My Wife Wants Us To Split Up

[LivingBait]

I hope you don't mind a bloke posting in here. I feel really isolated and could do with some advice.

I'll try and set the scene as much as i can without banging on.

I'm 36, she's 38. We met 4 years ago and have been married for 2. We've got a 1 (and a bit) year old daughter who we both adore.

Last summer we moved away from the city to a rural area where she is from originally because she wanted support from her family - who all still live there, apart from her mum who she lost when she was 17.

We've had a few rocky moments over the years but we've always seemed to get back on track. She has always talked about us being together, the future, holidays, possibly another baby etc. Even on valentines day gone we were romantic and discussed such things.

My wife has been on anti-depressants since I've known her and for a fair while before too. I've never judged her for it, its a result of the trauma of losing her mum. She recently started reducing her dose, and about 6 weeks ago told me she'd stopped completely. I had been noticing a marked change in her behaviour and her lack of seemingly genuine happiness. She started looking pale and seemed to be snappy.

One night about 5 weeks ago she was struggling to get our daughter to sleep. (She only sleeps on the boob at present and as such i generally have been sleeping in the spare room). Anyway, it was late, we were both tired and she just completely snapped - to the point i was concerned. I told her i think she's suffering from not taking her pills. Since then she's just been completely off with me. Barely talking to me and just showing no interest in anything in my life - i started a new job a month ago and she is completely uninterested.

Last weekend she said we need to talk. She told me she wants to sell the house and go our separate ways. She's even arranged a meeting with the solicitor to sell the house. She told me she doesn't want me to be in the house. She said its because of what I said about her behaving differently and threatening to intervene (only 3 people know she has been taking meds). She went to her dads house with our daughter for Easter and I spent Easter alone. Eventually I decided to give her what she wants and so I've gone to stay with my mum.

I cant stand the thought of not living with my daughter, but due to work logistics i wont be able to see her in the week as things stand, and i cant have her overnight because i haven't got boobs. I don't really know what to do. I feel powerless. She's in our house with our daughter, surrounded by her family and I've had to go home to my mum. I feel like talking to her dad about it but he doesn't even know she's been on anti-depressants, let alone stopping.

She's on the brink of ruining my life and she doesn't seem to care. We made wedding vows that she is not honouring in the slightest. Its not like I've had an affair or knocked her about or anything. All I did was show concern about her behaviour - even if threatening to intervene was a bit.......threatening....

Where to turn?.....

Yeah, sounds like she's got pretty severe depression OP. Can you ask her father how they convinced her to go on them before?

She certainly sounds in a bad place at the moment and you are suffering with all the worry about your future and your daughter's wellbeing. You could have a word with her parents and see what they think. Does your wife work. It could be that she is getting more depressed by being at home alone in a rural area with a young child.

I cant speak to her father because he doesnt know. This is why i feel so isolated.

One of her sisters knows and two of her friends. Thats it.

But there is a chance i might have this completely wrong. It might be nothing to do with the Anti-D's and she might just not want to be with me anymore. But thats just not consistent with how she has been with me prior to these recent weeks.

I think it's really easy for everyone here to say 'you should have said/done this' but in the moment (late, exhausted, screaming baby, Dad not knowing what to say, Mum struggling) things aren't so simple and words are thrown around that shouldn't be. I get that. I've been there at 2am with a husband who doesn't get it.

The right thing to do now is ask to sit down and talk with her. Be open and explain that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings or say the wrong thing. Ask how you can help in that situation. Tell her you love her (I'm assuming you still do?) and that you want to make this right. Then prove that by doing what she needs and putting her first.

In regards to the medication I think she needs to realise on her own that she might have rushed into that and you need to just be a constant support without ever implying that's why she's struggling because it might not be. I have pretty good mental health yet I've lost my shit loads of times in those early years of motherhood. It's human!

My wife works 3 days a week. Occasionally working from home while our daughter is in nursery.

On the two days she doesn't work she meets her sisters who also have kids, they go for coffee or to soft play, she meets her dad who takes her shopping and buys them lunch......she has a lot of people in the area who help her....

I'm alone up there. All my friends and family are in the city.

But there is a chance i might have this completely wrong. It might be nothing to do with the Anti-D's and she might just not want to be with me anymore.

That's possible. But speaking as someone with severe depression whose been on Anti D's for 18 years and who tried going cold turkey twice and ended up in massive downward spirals, both times about 2 months after I went cold turkey, I think the going off Anti-D's combined with the pressures/hormones of breastfeeding are 1000 times more likely.

Not medical at all and could be way off mark but if your wife is now off antidepressants could your daughter be withdrawing as well ( obv due to being bf ) and perhaps her changed behaviour is also affecting your wife i.e. not settling at night or more active during the day ?

I really appreciate some of the replies....thanks...

I do still love her yes.

But she has been pretty nasty to me over these last few weeks. I don't love that.

You poor thing op - it does sound like your wife is in a bad place at the moment.

