I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

Bravo Onit !

Onit, I've sent you a PM.

Strength onit. And sending lots of love

Best of luck with the court and judge onit.
We’re all rooting for you.
Hope it all goes well.

Got your pm’s but my phone won’t let me send replies
I’ll try again later.
Thank you for everything.

Mrs Pavs post at 13.44 is spot on. That's exactly what i believe will happen. It's hard not to tie yourself up in knots Onit, but hopefully it will all soon be over and you can breathe easier. Im glad you are getting RL support. I'll be thinking of you over the coming days xx

Hugs for you Onit.

Multiple MNetters thinking of you each day as you rise to your challenges to move you & your DC in to your bright new life.

Should you falter or stumble, you have the biggest softest cloud of MN goodwill & support to fall back on.

Gin or Gladioli- the choice is yours.

I had a really crap morning with the dc today.
I was not a good mum.
I was a shouty, door slamming, crying mess.
My dc deserve better than me.

I went to WA this afternoon. I left them with a friend who was also having a mare of a day with her ds so it made me feel slightly better.
I chatted with the lady there and she was very nice. Explained that their service is so underfunded that they can’t offer outreach services at the moment, only refuge and emergency care.
She did listen though and gave me details of a local authority run service for domestic and sexual abuse.
She suggested they might have advocacy services as well but usually for those women who have reported their exes and are going to court.
She gave me the number of the police liaison officers.
I told her I wasn’t going to report him. I’ve no evidence. No dates. Nothing.
I feel like a fraud. She told me what he did was criminal. I feel flattened.
I used a lot of strength to make that call. To go into that place and tell a stranger.
And I need to do it all again.
I’ll tell my lawyer I spoke to her and where she’s advised I go next.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do.
It’s really irrelevant for court. They’re not interested in his treatment of me. And I’m not ready to deal with it.
It’s why I’m so terrified of being in there.
I can’t trust myself to do all I can for my dc when I’m going to be fighting the urge to run away.
I have so much I want to prepare in case the sheriff asks me a question but I honestly have no idea what my reaction will be, having to speak, even indirectly, with him in the room.
I don’t feel in control of myself at the moment and I’m so, so worried he’ll break me completely.
This is his ultimate control.
He’s using the system to force me into face to face contact. It’s just more abuse.
I’ve spent 2 years trying to get my head round everything and I’m no further forward. In fact, I’m more frightened of him now than I’ve ever been.
I was never scared when we were together.
Why now?
I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense. My head is all over the place.
I’ve got 4 days to man the fuck up

You weren't scared because you were in denial? Or because it was familiar to you, and it's only since you got away you can see the horror?

Can you go through with your cousin the worst things he can say or do in court and prepare for them in your head? Kind of plan your reactions and face the worst case scenario.

Also is there any way you could get an anti anxiety med like Xanax or similar, just for the hearing. If not that, something like rescue remedy (never found this any good myself but other people do). I've been so anxious having to face a certain person I had V&D so GP prescribed Xanax. It helped a bit but didn't make me sleepy or anything.

Sorry to not be of any more use. I think you're doing brilliantly.

Just caught up with you, Onit. You have been so brave with the solicitor and WA. You will be the same in court and you will shine as a genuine, honest, loving person. Just a thought on WA- would you consider trying another county?- there seems to be different levels of support in different areas. They will really help you through the fog. Remember you are not foolish- you are a kind,generous, giving, loving person- and you happened to have the misfortune to meet a narcissistic psychopath who saw all those positive things in you and used you for their source of narcissistic supply. It is because you have so many wonderful attributes that he targeted you and due to your forgiving and tolerant nature that you kept trying to make it work with him for so long. If FP is still a step too far for you, perhaps YouTube videos on surviving narcissistic abuse could help? I also highly recommend the book "psychopath free". Please be kind to yourself and try to see yourself as we do.

You weren't scared then because you probably didn't realise it wasnt the norm. That's how they get in your head.

You aren't a crap mum. If everyone who shouted at their kids was a crap mum then no one would be a good one. You are under a huge amount of stress, go easy on yourself.

How long will you be in court? No more than an hour? You can get through an hour onit-you are very strong-much more than you think. Plus yours is the more rational argument re the kids. Focus on that. You don't need anymore than that really. He can do nothing to you in that room apart from talk and that you can drown out. You can do this-and just visualise how much happier you will feel when it's over.

I wish I could come and be with you. We will all be there in spirit.

Onit I am so sorry to hear that WA in your area don’t have an outreach problem. I didn’t realise that different ones had more limited resources. I completely understand the feeling of being more scared of your ex that when together since that’s exactly how I feel. I am now absolutely terrified of him and what he is going to do or say next. Looking back on my relationship I now identify times where I was definitely uncomfortable when things he was doing or saying but if I said anything I was made to feel like I was in the wrong for feeling that way and so accepted that I was unreasonable. But I now see that is how they work and it can be so subtle at times. I suspect that applies to you too. I am convinced our ex’s are somehow related (so much so I am now anticipating mine to raise a court action since he seems to follow the same pattern as your ex).

Just to reassure you I too shout at the kids and it is definitely worse when I am stressed, tired etc. It’s so difficult not to let everything going on not affect everyday life.

