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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I a “slut”?

127 replies

SShaming · 02/04/2018 16:51

NC because I’m a regular MNer and don’t want people to know!

I have been single for the first time in over a decade.

This past year has been filled with dates, almost relationships and generally testing the waters again.

One of my dating partners turned into a FWB. And recently I met someone who is lovely but a lot younger than me and so I have zero expectations of it turning into anything serious.

I am having no strings sex with both men. Not exactly regularly with either but enough for me to feel that my sex drive is being satisfied.

Neither men have asked to be exclusive and I have been completely upfront that I’m just having fun after a difficult LTR.

However, I told my sister about it and she was really shocked and asked whether I was worried about being a slut!

I was annoyed by her use of language but at the same time wondered if there is something in what she is saying.

OP posts:
peanut2017 · 02/04/2018 21:25

Hate that word. Once you are enjoying yourself and using protection it's nobody's business. Enjoy 😉

Helpmeplan · 02/04/2018 21:29

Horrid word. You can do what you like. At least you're being honest and careful.

SandyY2K · 02/04/2018 21:49

I think the word is often used in the wrong circumstances.. like in a sentence.

NotTakenUsername

I disagree.

It's warranted at times IMO... but not in the OPs case. I spoke with a guy whose wife had slept with 7 men within 10 months of them being married..... that's not expressing sexual freedom to me.

NotTakenUsername · 02/04/2018 21:51

Meh. So what do we call the man who sleeps with 7 women within 10 months of being married?

Original poster
SShaming · 02/04/2018 21:59

That doesn’t make her a slut though, Sandy. A cheat, or adulterous spouse. But slut? Really?

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 02/04/2018 22:04

SShaming that is precisely my point. Any name they would give to a man behaving this way would not be gender specific and could be used for the wife in this scenario too. Therefore the use of the word slut is always unnecessary and misogynistic.

Original poster
SShaming · 02/04/2018 22:26

Yes, Not, I agree with your point 100%.

Also, I found the need to justify myself to my sister by pointing out that I had been in a monogamous relationship for over a decade and prior to that, had had 1 sexual partner. So all in all, I’ve only actually had four sexual partners my whole life so far.

But why did I feel the need to point that out?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 02/04/2018 22:35

I'd say it makes her promiscuous. Slut isn't a word I use .... but I couldn't really disagree with the guy who labelled his wife as such..... Especially as she continued sleeping around after the 7.

Sadly there isn't a male equivalent of the word for men.. but I've heard people say male whore. In my experience the preference is to say their sex addicts ... could be genuine...could be a cop out.

Women (I'm not saying this is right) are held to a higher moral standard than men in almost all areas of life... this is no exception.

Both males and females can be promiscuous. .. but that's an individual choice and it's their own business...as long as they arent harming anyone else.

I can't imagine saying what your sister did to my sister or any other woman I know. Was she really serious though?

Ryder63 · 02/04/2018 22:36

But why did I feel the need to point that out?

Because the belief persists that 'decent' women should not like sex. Especially with multiple partners. I think it's ingrained subconsciously.

Bollocks of course. Your set up sounds a good one for your current needs Easter Grin

Ginkypig · 02/04/2018 22:44

Well to put it into perspective ss I have had more sexual partners than that and I have been in a monogamous faithful long term relationship since I was 18! So I must have been a massive slut if your sister is anything to go by!

Enjoy yourself and be safe both physically and emotionally.

Stop justifying things to your sister because you have done nothing wrong just very calmly but clearly tell her that her judgment is not appreciated and you won't tolerate it. She is within her rights to not want to hear about it though, so you know mutual respect and all that.

NotTakenUsername · 02/04/2018 22:49

Sandy I’m not sure if you realise it but you are being very “wishy washy” with your posts.

First you felt it was warranted in your friends context, then you couldn’t really disagree...

Women are held to a higher moral standard than men in almost all areas of life because people are unwilling to stand up to ingrained misogyny that is in the very fibres of this rich patriarchy that masquerades as an equal society.

If you’re not saying it’s right then I presume you think it is wrong and as such should stand up and call out any casual misogyny whenever you identify it.

You could start by objecting to the word slut.

forumdonkey · 02/04/2018 22:53

Life is too short and having too many friends my age have their lives cut off, enjoy every second of it. Whether it be two men or more, separately or together, who cares so long as everyone is happy and safe. Fill your boots lady and have lots of fun. Grin

Original poster
SShaming · 02/04/2018 22:53

Och, my sister will get over it! We’re actually very close which is why I answered her honestly when she asked if I was seeing anyone. No, she wasn’t joking Sandy but I think as both she and I pretty much settled down with our first serious boyfriend (second in my case) this is a bit of a revelation that we are now going down different paths. And that will take a little bit of time to settle into I think, but we’ll get there I have never doubt. Meanwhile I’ll tell her to stop with the slut shaming, all the while hoiking up my bosoms whilst clutching my pearl necklace at her very daring to use such a misogynistic term! Smile

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 02/04/2018 22:58

Wow. You can be part of the problem or part of the solution I suppose. Glad you got the validation you felt you needed.

thebewilderness · 02/04/2018 23:06

There is no such thing as a slut.
It is just one of the many pejoratives we use to hold women to unrealistic standards of behavior. See also prude, for the opposite extreme.

