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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/05/2007 07:14

i stayed clam - listened to a lot of things that I had done "wrong" over the years - and agreed with most of them

but also pointed out that there were two people in the relationship and that he had been there two.

He said he wanted to be in a relationship were he came home from work and kissed and hugged his partner hello - my good god - that is all I wanted for years.

Anyway - its all far too late etc etc...

I said tha 50/50 was not fair - as I earn 10k and he earns 6 x that - also I will be havingthe boys with me. He is not really budging on that.

He snot interested in a trial seperation of 6 months or so. I said that at the end of the day he made this decision a LONG time ago but is only just telling me so I am grieving - and he needs to respect that.

Funny thing was that he has been down the pub down the road a few times recently and got chatting to a few young locals (young i mean not 70 year old farts) and as we walked out they said hello and ask to be introduced to me - and said "fucking hell mate - you didn't tell us she was georgeous" - haha ha

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/05/2007 07:23

my friendwas here when we got home and I just desolved - when she left later and I came up to bed he was on the landing - can anyone guess the next bit of the story??

dont want to go in to details but I feel cheap, pathetic and used. Get some self esteem girl

OP posts:
kimi · 16/05/2007 08:02

ISHE, love keep him out of the bedroom and your undercrackers firmly up.

munz · 16/05/2007 08:07

sorry to sound mean but this man is using you because he knows he can - he can have you there for that and also to do things with etc but then live the single life, this isn't fair on you or your DC's.

talk to your solicitor re the split thing, they'll gie you more of an idea of what to expect.

I think he's not going to go lightly and you will need every ounce of fight in you - fight which comes from not giving into him, which comes from not sleeping wiht him. I knwo your greiving honny but ahem.

when's he likely to get the letter? make sure you do get everything official and written down - me thinks he is thinking he'll get around you one way or the other iycwim, and you'll sing to his tune - time to stop that and fight for waht you deserve

sorry if I sound mean.

kimi · 16/05/2007 08:12

here here munz well said.
Ishe, this man is using you, you might think you're making love, but I would bet my house that he thinks he is getting an easy lay.
He is on a power trip, tell him the next time he wants a soulless shag to go pay a hooker.

LilyLoo · 16/05/2007 09:06

Oh ishe he is truly messing with your head isn't he / I completely understand how you are still sleeping with him. Sadly for women sex = love , but for men sex = sex. Please try and resist i know it's hard. I fhe is saying that there is no chance of any reconciliation then don't put yourself through this to build your hopes up as he will let you down again. You really need to get some lageal advice asap as i not really sure he can just demand a 50 / 50 split. It sounds like he has all this planned in his head so maybe a sharp letter of a solicitor might just make him see it's not all black and white esp where dc's are concerned in a split. Poor you i can't believe he isn't prpared to at least give you a few months to work at it. Why did he not say something sooner. Sadly it really does sound as if he is sure of what he wants.

mylittlestar · 16/05/2007 09:09

agree with lilyloo

ishe I hope you're ok xx

Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/05/2007 09:20

I will get there. I will not go down that route again - I need to get some dignity and pride back - I am a nice person, and I am the mother of his SONS.

Told nursery what is going on today as the boys may need some extra support from them and they were lovely.

Gutted as I am he is resolute and I need to respect him on that score. No more dancing round trying to change his mind.

Am hopefully going away this weekend and will let him check out what being a weekend parent by yourself REALLY means.

Also need to find out what I am entitled to benifits wise and go on a housing list?

OP posts:
LilyLoo · 16/05/2007 09:23

oh isnt he , at least this weekend will mean he may have to get to grips with the real world. Not really sure about how you go on getting advice on all that stuff but hopefully someone on here will know or am sure citizens advice can point you in right direction. What have you decided about the house ?

Freckle · 16/05/2007 09:31

I don't think the word respect should be uttered in the same sentence as him. Really.

Where's his respect for you, for your sons, for your family life?

Remember that he has clearly been planning this for some time. He will have checked out what he can and can't do. You need to do the same.

Is there much equity in your house? You may need to make an application to protect a greater share in the name of the children. Don't let him convince you that everything has to be 50/50 because you are not married.

He has made his position clear and he doesn't seem to have included any consideration for you and your boys in that. He knows what he wants and he thinks he's going to get it because you are so desperate to remain together that you will probably acquiesce to everything he demands. So don't. Be strong and remember that you are fighting for your boys' futures as well as your own.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/05/2007 09:35

I know freckle - but I am afraid of it all getting "nasty" about money and also I don't want to take all the money. There is about 110 equity I think.

he has a good relationship with EW now and has said we can have the same if I don't get "silly" about the money.

