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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is DH making a fool of me?

151 replies

Raspberry21 · 01/04/2018 16:18

My DH runs a business with another woman and they get on really well together. Because of the nature of the business, they are together most of the day and during the evening they're together entertaining clients. I hardly see him. I'm feeling very left out and jealous of the time he and the woman spend together. I've never met her. This has been going on for 5 months and I told him this weekend how miserable I am and the feelings of jealousy I've been suffering. He said he understood and that he loves me yet today, Easter Sunday, he's gone out to meet her to do some work in a local cafe.

I'm so upset. I think I want to leave him as I feel he's making a fool of me. Should I be more patient and stay or show some self-respect and go?

OP posts:
Quietlife1979 · 02/04/2018 22:56

he Could, if he wanted to put your fears at rest. He chooses not too.

We have our own business and dh has been in work all Easter, however in your case I’d be starting to ask myself why am
I purposely ignoring my instincts.

He is hiding you on facebook

Mrsramsayscat · 02/04/2018 23:36

What is he offering, exactly?

AnyFucker · 03/04/2018 00:13

Op, what is he actually going to do ?

Khaleesi0 · 03/04/2018 03:23

Just adding my viewpoint on this...

I started a business and was doing well for a year when I decided to take on a business partner to pick up some of the workload. He was someone I'd worked with in the past so I knew we'd work well together.

I met his partner when we had a meeting to discuss all the terms etc and he met my partner. There was no secrecy, we never had any meetings that our partners didn't know about and we always made sure we spent any bank holidays with our partners.

The facts that he doesn't want you to meet her and he won't add you on Facebook are highly suspicious.

uhoh2016 · 03/04/2018 05:00

If he had gone into business with a man and spent this much time away would you be as concerned?

You've been together a long time has cheated in the past or have you had suspicions?
5 months into a new business id definatley say needs the extra hours putting in to establish the business and make it a success. Presumably he's set up this business for you and your dc. As for you meeting who he works with why would you? If he was an employee in a company would you insist on meeting everyone he works with? Do you work OP?
Your being quite evasive, PP are asking questions that your not answering 🤔

daisychain01 · 03/04/2018 06:35

Presumably he's set up this business for you and your dc. As for you meeting who he works with why would you? If he was an employee in a company would you insist on meeting everyone he works with?

If the DH was employed in a company, he wouldn't be working 7 days a week including all public holidays with no break in the first few months.

If it was a bona fide business venture "set up for the
OP and their DC" he would talk to the OP about what the business was and what he was up to 7 days a week.

Fact is he's sneaking around, keeping the OP in the dark, checking out of family life and the 3 DC he's helped create.

And now to top it all, he's giving the OP platitudes but not actually committing to change anything.

Not good enough.

Zero out of 10 for effort.

Personalsituations99 · 03/04/2018 06:56

uhoh2016
You wouldn't want to meet a man or woman your partner will be spending a big part of their life with? That to me is extremely ODD!

uhoh2016 · 03/04/2018 08:03

I work along side a man i spend more time with him than my husband. Does My dh want to meet him? Does my work colleagues DW want to meet me? NO. Whether it's his own business or someone else's it's still work.
I'm as confused as anyone else over the Facebook thing tho that is strange.
I just think OP needs to be 100% of an affair before leaving him cos if he's not and he's simply been working his socks off to provide a nice life for his family then what happens how does the relationship go from there. Unfortunately running own business means it's not mon-fri 9-5, if he doesn't put the work in then he doesn't paid. I'm very surprised OP thought it would be especially at the start of a new business.

Personalsituations99 · 03/04/2018 08:18

Me and my partner would both meet each other's business partners. But thats just how we work. I suppose everyone is different. However the secrecy and Facebook is what's concerning me more. I have only met a handful of DF work colleagues but only because I shop where he works and he'll introduce me and his child. That's more of a pride thing though ha! He's met alot of my work colleagues because they are also good friends and we regularly go out together. Besides I practically work in an all girls environment. He works in a mix. Which doesn't bother me in the slightest. Female colleagues give him lifts ect. But then there is no secrecy In our relationship so that's where I have a problem with this post.
I find it odd he won't add her on Facebook and refuses to introduce her. Even if it's not nessacery he could atleast put her mind at ease. I get he has to work long hours.
I work 12 hour shifts. Nights, weekends, even Christmas sometimes. HOWEVER having your own business does atleast give flexibility so he could have spent Easter with his family instead of making her feel insecure or even compromised 50/50.

