My Wife Wants Us To Split Up

[LivingBait]

I hope you don't mind a bloke posting in here. I feel really isolated and could do with some advice.

I'll try and set the scene as much as i can without banging on.

I'm 36, she's 38. We met 4 years ago and have been married for 2. We've got a 1 (and a bit) year old daughter who we both adore.

Last summer we moved away from the city to a rural area where she is from originally because she wanted support from her family - who all still live there, apart from her mum who she lost when she was 17.

We've had a few rocky moments over the years but we've always seemed to get back on track. She has always talked about us being together, the future, holidays, possibly another baby etc. Even on valentines day gone we were romantic and discussed such things.

My wife has been on anti-depressants since I've known her and for a fair while before too. I've never judged her for it, its a result of the trauma of losing her mum. She recently started reducing her dose, and about 6 weeks ago told me she'd stopped completely. I had been noticing a marked change in her behaviour and her lack of seemingly genuine happiness. She started looking pale and seemed to be snappy.

One night about 5 weeks ago she was struggling to get our daughter to sleep. (She only sleeps on the boob at present and as such i generally have been sleeping in the spare room). Anyway, it was late, we were both tired and she just completely snapped - to the point i was concerned. I told her i think she's suffering from not taking her pills. Since then she's just been completely off with me. Barely talking to me and just showing no interest in anything in my life - i started a new job a month ago and she is completely uninterested.

Last weekend she said we need to talk. She told me she wants to sell the house and go our separate ways. She's even arranged a meeting with the solicitor to sell the house. She told me she doesn't want me to be in the house. She said its because of what I said about her behaving differently and threatening to intervene (only 3 people know she has been taking meds). She went to her dads house with our daughter for Easter and I spent Easter alone. Eventually I decided to give her what she wants and so I've gone to stay with my mum.

I cant stand the thought of not living with my daughter, but due to work logistics i wont be able to see her in the week as things stand, and i cant have her overnight because i haven't got boobs. I don't really know what to do. I feel powerless. She's in our house with our daughter, surrounded by her family and I've had to go home to my mum. I feel like talking to her dad about it but he doesn't even know she's been on anti-depressants, let alone stopping.

She's on the brink of ruining my life and she doesn't seem to care. We made wedding vows that she is not honouring in the slightest. Its not like I've had an affair or knocked her about or anything. All I did was show concern about her behaviour - even if threatening to intervene was a bit.......threatening....

Where to turn?.....

why dont you get yourself over to dadsnet and give all men a hard time like you are clearly just set out to do here...you just seem angry and scorned i think you need your own thread

No, don't hate all men, no not scorned. Have you got your misogynist handbook out or what? Don't need a thread thanks as my husband of nearly twenty years isn't trying to leave me. And he doesn't "knock me about" so I'm doubly lucky I guess.

Whale come on, emotions are running high for the OP I'm sure. I know he rather did make it personal, but it could stop now I think.

There is a history on MN of men posting their side of a very carefully edited story to get a certain response so they can show to their MNer partner how unreasonable they are. I have my concerns here. That said I don't think I've been unfair, merely pointed out bait's actual words and why I think they are an issue, he reacted in a way that to be honest, I completely expected. Why not ask him to be less rude?

I would respectfully suggest that the OP's wife in all likelihood came off antidepressants to see how she felt about OP while not under the influence of prescription drugs. When I told my soon to be ex I wanted to separate and he refused to listen I used alcohol to anesthetize myself. IMO I ended up developing complex post traumatic stress disorder as the strain of living in a loveless marriage was exacerbated by a refusal by members of both our families (and some friends too) to accept that the marriage could and should end. My soon to be ex told family and friends that I was going crazy and both he and my father were desperate to medicalize me. They refused to accept that my mood and unhappiness were due to feeling trapped in a marriage I no longer wanted to be in and then getting very little support from family or friends. It was a crazy-making situation so it was hardly surprising that I was, indeed, a bit 'crazy'. When I confronted soon to be ex with some home truths about our financial situation he point blank denied the evidence that I put before his very eyes and called me a fantasist. Accusing someone of doing what you yourself are doing is a clever and amazingly effective technique for smearing someone. It has the added advantage of taking the spotlight off oneself and onto someone else. My soon to be ex continues to refuse to do any self-examination and has never had any counselling as he does not believe he has any problems.