Am applying to go on the housing register now

OP posts:
bagpus · 16/05/2007 09:40

I am a single mum now. My boyfriend left when i was 7 months pregnant. He said he didnt wnt to be a dad. He is 41 and already has a 15 year old son. i now have a 6 month old daughter who is beautiful. I worry that she will be an only child, that she will be damaged because we are not together. He says its my fault because i want him to be at home instead of going out with his mates.

Freckle · 16/05/2007 09:43

So he's blackmailing you into letting him have as much money as he can get away with.

If you are not "silly", i.e. let him have what he wants, he'll be nice to you in future. What an arse.

Obviously your needs will be greater because you will have the boys to take care of, so you need to make sure that you have enough to do that. Don't let him walk all over you with the carrot of being nice to you in future.

LilyLoo · 16/05/2007 09:45

Agree Freckle although this will be much vetter for the boys if you can remain friends. I really wouldn't discuss the money thing with him but with a professional person. That way you will get what your entitled to as you don't owe him any favours. Remember he chose this path not you and as Freckle said you have to look after the boys interests too.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/05/2007 09:49

well - I have made a decision - I am going to sell the house asap and move in to a rented place - hopefully I will be entitled to some sort of beneifts - but knowing my luck not until all my equity has run out!

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 16/05/2007 09:50

I would tell him that as a single parent it will not be up to you to decide how much money you and your sons will need. A solicitor plus thebenefits agency will instruct you.

Pleasetry not to sleep with you again,he is using this false intimacy to make sure YOU don't turn against him in the same way he has you.

spook · 16/05/2007 09:51

Oh God ihis. I can't believe what I am reading.
Please please don't sleep with him again.
WTF does he think he is doing waiting for you to come to bed when he's just thrown all that shit at you in the pub FFS.
I am so so cross.
If I had slept with my exH after it all kicked off I would have clung to that for weeks thinking he still loved me. He, at least had the decency not to even try.
And don't let him try and tell you what you're entitled to. He has no right-that is down to the courts to decide.
And I can understand you not wanting it to "get nasty" but this is yours and your childrens futures you are dealing with here. It already got nasty when he threw in your face exactly why you are a supposed crap partner and he doesn't want to try and work things out.
What I really want you to do now is take all that hurt and pain you are feeling and try and turn it into anger-only then-when you reach the anger stage can you start to think straight about what he has done and what you need to fight for.
I don't think you're far off from the anger d=stage but I do think you need to get him out of the house so you can deal with this on your own terms and hopefully with the help and support of your freinds and family.
Lots of love.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/05/2007 09:56

I am not at the angry stage yet - but I have accepted it - if thats any better?

Your right I know I know, and I will not go down this line again.

OP posts:
LilyLoo · 16/05/2007 09:58

Are you both going to live there until it's sold then ?

munz · 16/05/2007 09:59

please seek legal advice honney before you do anything. you may not be married but as you have the children you will need to sort out things re them annd money/contact anyhow. don't make any hasty desisions until you have - also if I were you, don't agree to anything re the money situation with H until you've got everything in order. I know you don't want things to be nasty and deep down prob think he'll be honourable etc wiht the kids and give you waht he says but you do need to safeguard your futures and not take it for granted he'll do as he says.

BandofMothers · 16/05/2007 10:02

Aargh don't do it, they wont give you benefits yntil you've used ALL your money.
Have you seen a solicitor???

bagpus · 16/05/2007 10:16

they are right, you must seek legal advice. You need to take back your power and control. You are now fighting for your children. You can have 20 mins free advice with a solicitor. Get a friend or family member to go with you and see lots of them. Find one you like and trust. The CAB will also offer advice. Get armed with information or else he will have the power to manipulate you.

munz · 16/05/2007 10:18

also if you only get 20 mins free, or in any case, when you see hte solicitor, write a list of every thing you want to know before hand and take a pen to write down the things he tells you.,

things like. what are you entitled to, what can you expect re maintance, what do you have to give re visitation. who will have the custody, etc .

mylittlestar · 16/05/2007 10:23

agree with everyone else, don't agree to anything until you have sought legal advice and know everything. don't sell the house yet.

also, go silent with regards to discussing it with H. tell him you are looking into your rights and will discuss the details through your solicitor as and when you're ready.

you owe him nothing. block him out mentally, physically and emotionally for now. deal with everything as and when you're ready.

bagpus · 16/05/2007 10:26

that is good advice. You can't think straight with your emotions flying, which is to his advantage. if you right it down right the answers to, its good to have someone else there to listen who is not so involved. He is trying to blame you for it all and make you keep it nice so he has the power to manipulate and get what he wants. IHe will be nice as long as it goes hiws way. He sounds quite an abusive personality. Try the library for self help books. i am reading 'Women who love too much' and it is making a lot of sense. Also Paul Mckenna @how to mend a broken heart' gives you ways of taking back control. Fight for every penny, his behaviour has shown you that he cannot be trusted.