Original poster
SShaming · 02/04/2018 23:34

What do you mean Not?

I loathe misogyny and am going to tackle it with my DS. It’s just that we come from a particularly patriarchal culture and so a little humour will go a long way with her, rather than coming down hard like a ton of bricks.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 03/04/2018 05:58

You are a grown woman with a sex drive and a sex life, and you’ve taken control of both, and you’re living your life the way you want to (I’m coming over all Beyoncé here!). It is completely normal. You are not a slut - she is a prude.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 03/04/2018 06:40

Well, different people have different views of things. Myself personally, i believe there has to be love and comittment for there to be sex, as it is literally the most physically intimate you can be with a person. I also feel kissing is an intimate thing and would have to have genuine serious feelings for someone and want to be in a relationship with them and that be actually in the stages of happening to kiss them.
I 100% do not understand or agree with casual sex, or even short term relationships when you KNOW it is going to be short term (E.g, only being in a city for a few months on a job placement and starting seeing someone when it would be incredibly difficult/unlikely to work out long term) or how anyone can actually do it.
It is how i feel, i can't help that, so admittedly yes, i do judge those who do go out and have casual sex, be it one night stands or friends with benefits, especially with more than one person. If your sister also thinks/feels similarly about sex then that doesn't make her "wrong". It is actually just as valid a way to feel, just because it isn't the same way of thinking as yours, doesn't make it wrong or bad etc. To be clear, this is NOT a female specific thing, i feel the same about men who behave like this as i do women. And to the line "i have needs" to justify it, well, there is masturbation for that!

You haven't actually made it clear here if both of these men actually know you're sleeping with someone else semi regularly too. You say neither has asked to be "exclusive" but that's not the same as actually telling them that there is a second "friend with benefits" on the scene. They might be ok with you having one night stands with other people or going on dates, but feel very differently about there being another "regular" guy you're seeing multiple times.

timeforabrewnow · 03/04/2018 06:49

I agree with Jill and I don't think 'friends with benefits' is great.

It may well end in tears - either for you or your men 'friends'.

I don't think your sister's views are that strange or pearl clutching.

Addictedtohavingbabies · 03/04/2018 07:18

The sister isn't a prude, she just has different feelings about it. Casual sex is not for everyone.
I've had it in the past, look back and regret most of it and can't imagine ever wanting it again. That stage of my life has passed and I do look back and judge myself. There is something that feels cold and heartless about casual sex.

NotTakenUsername · 03/04/2018 07:28

  1. she wasn’t ‘slut shaming’. She was worried about you and your reputation because she loves you. If you want to stamp out misogyny have a chat with her about why the use of the word is a tell tale sign of ingrained misogyny. Slut should have no place in the vocabulary of someone who loathes misogyny.

  2. pearl clutching is not at all used in the context you have. Again it is a misogynist term used against women to imply ‘prudishness’. Again - prude is derogatory. What do you call a male prude?

  3. I don’t know why you need to hoik up your bosoms but unless you have a bra issue (in which case the style and beauty boards are really supportive) I don’t understand the relevance.

  4. You are not a slut nor is she a prude because both derogatory terms are social constructs used to control women and make them behave in a sexual way that suits their role for men in society.

  5. I love a bit of humour, I do. But this sort of thing isn’t funny. It really isn’t. And I don’t understand the reluctance to call out this ‘low level’ misogyny in a real and meaningful way. It is a serious issue, and it spreads through society like a cancer unless we cut it out.

ClaryFray · 03/04/2018 07:29

Meh.

Your an adult, you have needs, your doing nothing wrong. Ignore her.

Addy2 · 03/04/2018 07:35

Slut is a horrible word used to control female sexuality through shame.

^ this if you were a man you'd be labelled a player and applauded by your social group. The double standard infuriates me, as does the fact that women like your sister embrace it so much. We don't need men to oppress, judge and shame if women will do it ourselves.

Wadingthroughshit · 03/04/2018 07:44

You’re not a slut...be safe and have fun. I’d just say be upfront if you see two or more regularly. When friends or I go through these moments I always think of it as a blow out!

dogfish1 · 03/04/2018 09:49

Addy2: if you were a man you'd be labelled a player and applauded by your social group: this doesn't represent most of the men in my social group,where a guy sleeping with two different women would be labelled a cheat unless they both knew about it, in which case it would be tolerated but not applauded. The idea that men all celebrate and encourage this kind of behaviour in each other is tosh. There are male-specific derogatory terms in this area (e.g. sleazeball) and in many others.