Definitely worth seeing GP for something to keep you calm in the day, beta blockers or the other meds mentioned may be of use.

It’s easy for strangers on MN to say that you will be fine but you will feel overwhelmed and scared for the court day. But I believe you will get through it. You have your lawyer there to support you (that’s what you are paying him for after all). You have come so far and have done it all with so much dignity and strength so try to focus on this as being another small step forward.

Onit, I think it’s late too late to be taking any new medication so close to the court date.

You don’t know how you’ll react to it and whilst there’s a good chance you’d be fine there’s also a good chance you wouldn’t be. It happened to me with beta blockers and if I’d been going in to a court room feeling the way I was on them I’d have been no use to man nor beast.

Granted you may have tried them before and know you’d be ok and that’s great.

I have been in a similar situation. In fact it was quicker than I expected and nearly all of the talking done by legal folk and the Sheriff. You are paying your layer to represent your interests remember.

Have you decided to go with your BF ?

And so well done for telling your story to WA. It's not surprising you are feeling as you do. You are a recovering abuse victim. What he did was criminal as WA have confirmed. I hope you are able to tell your lawyer this, and possibly follow up the suggestions. It may be thete are some self support groups you could drop in on

Freedom Programme can really help in the longer term. Even if you have to do it online. Even viewing the little videos online is helpful. You have come so far. KOKO.

Yes to not taking new meds now. Anything new done that line can potentially spin you out for days. You don't need that just now.

I’m not sure what’s happening with my phone but I can’t reply to any pm’s that have been sent.
I want you all to know I appreciate the advice, the shared experiences, the time you’re taking to r
It’s too late to keep trying r
I’ll be back tomorrow.
Finally tired so I’m going to try to get some shut eye.
Thank you

I hope you managed to rest Onit.
I agree, you may not have to speak at all. Can you ask your lawyer what will actually be expected of you? Tell him you fear breaking down that LCB will also try the water works, & manipulate.

I think I was saying i was trying to reply
Obviously more tired than I realised.

My lawyer didn’t say much but I’m upset by finding out that this is going to drag on at least another few months if the sheriff makes any kind of interim order.
He/she might suggest mediation but I explained to my lawyer that I’d done that before after being forced into it.
And all he’d cared about was introducing his girlfriend and getting more of the summer holidays.
I’ve basically left it too late to say anything about how he treated me at this point.
There’s no record of it, he’s not even aware.
He thinks I should put my hurt feelings aside so he can talk face to face.
I never said why I stopped. I just stopped agreeing to meetings.
I’m not sure if mediation would have made him aware of my reasons for only agreeing to shuttle. And even if they did at that point I was still just dealing with the bullying and intimidation post split.
I hadn’t admitted his behaviour during our marriage to myself far less anyone else.

That’s where I’ve let the dc down.
The last at WA asked if the dc has witnessed anything and they didn’t. And because of that I felt it was ok not to face it. That I had time to deal with everything else before facing it.
But, if I’d reported it even 6 months ago...

I’m so sure he’s going to manipulate them. I need to be prepared for everything he might throw at me.
And I need to get my head round this lasting through the autumn and not being over this month.

When I say he’s not aware and he thinks I mean lcb not my lawyer.

Onit, sorry you are getting so enmeshed in this. If they say their should be mediation, Lawyer must retort that mediation is not effective or advised where there is domestic abuse.
There is no need for mediation, LCB already has them quasi 50% of the time, this is NOT about the DC, this is continuing punishment for you.
He is trying to do anything he can to hurt you.
Stop being afraid, start being Mama bear, fight with anger, not terror

Things have been really difficult.
I haven’t been in touch with my counsellor as I’ve either had the dc or been at work.

Had a couple of panic attacks over the weekend with the bf.
He’s so patient with me.
I did make it into work both days though and I’m proud of myself for that.
Had a few tears there too on and off but held it together pretty well.
Though if another person told me I looked tired...
I actually look awful. Not tired. Awful.
My colleagues are pretty good though so I was able to chat a bit about tomorrow.

I’ve booked a taxi for me and my dsis to get to the court tomorrow. Parking is a nightmare and I’m not sure driving is a good idea.

I feel like I need to plan and prepare but I’m not sure what I want to do.
I will sort out clothes at least.
I managed to find a pair of shoes for less than a fiver last week and I have a dress which hopefully will be ok.
I’m not sure I have tights but I guess they’re not mandatory (and probably a bad idea in this weather).

If anyone has any amazing tips or advice for tonight and tomorrow, I’d be very happy to hear it.
I’m trying to de stress in the bath but it’s not happening.
Maybe gin would work better. Just the one though.

I just want tomorrow over so I have an idea of what will eventually happen.
I feel like I’m having an out of body experience.
I feel detached from everything.
It’s not real.
It’s not true.

I haven't posted on any of your threads but have read them all. Just wanted to say I will be thinking of you and sending you a big hug 🤗

Thank you pinkmilk

Good luck. Try not to overthink. This is going to be over quicker than you think I expect. Stay calm, take deep breaths, don't give him the power he doesn't have any more.

All the other things you can deal with afterwards. I find it helpful myself to actually say to myself I am not going to think about .... today/ on Wednesday etc . I will think about it .... It helps me to focus on what I actually need to do or think about. Will be thinking about you. Be strong!