Unfortunately marriage can be a hotbed for gender expectations and if you were raised to be a good, compliant little person you tend to become a good, complaint little spouse especially if this has been modeled by your own parents. My father was always very boastful that 'no one in this family has ever got divorced.' But, looking at it another way, divorce can be an honest acceptance that the marriage is not working. I spent years worrying about what the effect of splitting up with their father would have on our children. (Contrary to what some people seem to think which is quite astonishing).

Then my eldest daughter got into a long term relationship and left home. I realized that, even if they had children together, if she wanted to leave him I would have not problem at all supporting her decision. I love her boyfriend to bits but I would never want her to stay in a relationship that she didn't want to be in. That clinched the whole decision for me. And when anyone asks me how the children are taking it (which can come with an oblique or not so oblique judgement that I'm being a terrible mother) I tell them they are absolutely fine. And that they are grown up, for goodness sake. And I remind them that it is a terrible model for children of any age to see that their parents are only together for their sake. One of my children's attitude towards me and indeed towards nearly everything has improved dramatically since I have been frank about the divorce and my reasons for it. I realized I had actually been modelling a dysfunctional relationship which had allowed her to be manipulated by a toxic young man for several years. Needless to say soon to be ex (who everyone thinks is the 'perfect' family man) had encouraged her to cry on his shoulder but had provided no insight to help broken-hearted daughter to tell this toad to 'B off'.

It suited soon to be ex to cast me as the wicked witch who had split up the 'perfect' family so daughter had been crying on his shoulder while being disrespectful towards me. Since we have had very long conversations about how toxic or dysfunctional people can operate in relationships, heart-broken daughter has seen the light and now understands that she was being used and abused. I feel quite confident she won't let this happen again so I hope I have managed to break a pattern of behaviour which can go down through generation after generation.

If OP's wife has really been on antidepressants since the death of her mother, that is an awfully long time and it would suggest to me that she is in need of some very good bereavement counselling. Cruise are meant to be really good. These days there is better understanding of the importance of help and support when a child or young person (or indeed anyone) suffers from a bereavement. But that is relatively recent.

But, to cut to the chase, IMO the problem is she is just not that into you. Personally, I would put dealing with relationships including reasons to marry/not marry on the national curriculum. It would save a lot of heartache not to mention money in a number of huge industries that profit from the institution of marriage and of course the process of divorce. It is only now I realize how it is that divorce lawyers are so very busy and so very well off!

WHat a great post Butterballs.

"You're crazy" "I'm going to intervene" and threatening to out someone as "crazy" have been the standard play book for getting women to behave for generations.

Hell it even gave us the word "hysteria"!

Butterballs and WhaleTasting thank you glad its not just me who gets the same sense. I have tried to point out that in effect he is trying to keep his wife medicated for him rather than look into what is best for her. I think that speaks volumes

10 years of being on antidepressants is a long time .... normally reducing medication only occurs under the GP supervision. From what you have described I would be concerned about her mental well being too. If you are able to, you should phone the GP to gain some advice. Good luck OP.

Whale pull out the quote where I labelled anyone as 'crazy' . . And then re-visit your post

Thanks moodance . . I only want the best for all 3 of us . . My mum saw her over the weekend too and thought she seemed a bit cold and vacant . .

My mum saw her over the weekend too and thought she seemed a bit cold and vacant

Do you normally critique your wife with your mother, or do you just allow her to critique your wife?

Your entire thread has labelled your wife crazy, basically for not wanting to be with you anymore.

Whale the lack of balance to your post just forces me to disregard them

You are an angry individual

She isn’t angry she is simply pointing out you ignore anything that does not fit with you let opinion on the subject.