If the strain breastfeeding is playing a significant part in her state of mind then I would recommend working to get a different bedtime routine established. I appreciate it might not be easy to bring this up but worth a try as it would hopefully show you're thinking about how you can help the situation. I'm not surprised your wife is exhausted with it if your dd is 1 and a bit and still needing the boob to fall asleep. I'm assuming she wakes in the night too and needs the boob to settle again? I know how stressful this can be as I've been there myself. My dd refused to take a bottle. I found it such a strain after the first six months and also felt trapped as I was the only way she'd fall asleep. In the end we sought advice from the health visitor as we reached the point where we knew something had to change - dh felt helpless and I was getting more and more desperate. We ended up getting her to take cows milk (fine after the age of 1) from a cup rather than a bottle and dh gave this to her at bedtime. It was a bit of a battle but we persevered and got through it. We also got her to settle herself to sleep and that in turn helped her sleep through the night.

I'm not saying this is the answer to all your problems but it does sound like you need to do something to address the things you can control.

our daughter has always been a terrible sleeper and is very demanding....

I've spent quite a lot of time reading up on people stopping taking this Anti-D and most times it seems the person in question generally becomes aware of their behaviour and realises now might not be the right time to stop. I want her to see that. Even if she doesnt want to be with me, I dont think she should've stopped because she doesnt seem right at all.

I want to ask other people if they've noticed a change in her behaviour. But I dont really have anyone to ask.

I will try her dad before I just accept it as whats happening.

I think coffeecow has really good advice and you should follow it. Depression (including postnatal) can really mess with your head.

Additionally ... this is a difficult situation for both of you. You sound very isolated--does your workplace have an employee assistance programme or anything similar you could access to get counselling (over the phone or in person)? Or could you get counselling outside of work, or open up to a friend? You need someone to talk to so you're not bottling up all the frustration and then exploding, or needing to lean on your wife when she doesn't have the emotional resources at present to support you.

I'd suggest you could also talk to her dad without mentioning her medication--you could simply say that you're worried that she may be suffering from postnatal depression and not sure she's getting the support she needs.

SingingGoldfinch what you just described is exactly how it is. She wakes up in the night for boob and I feel terrible but helpless.

I see she resents having to do all the breastfeeding and I understand.

So you threatened her when she was unwell and now you're confused as to why she wants to leave?

No he tried to talk to his wife and told her he would intervene.

FWIW when my DP stopped ADs (ssri's) he weaned off slowly over the course of about 12 weeks. Throughout those weeks, plus another couple of months he was in physical pain, and his depression was awful. He had worked through the initial problem, but was convinced his depression was worse than ever. He withdrew, needed more sleep, etc. He was absolutely fine once he had been off them for a while.

So if she is on any ADs that is even harder to come off (there are certain ones that people are often transferred onto in order to titrate off easier), she stopped cold turkey (!!), and plus she suffers from bad PMS (not clear if this is the case) and maybe hasnt addressed her actual depression and its causes.....then yes recipe for disaster. She would really really benefit from medical support, but Im not sure how you can tell her this and for her to understand the place it comes from...

You are right, however, this may just be one contributing factor rather than the actual cause. Maybe she would want to split either way. But it isnt really possible that it wont be contributing somewhat.

I'm afraid you are getting a somewhat typical response to a man posting OP! If you were a woman you would be receiving lots of sympathy and understanding.

My DP is on anti depressant/anti anxiety pills and every so often stops them and after a few weeks the downhill spiral starts.

Is there anyone in her family who is aware she is on these meds and who she talks to or values their advice/opinion? Could you have a chat with them and see if they would be willing to have a chat with her?

Don't rush in to agreeing to sell the house/divorce etc. If she is unwell or becoming unwell she might feel very different and do a complete u turn if she goes back on her meds.

I eventually spoke to my mum and a friend about it, which i felt bad for because i feel such loyalty to her.

I work in construction. There isnt much support for that kind of thing here unfortunately.

Like I've said before she has always been complimentary about how supportive i am, and said she couldnt do it without me etc. Now it seems she wants to. Possibly because where we live now she has the support of others.

I will speak to her dad if I have to (without mentioning the meds) but he's on holiday.

You’re getting an unnecessarily hard time, but most men do when they post something like this. The first assumption will always be that you’re not doing enough housework/night feeds/emotional support etc.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, I’ve been where your wife is and it does sounds like she’s struggling without meds. Is she withdrawing under a GP?

Have you tried to talk to her? Tell her that you’re sorry, that you love her and that you want this to work. Is she open to meeting up to discuss your relationship?

To the woman saying you threatened her.. oh please. My mum has suffered the exact same. I also threatened to intervene and DID so. I phoned the doctors, doing nothing is not helpful where it comes to health. Just because a mental illness can’t be seen, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. The doctor now sees my mum once a week and she’s back on track.

