moment. Then those minor bickers would drag on. Before we got engaged she had always told me she had no interest in marriage - i took that on board. But one day I just said to her, if you ever did fancy it?....she was over the moon......beaming for days....now whenever we have a row she roasts me for not proposing romantically.....our sex life took a dip at one point and she accused me of not fancying her - i was stressed out at work.....she's accused me of drinking too much.....going out with friends too much.....

she even accused me of not wanting to marry her.....shortly after i'd dropped 2.5k on an engagement ring....

I would suggest contacting the sister too, to get her take on it. But be warned, if they are close, she might not want to.

She references that intervening thing as the reason. She said she can't trust me because i've threatened her over something extremely personal. But that was 5 weeks ago and in the meantime she invited me to her dads for food, suggested we do a big shop and stock up on food. Just kind of normal things that we've done in a really sad and depressing way.

I think not having her mum is a massive thing for her at this point and it makes her very upset. The mother in-law is not particularly liked. Plus she's accused my mum of not showing enough support.

I dunno....I just feel like I want to grab her and hug her......but its difficult when she looks at me like she wishes i'd just go and die in a ditch.

On mothers day i walked up to her and gave her a hug and her response wasn't to push me away as such....just not to embrace and just meandered away....

Her and her sister are very close. She is a single mum with two little girls and they spend a lot of time together.

Early on in our relationship she tried to tell my wife (then GF) to leave me. I found out about that and its been difficult to trust her since. Even though she did apologise and said she'd like to wipe the slate clean and be a sister.

Early on in our relationship she tried to tell my wife (then GF) to leave me

Why?

Protective?....Jealous?.....Didnt like that she was distracted from all the things my wife did for her 2 kids?....

See her got with her partner and after a short time fell pregnant. After her babies were born she found out he was a sex offender and had done some terrible things. He's long gone and she's back at home with her, dad single and now 37.

Sorry, that last post was poorly written. Shame you cant edit on here.

I totally see where you're both coming from here tbh.
She's probably really struggling with night feeds and baby only feeding to sleep. It is harder than you can ever know and you get a full night's sleep in the spare room the resentment she must feel is hard to imagine. Have you offered to help or try to get her to sleep in other ways? My daughter only fed to sleep if I was there but if it was my partner she was fine. Maybe you could offer your wife to sleep in the spare room and you could try to sleep train the baby?
Also, if she's suffering from exhaustion I'm not surprised she's not interested in your new job ! You can't understand it until you've been through it, but it's killer.
If my partner had threatened to 'intervene' I would have seen that as a threat to take my baby away and tbh I'd have kicked him out too. Imagine you're going through an incredibly hard time ( to the point where you're screaming you can't do it anymore) and she was just downstairs watching tv? That'd be incredibly infuriating.
She probably thinks she'd be better off without you, if you're not helping her, you may as well not be there. Less laundry to do after all.
I'm sorry that's harsh op but sometimes it's worth trying to see things from her point of view. Sleep is a basic needed human function and she's not getting it so yes everything else is going to go to shit.

rolling i dont think you've read enough of my other posts......up until recently she has always praised the help i've been to her

if she's ever said she cant do it i have always taken over with no complaints and lay there in bed with my daughter.....but without the boob she just panics and cries.....i dont complain i just lie there with her in my arms crying.....

I did read all of your posts op, and you do sound fantastically supportive. I was just trying to help you see it how she might see it?

I do apologise if it seemed I was having a go at you, you don't need kicking when you're down.

Sounds exceptionally hard work OP.

Maybe a split is the right option.

I really feel for you living bait. My husband too suffers from depression and sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him so I don't upset him at times. Try and give her some space and time to BOTH decide what you want. Saying that I know personally it is hard to stand back and watch someone you love self destruct. Maybe if you did speak to her dad but just about access to your daughter. It doesn't sound like its final between the two of you and there are a lot of things to sit down and discuss but feelings and emotions are running high at the moment.