My Wife Wants Us To Split Up

[LivingBait]

I hope you don't mind a bloke posting in here. I feel really isolated and could do with some advice.

I'll try and set the scene as much as i can without banging on.

I'm 36, she's 38. We met 4 years ago and have been married for 2. We've got a 1 (and a bit) year old daughter who we both adore.

Last summer we moved away from the city to a rural area where she is from originally because she wanted support from her family - who all still live there, apart from her mum who she lost when she was 17.

We've had a few rocky moments over the years but we've always seemed to get back on track. She has always talked about us being together, the future, holidays, possibly another baby etc. Even on valentines day gone we were romantic and discussed such things.

My wife has been on anti-depressants since I've known her and for a fair while before too. I've never judged her for it, its a result of the trauma of losing her mum. She recently started reducing her dose, and about 6 weeks ago told me she'd stopped completely. I had been noticing a marked change in her behaviour and her lack of seemingly genuine happiness. She started looking pale and seemed to be snappy.

One night about 5 weeks ago she was struggling to get our daughter to sleep. (She only sleeps on the boob at present and as such i generally have been sleeping in the spare room). Anyway, it was late, we were both tired and she just completely snapped - to the point i was concerned. I told her i think she's suffering from not taking her pills. Since then she's just been completely off with me. Barely talking to me and just showing no interest in anything in my life - i started a new job a month ago and she is completely uninterested.

Last weekend she said we need to talk. She told me she wants to sell the house and go our separate ways. She's even arranged a meeting with the solicitor to sell the house. She told me she doesn't want me to be in the house. She said its because of what I said about her behaving differently and threatening to intervene (only 3 people know she has been taking meds). She went to her dads house with our daughter for Easter and I spent Easter alone. Eventually I decided to give her what she wants and so I've gone to stay with my mum.

I cant stand the thought of not living with my daughter, but due to work logistics i wont be able to see her in the week as things stand, and i cant have her overnight because i haven't got boobs. I don't really know what to do. I feel powerless. She's in our house with our daughter, surrounded by her family and I've had to go home to my mum. I feel like talking to her dad about it but he doesn't even know she's been on anti-depressants, let alone stopping.

She's on the brink of ruining my life and she doesn't seem to care. We made wedding vows that she is not honouring in the slightest. Its not like I've had an affair or knocked her about or anything. All I did was show concern about her behaviour - even if threatening to intervene was a bit.......threatening....

Where to turn?.....

I would like to talk to her dad . . His relationship with her mum was bumpy at times by all accounts . .she was a firey irish lady. .

Plus he's always said both myself and my friends are a lovely bunch . . He wont want another daughter thats a single mum. .

Also he'll need a good explanation as to why its happening . . I dont know how that can happen without him finding out the truth . .

But yes like you say, i've been on eggshells for the last 5wks or so . . Extremely uncomfortable living environment . . Which i find so sad

How's things going living bait?

thinking about contacting her dad today....

plus today is our wedding anniversary...

i preferred last year.....

She's on the brink of ruining my life and she doesn't seem to care. We made wedding vows that she is not honouring in the slightest. Its not like I've had an affair or knocked her about or anything.

That's briliant you haven't cheated or "knocked her about" but those aren't the only two reasons women have for wanting out.

She's on the brink of ruining my life. Not our lives.

She's not honouring your wedding vows? How so? Wanting to seperate if you are unhappy is fine, especially if the person threatened to "intervene" . To a new mother with mh issues "intervene" means a custody risk and you know full well that's what the threat would imply to her.

And while she may have praised your "support" in the past that doesn't mean she hasn't now realised it wasn't actualy enough. I've had friends who go on and on about their "brilliant" husbands because he changes the odd nappy. They're fine with that but it's not equal and it does leave the door open for their eyes to eventually open and for women to realise that their partner still isn't actually doing his fair share. Doing the cooking and washing up isn't that difficult at all. Certainly not compared to the general upkeep of a four bedroom house and looking after a baby all day. It's exhausting. Especially if you are drinking too much and going out too much while she's stuck in with the baby. And no, before you say it. It is isn't your fault you haven't got tits, but equally it isn't her fault she has. That means you are partners and when she's stuck at home with the baby you should be stuck at home with her looking after the baby.

You're seeing these things as coming out of the blue but it's also possible your wife decided to move closer to home because she wanted to split. Has that not occured to you? She has set up a network for herself.

I'm actually gob smacked you've got four pages of support from MN with no one commenting on "I haven't cheated or beaten her so why is she ruining my life wah wah wha"

I like how you assume she is carrying out the general upkeep of a four bedroom house.....

and FYI i stopped going out with my friends a long time ago....it now happens once in a blue moon...

i'm out there in the sticks on my own because i sacrificed all that for the betterment of my wife and daughter...

I’m with you OP.

I regretfully went and saw a solicitor about my position as DH was being awful, couldn’t see it, and I saw no signs of it getting better.

Came home and told him, he broke down and then admitted he’d stopped taking his meds and that coincided with his change in behaviour. I actually laughed in relief at that and gave him a huge hug and said thank fuck for that! Told him to start taking the pills again and warned him it’d be the usual 4-5 weeks before they kicked in again but we’ve been back to normal again.

If he wants to wean off the pills then he’s been told to do it with the doctor.

Unfortunately unless your DW sees that she needs to talk to her GP and this might be the issue you won’t get anywhere.

