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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

OP posts:

mylittlestar · 15/05/2007 12:49

ishe, lily's situation is very similar to mine, and 6 months down the line we are back together and trying in our own way to get through this.

what i'm trying to say is that you never know what's just around the corner. whether it's with or without him, something amazing and wonderful that you never thought possible could be just a few steps away.

and as for fast-forwarding this year... i do know that feeling. but just use this time to bond with your children more and more. to add to their childhood memories and your memories of motherhood bit by bit. then when you all look back on this year you'll know that you, their mum, gave them all the love and support they ever needed and they (unknowingly) gave you that all of that back in return.

Original poster

isheisnthe · 15/05/2007 12:51

MLS - did your husband move out? I will do what you said about the boys, they are great little kids and they are mine - no one can ever love you like a child can they!

OP posts:

mylittlestar · 15/05/2007 13:03

yes he moved out last december and has only been back a couple of weeks

once I knew the 'full' truth of the affair he let his guard down and wanted to come back and sort things out

you're right about the children

Original poster

isheisnthe · 15/05/2007 13:07

thats what I want him to do, have some space and lets see how he feels in a few months - rather than going hell for leather selling the house, splitting the equity, arguing over money etc.

I know he is unhappy but push comes to shove he really needs to prioritise things and put the boys before himself

OP posts:

mylittlestar · 15/05/2007 13:22

you're exactly right. but he won't see this at the moment. i begged dh for another chance. then went down the angry route, pointing out how he's a grown man with resposibilities who's made his own choices in life etc etc etc then went down the route of getting on with my life, new haircut and clothes, nights out with the girls...
nothing made any difference whatsoever. nothing. the problems were in his head and he came back when he was ready

that's why you should do exactly what you say and stay put in the house, keep things stable and be the fantastic mum that you are. don't rise to him. don't give him the satisfaction. know your rights and stay calm and rational as much as possible.

then in a few months, when he's realised what he's done, he may come back. but at the same time, by then, you may not want him!

Original poster

isheisnthe · 15/05/2007 13:27

trouble is - if he stops paying for the bills and mortgage I am screwed

OP posts:

mylittlestar · 15/05/2007 13:31

I guess the best you could try at this point then is to ask him for 6 months in the house so that you can get your head round what he's doing to you and come to terms with it, whilst keeping the boys stable and secure.

That's not too much to ask is it. Unless he's a real twunt I would guess he realises he owes you at least that much.

Not sure if you work already, but if not could you use that time to get a (new/better paid) job, perhaps look for a smaller place that you can afford alone etc etc. At least it would buy you some time and you could get some control back.

Original poster

isheisnthe · 15/05/2007 13:37

I do work P/T and get reduced nursery fees (NHS) - it is quite well paid and I would be reluctant realy to increase my hours while the boys are going to be needing me more than ever. However, it would give me time to apply for all the benefits that I hopefully will be entitled to, and go on a housing list and also shared housing, owning 1/2 and 1/2 could be an option

OP posts:

mylittlestar · 15/05/2007 13:42

you're obviously thinking all this through rationally and know what options you may have and what you are and are not prepared to do. that's great. now hopefully he can give you the time you deserve to work through all this.
(and the time he needs himself to get his head straight!)

LilyLoo · 15/05/2007 14:57

isn't he. Well if you can forgive him for what you know then you need to try and make him see that it makes more sense for you to saty in the house whilst he sorts his head out. Obv you need him to contribute to the bills etc so you really need to get him to see your side. He really does need to be honest with you. The counselling would be helpful if he would be prepared to go. Where is he staying now ?

Original poster

isheisnthe · 15/05/2007 15:11

in the spare room - utter madness

OP posts:

LilyLoo · 15/05/2007 15:29

Right so he hasn't moved out yet then ? is there any way you could get a sitter and then maybe cook anice meal and get him to sit down and seriously talk to you. After all whether you saty together or not this will have to happen with regard to the ds's.

Original poster

isheisnthe · 15/05/2007 15:53

i have just sent him an email saying that we need to talk - and asked him to consider going away for the weekend/night.

