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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/05/2007 10:31

I have just spoken to my solicitor and she has given me a shake.

She has said its not me trying to take more than half (which is what I am legally entitled to) it is for the boys - he will get it back in 15 years.

She has advised me to find out how of a mortgage I could get.

OP posts:
bagpus · 16/05/2007 10:35

Your boys need you. Go to several places to find out about a mortgage. I bought my ex out. The first mortgage place said no but when i had three others that said yes. You are giving the boys stability by staying in the family house. If he loves his sons then he must want them to feel safe happy and secure. Listen to your solicitor, she is not emotionally involved so will probably have a clearer view of things.

LilyLoo · 16/05/2007 10:42

Well done ishe ! Don't know if you interested but my dp a mortgage advisor so he could help with that one for you if you want. His email is [email protected]. I don't talk to him anout what i do on here so he won't know your background if that bothers you.
Your solicitor is right get as much advice as you can so all the eggs are in your basket !

Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/05/2007 10:44

there is no way that I could buy him out - we only moved there in september - just checked with a mortgage company and they said the max they would lend is £46,000. so 96K for me if I go his way - which will buy me f all round here. 146,000 if I took all the equity would get me bugger all too

OP posts:
munz · 16/05/2007 10:58

any chance you have family who would help to buy him out of th ehosue (along wiht a morgage for you iycwim)

LilyLoo · 16/05/2007 11:00

Maybe you could look into shared ownership houses. You then pay rent on the oher half. Remember you will be getting maintenance off him too to add to your income as well as working tax credit which will go up and i don't think they take maintenance payments into account when they do this.

bagpus · 16/05/2007 11:01

What about the council? could you do a half buy half rent? ask more mortgage companies? Is that all your solicitor says you should get? Get your name on the council list anyway if possible. If you have an isa that doesn't count when getting tax credits, not sure about shares. Look for ways to use your money and claim benefits legally. Contact tax office???

mumto3girls · 16/05/2007 11:42

Yes, but you shouldn't have to move!! Your solicitor did say she would look into that law that allows you to stay in the house with joint ownership until the boys grow up.

Don't make any sudden moves - sit tight and refuse to sell or discuss selling until your solictor has advised you further. He cannot force you and if he were to stop paying for the house he would not want a reposession order to go in HIS name too would he?

ThatBeetroot · 16/05/2007 12:27

lilyloo - yes

You are swtarting to become strong - well done

Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/05/2007 14:18

I am still v v v v v sad but can not change the situation.

I don't want to stay in this house - Its too big for just me and the boys.

Have spoke to ep and he listened! he said that at the end of the day he understood what I was talking about in terms of me being able to afford to buy and said that he is flexible on the equity split. (good of him eh!)

We both need to stop being selfish (particularly him!) and put the boys first. I have printed off the council housing request as I have to be on a list for them to consider shared ownership as I understand it.

Is there anyone on here who is in shared ownership in the camberley area - how does it work? how much does it cost?

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/05/2007 14:20

and more importantly how long does it take

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Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/05/2007 17:04

heeeeeeeeelpppp

I ha now registered with homebuy but their site is fairly confusing and I'm not sure how to search - will I be considered a priority even tho I am not a keyworker?

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/05/2007 19:26

just had the house valued over the phone by the estate agents that sold it to us - he said he would have to cme out (he is tomorrow) but he reckons in th region of 400 - 415 from remembering it and market value increase.

Makes me feel a little more positive that there maybe enough for both of us..... I still know I need more than 50/50

Don't know if anyone else does this but I have started to get paranoid that he will see this thread (although I always dump history) was thinking about a name change and and thread title - as we all know know that he is

DS1 (clever little chap) asked why I was talking to the man about selling the house (flagging ears again) so I just told him that mummy and daddy might decide to live in different houses, but we will loved him and ds2 v v v v much - he cried and sad he didnt want to not live with daddy - he would miss him too much

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 16/05/2007 19:33

He'll be okay, they are very resilient and accepting of these type of circumstances.
Don't worry about that. He would be more unhappy with you two staying together. Just reassure him that he will always see Daddy(providing that is true) and he will visit and sleepover with Daddy.etc
And tell Daddy if he lets him down you'll break his knee caps, and more(GRRRRRR)

WOW about the house. You may have enough to put down a huge deposit and have a low enough mortgage to buy again. Course that depends where you are, but if you move where a 3 bed is about 150- 200, you should be ok.
That must feel good.
Keep being strong.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/05/2007 19:49

there are some cheaper houses - but in awful areas and they will take me away from DS1's school catchement area - he already has his place but what about when I need to apply for DS2 - it i a hugely competitive school to get in to.

The cheapest and nicest that I have seen is 245k.

If I qualify for home buy then I will need 75% for the deposit - so thats what I am going to try and persuade him to give me - without a huge upset and spending shit loads of money on solicitors!

OP posts:
kimi · 16/05/2007 20:47

Ishe, you come across as a nice person, so I have to ask, how did you end up with this piece of shite in the first place???

Take him to the bloody cleaners, I am all for being on good terms with you ex, but he is trying to blackmail you,why would you want to be on good terms with this shitebag?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 17/05/2007 07:14

I went out as soon as he came in from the gym last night and have not got up this am before he went to work.

Only went to my parents place but it was good - mum and dad are being great - My dad puts it like it is. "DD - he is saying you did this you did that to justify himself - he is a shit - even if you are the biggest bitch in the world he obviously doesnt give a shit about those little boys"

M & D have said that they will support me and will not see the boys go without. I have made th decision to go for the cash -which ever way this goes it isnt going to be friendly. Dad said that if he wanted it to be friendly he would take me down the local estate agents and get me to chose a 3 bed house, and not worry about his own finances.

OP posts:
kimi · 17/05/2007 07:53

Glad your parents are being supportive, Listen to them.
Your dad is right your H is a shit.

BandofMothers · 17/05/2007 08:05

Your dad sounds like a decent guy at least (bearing in mind he is still a man)
He makes a good point about your H. If he wanted to be friendly he would be being friendly, so do what you must to set yourself up for the boys. He can still earn enough to buy, you can't. Not without phenomenal child care costs, and I assume you don't want to be working all the hours.

Sounds like you're giving him something to think about by not pandering to him any more.
Good for you

mylittlestar · 17/05/2007 09:03

your dad sounds very wise. glad you've got your parents support xx

Original poster
isheisnthe · 17/05/2007 09:24

I am also going to apply to work f/t here, if in the future I dont want to and can afford not too I can apply for flexible working to do the kids school hours

OP posts:
LazyLine · 17/05/2007 11:51

ISHE, I am not sure if this is any use to you:

I am on the list for shared ownership. You do not have to be on a waiting list for a local authority house. However, you will have a higher priority if you do. There are 3 groups on the list. The highest priority goes to those already in LA housing, then priority 2 goes to those on the waiting list. Priority 3 is everyone else.

Of course it would still make sense to get yourself on the list and this would make you a higher priority. I sent in the application forms, specifying which developments I was interested in. From then on, you get sent information whenever there is a house available, maybe a re-sale property. You can then say if you are interested. I still get these through, even though I am only priority 3.

Once your development in ready, you confirm that you are interested and then you are interviewed.

Good Luck

Original poster
isheisnthe · 17/05/2007 15:27

what I was hoping to do was buy on the open market? would that make any difference to how long it takes?

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 17/05/2007 15:27

oh, can I just say that te 27 year old horny estate agent just asked me out for a drink - ha ha ha

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 17/05/2007 15:37

say yes!!