It’s actually normal for people to stop taking their tablets, I’ve also experienced this too. They feel better and stop but don’t realise they’re going rapidly down hill. It is so so hard to understand but it is normal, I’ve learnt this.

My advice would be to follow your instincts. You know her and others should know. There should be no shame about mental health. I’d phone the doctors, leave a message and see what they advise. Don’t give up on her, she may just want to split or she may genuinely need your help

Absolutely spot on lozza.

I took my meds, felt better so felt like I didn’t ‘need’ them and came off them. It can actually make your depression and anxiety worse.

Sorry OP, this sounds very difficult.

You sound like a good caring husband, although some posts previously might not make you think you are.

It got to come down to communication now. There is no other option as you cannot continue like this. She must be seeing a doctor to get the ad scripts, perhaps the first step would be to see dr again, and talk the meds part through. I do know that stopping suddenly like that is not recommended. Yes, I have been on AD, not for this long, so I understand why she wanted off them, they do have side affects, but it needs to be done the right way. On the bf front, your dd is over a year now, perhaps trying to introduce a cup or some other means would be an idea. She cannot bf forever, at some point she has to start weaning, which will take some pressure of your dw.

OP it is tough having a young child. It brings about all sorts of things we didn't consider prior to the birth, and lack of sleep etc, you cannot forsee how you will act when this happens.

It is no shame to be have depression if that is what she is thinking by not telling anyone.

If I were you, I would plan to meet up and talk. And get it all out. Let the inlaws have the baby for the day, and get this all out.

Wish you all the best OP, I really hope that you can work through this.

thanks for the kind and supportive messages

when we had our talk and she told me she wanted to split and sell the house etc, I was open with her that I've been concerned about the way she's been since she stopped taking them....

her response was that she was on such a small dose it was virtually a placebo anyway.....i dont know what to make of that

problem is if she was tearful and depressed i would be the first one to put my arm round her and give her a hug.....but she just seems to have become disassociated , rude and borderline aggressive....

i havent seen a genuine smile on her face for a fair while now...when i've been home she's just played with our daughter in a way that appears cheerful but to me it just seems like a veneer

This must be hard for both of you, I feel sorry for both you and your wife!

FWIW if I were in the throes of depression I might have found the wording of your text about "intervening" threatening. I'm not saying you were threatening her--but that it might have felt that way, and driven me away from you, when I was in that dark place already. But I don't know how your wife perceived it. It's different for different people.

Communication is key, as is reassuring her that you want what's best for her and your child.

Sorry if I missed this ... have you suggested she visit her GP? A doctor would be better placed than either of you to determine if the small dosage really was like a placebo or not. Or to suggest alternative means of coping with the stress of new motherhood. I found the loss of sleep a real killer when mine was a baby--I am amazed I survived at all when I look back now!

I would reassure her that it's not that you are trying to pressure her to get back on meds, but that you are concerned for her wellbeing and want to make sure she's taking care of herself and getting medical advice. Maybe try to separate that from the splitting up question, if you can?

Don't make her feel like she's trapped in the relationship ("I won't leave until you start taking meds again ... talk to a doctor ... give me a better explanation ... etc."). She may be acting unfairly, but if she is in fact determined to go, or is seriously unwell, feeling pressure from you could just make her worse. But if she feels like you will respect her request but you ALSO are concerned for her wellbeing. You love her and want what's best for her--even if that's painful for you and not exactly what you want. That might reassure her enough to help her put the brakes on the splitting up notion until she gets herself on a more even keel.

I haven't suggested that she see her GP really no. She's still got loads of packs of her Anti-D in the house, I would just like her to go back to taking them and see if anything changes. But last time we spoke she refused to accept that any of this was down to her tablets or depression.

She is sleep deprived and I wish there was something that I could do about that. On the weekends I always have my daughter in the morning so she can have a lie in. And on the days she doesnt work they both go back to bed for a nap about 10:30.

With the intervening thing I could see how she might take that as threatening but I have since tried to explain that I am concerned about how she is. But when she is so hostile towards me its hard to put that in across in the caring light it ideally would be.

When the intervening threat came about it was late on a Friday night, neither of us had eaten (I was going to get us food when our daughter went down) and we were both tired and frustrated. When me and my wife cant have an hour to ourselves of an evening I hate it too!

I work long hours and I take my daughter to nursery in the mornings. I dont neglect my duties, I work hard. I respect our marriage vows and I dont feel like I deserve this. It took her 4 or 5 weeks after the event for her to actually tell me this is what she wants.

And to make matters worse I never even wanted to move out there. It was something she really wanted and so I did it for her and our daughter.

Sorry...i'm probably just ranting now.....but all these things matter and make me feel even more hurt that she's just turning her back on me.

But it does a little sound like you are saying you want and love the medicated version of her - the one that is on anti depressants and that must be hard for her to hear.

You need to take the medication out of it - its unfair on her for you to force that point

The medicated version of her is the only one I've ever known.

Up until this point anyway.