Your marriage is over and it’s not hard to see why from these posts

Whale the lack of balance to your post just forces me to disregard them

You are an angry individual

Post doesn't agree with me= angry/unbalanced to be disregarded.

I sense a pattern.

to the OP's wife if she's reading.I hope you have a right bastard of a lawyer.

Thanks Quartz.

Also I have tried to point out that in effect he is trying to keep his wife medicated for him rather than look into what is best for her. it's quite upsetting when you consider it that way.

I'm sorry you're having such a painful time and I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time on here tbh, you seem to care about your wife and don't want to lose your family, I don't think there's anything wrong with that!

I have suffered from depression and withdrawal from some anti depressants can be hideous. Coming off Venlafaxine was the hardest thing I've ever done

I think all you can do is continue to be supportive and loving where your wife will allow it. Try to be careful about what you say to her Dad. Be honest so that he knows you're concerned about her wellbeing and your marriage but don't betray her trust.

I really hope things work out for you

Op I was with you until you sent her Dad a text about something she had asked you not to while confiding in you. That's pure nasty. I'd leave you just for that. Its actually quite controlling along with all the 'he won't want another single mum daughter' - luckily for her he doesn't own her. No man does.
Obviously I'm not sure if the way it's coming across is the way it is but now you've completely violated her trust and her choices. She is allowed to leave you, she could just be annoyed at you. When I left my ex he thought everything was fine too - just a month before 'we' were talking about marriage ! But that's all bull. I'd be annoyed for ages, he just hadn't realised.

OP, threatening to intervene would have really upset her because it doesn't sound supportive of her choice, at the time she probably really needed your support over quitting the meds not criticism for it. I think you could've handled it better by saying you support her quitting, but doing it safely with support with the GP so that there is reduced risk of relapse.

You say you have had rocky moments in the past, and reading them I would say that is indicative of your relationship. It's only 4yrs long and you've now broken up twice and had rows that don't seem to get resolved (you admit to walking away during them and they then drag on). It doesn't sound a very healthy relationship even when she is on meds, which makes me think it's not the coming off the meds at fault here.

I would also say I think her dad is very aware of the situation as you say your wife went to her dads for Easter without you and I'm sure she would have told her dad why she did so. I'm not sure what he would therefore make of your txt to him. Did he reply to you?

At the end of the day, I feel for you wanting to get your wife and child back, but both of you need to want that, and both of you need to get some support on how to communicate with each other, or history will just keep repeating itself.

There is a history on MN of men posting their side of a very carefully edited story to get a certain response so they can show to their MNer partner how unreasonable they are

FFS, and are you really so naive to think that just men do this on MN? Do you really think that on every AIBU or relationship thread the OP has given 100% full disclosure on all the pertinent facts?

FFS, and are you really so naive to think that just men do this on MN? Do you really think that on every AIBU or relationship thread the OP has given 100% full disclosure on all the pertinent facts?

You ok hun?

* She's on the brink of ruining my life and she doesn't seem to care. We made wedding vows that she is not honouring in the slightest. Its not like I've had an affair or knocked her about or anything. All I did was show concern about her behaviour - even if threatening to intervene was a bit.......threatening....* This is not an ok way to think. If she wants to leave you- she is perfectly entitled too. YOU are not entitled to keeping her in a relationship she doesn't want to be in because otherwise she'd be 'ruining your life'. It's not the effing 1950's women can leave for things other than having been 'knocked about' or cheated on. So you made wedding vows! Again we're not living 200 years ago. People can leave despite their wedding vows and women CAN change their minds. You sound like a very misogynistic person with very old fashioned views. Get your shit together if you want to be near your kid. Maybe she has too much going on for her to be worrying over you. Not saying you're not genuinely concerned but I think you need to take a look at how you see things and then look at things from her point of view and put her first. She is the one with the most on her plate here and she is the one who's suffering most here and you should do what's best for her (not just from your point of view but taking hers in to account too) and what she wants because that will ultimately be what's best for your kid who she will undoubtably be bringing up more than you. That's biology and the law.

