Am I a “slut”?

[SShaming]

NC because I’m a regular MNer and don’t want people to know!

I have been single for the first time in over a decade.

This past year has been filled with dates, almost relationships and generally testing the waters again.

One of my dating partners turned into a FWB. And recently I met someone who is lovely but a lot younger than me and so I have zero expectations of it turning into anything serious.

I am having no strings sex with both men. Not exactly regularly with either but enough for me to feel that my sex drive is being satisfied.

Neither men have asked to be exclusive and I have been completely upfront that I’m just having fun after a difficult LTR.

However, I told my sister about it and she was really shocked and asked whether I was worried about being a slut!

I was annoyed by her use of language but at the same time wondered if there is something in what she is saying.

dogfish1 I quite agree. The idea that being a man excuses promiscuity or is even a cause to celebrate it is not one I have come across in my personal group of friends. (I have come across it in larger group gatherings, but it’s a good measure of whether I want to become good friends with that person!)

However I must also confess that most of us have enough respect to keep our sexual business private - it seems disrespectful to discuss your sexual encounters with anyone really when it was a private and intimate act between the people involved. There are many more interesting things to discuss than someone else’s sexual activity.

Interestingly, I checked out the definition of sleazeball, and it isn’t actually gender specific.

sleazeball
a disreputable, disgusting, or despicable person (also used as a general term of abuse).

Although I do agree that it isn’t a word that I would automatically associate with being used against a woman.

No, she wasn’t joking Sandy but I think as both she and I pretty much settled down with our first serious boyfriend (second in my case) this is a bit of a revelation that we are now going down different paths.

She must be extremely conservative and inhibited. I don't know in what universe 4 sexual partners could warrant what she said. In fact it's a pretty low number.

I would have been very offended by that. I'd go as far as to say it would most likely damage our relationship... and I certainly wouldn't be telling her about my love life going forwards.

She must be extremely conservative and inhibited. I don't know in what universe 4 sexual partners could warrant what she said. In fact it's a pretty low number.

But 7, as in your previous example, could warrant the label of ‘slut’? You make out that you are some kind of relationship counsellor, is that correct? If so, you need to take a good look at your internal judgements of female sexual behaviour.

The only people who use the term ‘slut’ are those who are threatened by female sexuality.

I’m not having a threesome although so what if I were, if everyone is a consenting adult?

All the ingredients are there OP, why not?

I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot if the guy would be accused of being a player ( presumably this would be considered a missogynistic term too?).

FWIW, I don’t subscribe to ladies being sluts. You're entitled to live your life as you see fit. Hopefully you’ll do that with courage and integrity. More power to you sista.

Player wouldn’t be considered misogynistic because it can be applied to both men and women. It seems to imply that the person is having sex for sport/as a game instead of in pursuit of a relationship. It’s not inherently negative.

Your sister sounds charming.
Ignore her. You aren't doing anything wrong.
Also, I don't have a problem with the word "slut" as I personally have no shame about having multiple partners and enjoying casual sex and I don't have a problem with other women who do either.

I think it's a word that needs to be reclaimed like "queer".

This is an interesting article about the notion of reclaiming the word:

Only when we have some degree of certainty that most people would agree that slut is a dangerous epithet can we begin taking back the word and making it ours.

www.slate.com/blogs/lexicon_valley/2015/02/04/slut_why_we_shouldn_t_reclaim_this_word_despite_slutwalk_slut_pride_rock.html

No such thing as a slut. You do you!

Hi OP. Your sister can call you and judge you all she wants. What matters is what you think.

You are I guess having casual sex with multiple men. As long as none of them is under the impression they are exclusive.

I myself can't phathom having doing an intimate act like sex with someone I have zero feelings for. But that's just me I guess.

nooooooooo!!!!
I'm in the same position but it is one guy been on so many fates though since my relationship failed last year it's gun dating

I can't fathom having sex with someone I had zero feelings for

What if you quite liked them as a person and thought they were sexy as hell, but didn't want a partner?

In my first post I just said there is no such thing as a slut. I stand by that. I'd like to add that it is easier to enjoy an adventurous private life if you don't tell others about it.

I can't fathom having sex with someone I had zero feelings for

Who said anything about zero feelings, judgy mcjudgy? It’s not like I’m having sex like a robot or just going through the motions. I genuinely like and fancy them both. I just don’t want to get too involved that’s all.

It's not something I've done - but I can imagine it's quite nice having plenty of dates rather than living together and all the problems that brings! Men are more sexy when your aren't washing their pants and ironing their shirts!
You make time for each other for the fun stuff instead of the drudge.

Good luck to you!

I'm single & I feel quite envious of you OP because I wish I had your confidence!

I just feel too unattractive to even sleep with one man :(

On a related tangent, I saw a documentary in which a young woman in Isreal was campaigning about womens' rights and a nearby older man, dressed in traditional Hassidic I think garb, caller her a slut .. to which, being a very young woman, she replied 'I'm not a slut' and welled up with tears.

Says it all about the word slut really.

Back on your sister; she sounds 'conservative' (nice word for it); do what you like as long as you protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy and std's; you're allowed your sexuality, we've been denied it for too long due to men wanting control of it and brain-washed women going along with that.

I can't fathom having sex with someone I had zero feelings

Well I most certainly can.
But it's the feelings I catch as a result of having sex with them that cause me the bother; bloody oxytocin

Hi OP, I dont think I am judging.. --> "Who said anything about zero feelings".

What makes you think they have feelings for you?

Eh? Come again? or not

Again, who said anything about them having feelings for me?

Although I do think they both like and fancy me which is reciprocated. I’m friends with them both and both of them know that I’m not interested in a serious relationship. And I’m pretty sure that neither are they. One is messed up and perhaps rebounding a bit from a previous relationship and so in a similar to me. The other is a much younger man and definitely not interested in settling down.

merville

Just read your previous lecture post Not.

I agree with you about the use of words like slut and prude being derogatory towards women. So what’s with the pontification?

Have you actually told both of them that you are regularly sleeping with someone else? If you have, and they don't mind or care then I'd say good luck to all of you. But if you just think they won't care because they / you don't want a serious relationship, then I think you run the risk of your partners feeling pretty hurt.

Lol I really don't think the op needs to worry. Despite what mn says all men I know in real life would be thrilled at a woman wanting no strings sex without a relationship.

There's no such thing as a 'slut'. It's just a word the patriarchy created to control women and their sexuality.

I get sucked into Love Island every year (sad I know) but last year what struck me was that one of the female contestants was harshly judged by the others for admitting she had sex with two men in one night. And then one of the guys had had a fivesome and nobody batted can eyelid.