weehedgehog · 03/04/2018 08:20

sorry UHOH2016, that's a load of bollocks, and in fact the perfect cover for an affair (and how my 'D'H covered himself as he kept telling me 'she is making us lots of money', for instance, when she called at 11pm on our wedding anniversary).
Yes, there are long hours involved. But what the OP's husband doing isn't just that. the OP HAS asked to meet her, to have him as a FB friend etc. She is very distressed by the whole situation and he doesn't care. This has nothing to do with the hours involved in setting up a business to make it successful.

RidingWindhorses · 03/04/2018 08:28

So when are you meeting her, when are you added on Facebook?

debbs77 · 03/04/2018 08:29

This is shocking behaviour. He must be feeling pretty smug that he managed to placate you so easily

juliej00ls · 03/04/2018 08:41

OP he may just be a singleminded fool who is enjoying is own thing whilst wifey does all the grunt work at home. It may be more sinister. I would focus on big picture stuff your own finical security being one. He is a secretive person. What exactly is the position with his business. Secondly I would elevate my needs, it’s not about “fair” rather shifting the mindset from wifey /maid is here all the time. As someone pointed out 3 children will slow him down let him do your role more often. Book a weekend away every couple of months even if you just stay at your mums sign up for book club or gym. Assert yourself.

uhoh2016 · 03/04/2018 08:46

Wee- I'm not saying he's NOT having an affair but it's as equally possible either way she just needs to be sure 1st

uhoh2016 · 03/04/2018 08:47

And if the 2 did meet it still doesn't mean he's not shagging her

Clutterbugsmum · 03/04/2018 08:50

So the minute you tell him to mind his own business and that you and dc's aren't going to sit and wait for him to grant you some of his 'time' he suddenly wants to change.

I call BS on this, if he had any feelings or kindness in him then he would have fully included you in both his new business and relationship with this women.

Right he said he going to change, you need to find what he going to do. Is he going to give you free reign to look through his conversations with her on phone, E mail and facebook (and with full access to what they are posting). And not after they have sanitised the conversations.

How is he going to change his behaviour at home towards you, DC's and home.

Words mean nothing action speak so much louder words, and over a long period of time and not just 5 minutes from now.

timeisnotaline · 03/04/2018 10:07

Adding you on fb would take minutes. He may be considering it but needs the time to change his settings clean his timeline etc.

Mix56 · 03/04/2018 22:02

You need to make demands, (not just what to se if it improves) like meeting this woman, & seeing his phone NOW). if he refuses, say its not good enough. his secrecy can only mean one thing, & you are not sitting around waiting for him to tell you down the line that he is dumping you for her.
So either he starts treating you as a wife, a partner also, & an equal.
He can fuck the fuck off & live happily ever after with this woman.
& mean it

ToBeyoncesLeftLove · 04/04/2018 08:45

What did he do?
I'm guessing made a few cups of tea and a few bunches of token flowers and then got a plan in action to be more secretive by the sounds of things.

Feel very sorry for the OP Sad

LiteraryDevil · 04/04/2018 09:21

Why does the OP always disappear so there's never any conclusion to things?

ToBeyoncesLeftLove · 04/04/2018 09:38

Perhaps her head space is being taken up getting her ducks in a row and sobbing-

Updating a thread might not be her top priority?

magicstar1 · 04/04/2018 10:13

It's not a novel with a nice neat ending Literary...it's her life!

LiteraryDevil · 04/04/2018 10:36

Sorry, should have phrased it better. What I mean is that OPs often disappear ( on many threads) and people wonder and hope that they are ok. OP hope you are ok and there's been some positive changes.

Mynewnameforabit · 04/04/2018 15:22

BTW OP, if you do get back here, please don't tell him you may leave with the DCs, tell him he may have to move out if you feel the relationship has broken down. You and 3 DCs should not be looking for someone to live because of his poor behaviour, your DCs should remain in as stable a home as possible.

peanutbutterbanana1 · 25/04/2018 13:24

Hope your ok OP and things worked out? X