I certainly wouldn’t leave until you’ve lost hope. I’d also be telling her to talk to her family and youd have nothing to lose by talking to them yourself and asking them to get her to speak to her GP.

and the point i was trying to make is that i havent done something so awful that it warrants grounds for divorce....

you dont go from contemplating a second child one month to breaking up the family the next month without good reason...

thanks Joysmum

I'm with you too OP.

I also think complete honesty with her dad is something you're right to consider. It won't stop him loving her, but if she has someone firmly on her side who has all the facts - even the facts she wouldn't want to tell them - that may be no bad thing for her. Even if it doesn't help you.

One thing struck me though, and I hate to contemplate it. That text she sent to you by mistake, "men are dicks"... It occurs to me that might not have been about you. It seems an odd thing to say given the picture you've painted - not that she wouldn't think you were a dick, but just that that isn't how she'd say it if it were about her husband.

Again, I'm so sorry to suggest it, but it would explain a lot, like how she'd expect to be able to fill the void of all the things you do for her, and why she isn't worried about losing the house. Also why she might be distant when playing with your DD, as if she's imagining another life...

One thing I'm fairly sure of though op, of there is another man who occasionally she feels treats her like a dick, her sister knows about it.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I think you'd be wise to consider it. Because right now you're looking at yourself - at you and her - for an answer as to why this is happening. And perhaps that's a fool's errand if the answer lies elsewhere.

Thanks Roly.....

The text could have been about her other sisters husband. They have 3 kids and he is quite old school in that he comes home from work and is more like 'whats for tea?' and 'why is the house such a mess?' etc...

but she did retrieve the text so........

I'm on the verge of texting her dad.....its pretty much typed out just got my finger hovering over send....

once this text goes its all in....

It doesn't sound as if you have an awful lot to lose at this point, I'm sorry to say.

text sent

I feel for you OP, it's really tough living with someone who doesn't recognize that they are mentally unwell.

^This. Sorry you are having a hard time
OP.

I like how you assume she is carrying out the general upkeep of a four bedroom house.....

I'm assuming because you said you do the cooking and the washing up. Maybe you have a live-in maid but unless you do someone is cleaning. If it's the baby then yes, you are right to intervene with the authorities.

and the point i was trying to make is that i havent done something so awful that it warrants grounds for divorce....

Doesn't want to be with you is grounds enough for divorce!

IME though men who don't abuse women don't tend to mention it as though they've done something spectacular. Aggressive men do though because they think they have been restrained..

I'm sure that telling her father about your marital woes and her MH issues will do your marriage a world of good though.

I suspect you won't be seeing your wife on the next anniversary either.

Also well done on the building suspense with

"finger on the button"

"send"

type posts.

I'm with you OP. Depression can completely change someone's personality. If she won't seek help and/or take her meds you need to ask yourself if this is really the person you want to spend your life with (not to mention the effect on your child).

Prepare for an anticlimax OP, just in case.

I really feel for you OP. I came off my anti-ds because of external pressure (mainly, but not solely) from a so-called friend that I'd been on them too long; would end up addicted; would be on them for life, etc. I became a suicidal monster. My DH was a saint, though I didn't see it at the time. Keep telling her you love her and you want a life with her. Ask her what she'd like to see improve. Keep talking. I wish you all the best.

Whale.....I think you need to go for a lie down or something...

my wife has always joked about the fact she is no domestic goddess....

why dont you get yourself over to dadsnet and give all men a hard time like you are clearly just set out to do here...

you just seem angry and scorned

i think you need your own thread

Thanks Monica

I wish I had more of an idea of why decided to stop taking them....especially without GP advice...

If I were you OP, I'd be planning my exit carefully in case it does go the way it's looking like. Don't get caught on the hop. Your priorities must be your child and yourself. If she's decided to go it alone I'm afraid that you won't be changing her mind. Do not grovel, beg or demean yourself to get her to stay, it won't work and will only make you feel bad. Get yourself to a good solicitor asap and get some legal advice to secure your rights. Someone who is not in a right frame of mind to make informed decisions can also make rash ones, so protect yourself. She may change her mind, she may not but being prepared for the fallout will lessen the impact for you. Good luck.

Can you work harder at getting your dd to sleep?
I'm a firm advocate of breastfeeding but it does seem like it's affecting your wife's mental health and prevents you from helping her as much as is possible. Your dd is 1 year old now so can be weaned onto cows milk, no need for formula. Isn't it something like less than 1% of babies receiving breast milk at age 1?

m0vin I wont be grovelling or anything like that.....I'm aware that if her mind is made up the sight of a man reduced to that kind of thing is not going to change the situation....

to be honest the breastfeeding at night is more of a comfort thing than for food....she just likes it...

my wife actually teaches breastfeeding as part of her job....she is a great believer in it...

It sounds to me like she is just not that into you. Sorry. Unfortunately a wedding ring does not automatically guarantee true love and happy ever after. Having said that I am interested in your comment about your own mother. You describe her as ‘the mother in law’ which I find strange. Was your wife hoping that you mother might become something of a surrogate mother for herself? Not unreasonable in my opinion? Your wife could, after all, have attempted to seek solace from your own mother but it seems she wants her own family and is confiding in her father’s and sisters. Your wife lost her mother at a very tender age - I wonder how she died?