And 'he won't want another single mum daughter' Um just no. Sexist and awful. I feel sorry for your wife and I hope you leave. Sounds like it would be best for her. You sound controlling and nasty.

I support the actions you’ve taken, including contacting her dad, and encourage even more. If anything, I’d probably stop with the texting everyone and go phone or face to face. Ask her dad to meet briefly with you. Ditto the sisters. Book a GP appointment and go and talk to them yourself, about your wife.

If I were you, I would be as proactive as humanly possible. While there is even a slim chance of sorting this out. But more importantly, so you can face your grown up daughter one day and say, hand on heart, I did everything I could think of.

Even write them both a letter now (keep a copy) telling them how much they mean to you, and how much you enjoy family moments together. List your best ‘all three together’ memories. It can be very hard to recall the good times, when depression and sleep deprivation are active. Outline the future you hope for, including the small daily acts of service you’d feel privileged to offer them both, and the big milestones that you can’t wait to be there for (first day of school, etc).

Sounds like she’s staring down a long dark claustrophobic tunnel, and it can’t hurt to try and remind her you can be the light at the end. Even if she’s convinced you’re the train. Referencing other posters, you could add that even if she doesn’t take the old meds, or ends up with other strategies or other meds, you look forward to getting to know the ‘new’ her and supporting her choices in a brighter future.

Truthfully, I think you need to get her into a GP and counselling ASAP, and then yourselves both to couples counselling as well. Prevail upon her family & friends to help advocate this path to her? Make an appointment and let her know the time? If she doesn’t come, use it yourself. You never know what new ideas could come out of it.

Obviously don’t get stalky or overbearing, but texting from your mum’s couch and wringing your hands while your family slips away isn’t getting you anywhere. Get in there and fight, in a way that you can be proud of a decade from now.

Good luck to you, and remember that breastfeeding won’t keep you from seeing your daughter, at least for much longer.

Yes, suggesting counselling is a good idea.

Has her father replied to the text?

I came off my meds a few years back because I thought I was ok. It was a bad thing to think I could do it without even consulting my doctor. I'd gone back to work too. I went backwards very quickly and didn't even realise it. Back on again now and more my old self.

She's been on for 10 years and came off with no medical supervision. You are right to be concerned. Being on ADs for ten years is a long time. What type of depression does she suffer from?

I understand your concern about your wife stopping taking her medication without support and monitoring by a health professional. Even on a low dose because of the considerable length of time she has taken them it should definitely be under medical supervision.

At the moment you have little choice but to accept your wife's decision. She is fully entitled to end the relationship whatever the circumstances and whatever her mental health. It is a delicate situation and you say she has not yet made any firm planning for the immediate future so maybe you could see if she is open to the suggestion of a trial separation for a specific length of time while emotions on both sides are high. I have deliberately said BOTH sides as you yourself are acting hastily by as messaging her father and threatening to intervene as she wasn't behaving like her normal self. These actions will make her feel trapped and she will feel you are using her mental health issues against her (I know you may not have intended that at all) When you also say that your mother referred to you wife as looking cold and vacant this is could also be construed as a judgement of her mental health.

Would you be able to go and reconnect with friends so you don't feel so isolated and lonely? It would be beneficial to you too if you have a support system at this difficult time.

To be honest if your daughter is a terrible sleeper and very demanding and also likes to use only the breast for comfort at night your wife must indeed be exhausted. You also say she has returned to work 3 days per week so I'm not surprised she is nearing the end of her tether and shouting that she has had enough.

Maybe patience will pay off and with a bit of breathing space your wife might want to reconcile but maybe she won't. Its a tough situation and is made all the more difficult when it is not a mutual decision. I hope things work out for both of you.

I appreciate you are in a great deal of distress but please don't use phrases such as he won't want another daughter that is a single mum There is no shame or stigma with being a single mum at all.