I said that wat ever the decision he makes we need to talk - god I am in a hole again

OP posts:

spook · 15/05/2007 16:07

I don't think he is ready to talk to you just yet ihih. As unfair and fucking selfish that sounds, I don't think you would get much sense out of him.
He is like a rabbit caught in the headlights and however calm and in control you may appear on the surface, he knows you. He will pick up on your desperation (for want of a better word) and neediness. I don't mean that to sound cruel-I was you remember and like you tried everything in my power to fix things.
But-whether they are fixable or not I'm afraid he is working on selfish twat time atm and will not want to feel he is being pushed into a corner at any point.
Unfair though this is-and yes you have to sort something out for the childrens sake- I'm really not that convinced that trying to have a civilised conversation right now is going to achieve anything.
Others will probably disagree with me but his behaviour is so achingly familiar to me that in retrospect I did everything you are trying to do and it did no good whatsoever.
As Mylittlestar has already said-it's not what you do now-the problem is all his in his fucked up selfish (atm) head.

divastrop · 15/05/2007 16:27

fwiw i agree with spook,and also,i can see it from the other side in that,when i finished with my xp he kept on saying we should go for a coffee or something and 'talk' but i knew he was going to try and get me to back with him so i told him to go through a solicitor re.contact with the kids as i couldnt bear him try6ing to get me back.

MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 15/05/2007 16:49

I agree with spook too.

Original poster

isheisnthe · 15/05/2007 17:28

he has agreed to go for a drink tonight - but has said it doesnt matter what is said - its over - I hve driven him to it

christ where is myself respect??

what shall I say?

dont know what way to go - do I tell him to leave and give me some time to grieve

OP posts:

Paddlechick666 · 15/05/2007 17:34

my only advice for tonight would be to try and be as strong as you can and keep it as unemotional as possible.

write a list of the most pressing things you need to discuss like his living arrangments, your staying in the house, the amount of money he must make available and of course what to tell the children, how to tell them (you and he together or just one of you) and access arrangements.

if you can be as business-like as possible i imagine this will have quite an affect on him.

not only will you show him that you are in control but that you are regaining the strong woman you have always been but might've misplaced recently.

don't beg, try not to cry but be clear that he has hurt you with his behaviour beyond belief.

show him that there is another way to communicate without nastiness and perhaps he will realise how horrible his behaviour has been recently.

maybe then he will be more willing to discuss the more personal side of things in the near future.

really hope it goes well for you.

spook · 15/05/2007 17:45

That is brilliant advice Paddlechick.
It is going to be unbelievably hard though ihih and I almost wish you wouldn't go but I know you have to.
You will be screaming inside and aching to put your arms round him and tell him how much you love him but please please try not to.
Gather all the strength you have and be as calm and dignified as possible and maybe, if you pull it off tonight he will come away from the meeting with a nagging thought that you are stronger than he gave you credit for. And that is no bad thing.
Go and go looking drop dead gorgeous (for yourself not for him) and hold your head up high.
He doesn't deserve you.

ThatBeetroot · 15/05/2007 17:55

Please stay calm at this meeting.

Deep breath count to 10 etc

Dont get hystrical for god sake!

Original poster

isheisnthe · 15/05/2007 17:55

will pdae when I can x x x

OP posts:

divastrop · 15/05/2007 20:15

good luck,hope everything goes ok tonight.

btw,dont listen to his shite about 'you've driven me too it'-that translates as 'i am a complete bastard and i feel guilty as hell for what ive done to you,and the only way i can feel ok about it is to blame you and refuse to accept any responsibility for myself'.

LilyLoo · 15/05/2007 20:33

Glad he has agreed to meet with you to talk things through. Agree with PC the m ost important things that need talking through now are the house and the dc's and money. Don't let him blame you and don't beg or plead with him. I thibk it's a good thing to go and see him and at least talk about things so you can work out where you stand at least. And for waht it's worth when i did this with my dp we found it really helped to get everything out. Obviously every relationship is different so if you go expecting him to be the arse he has been up to now anything else will be a bonus. Good luck x

lilybubble · 16/05/2007 00:50

hope you're okay. let us know how it goes. have been thinking of you. xx

lilybubble · 16/05/2007 00:51

ps. thatbeetroot, are you the 'real' beatty/ beetrootccio?

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