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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 14/05/2007 08:10

I always think that when they have no argument to shout back at you it's because they know you are right. DH confirmed this for me when I sadi that the only reason he resorted to mean comments was because he had no better argument, and to pack it in, cos iut only makes it worse.
Agree with the sex/protection thing.

BandofMothers · 14/05/2007 08:11

Good, about losing weight and new clothes. Not only will you be happy with out him, but you'll look great.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 14/05/2007 08:21

i am not going to contact him at all today. I am going to start getting some back bone.

OP posts:
Paddlechick666 · 14/05/2007 08:53

dealing with men when they are behaving like tossers in this way is like dealing with willfull toddlers and pre-schoolers don't you think?

wrt to having sex, this will be brutal but i'm going to say it: don't read anything into it regards a reconciliation.

sex is just sex for men, it really is.

if he comes around and starts bringing gifts, doing jobs to help you, talking in terms of what is good for you rather than what is good for him - IMO they are the indications of when a man loves you.

tbh, he sounds like he's totally getting off on the misery he's causing you.

definately stand up to him and fight for you and your boys to have the stability and security you need right now.

divastrop · 14/05/2007 11:41

i dont know if i like the sound of the 'advice' your 'friend' gave you.basically,he is saying that men only stray because their partners have stopped making an effort to look attractive etc.

BULLSHIT

cowards stray because its the easy way out of a relationship they havent got the balls to end in an adult way.

what happens is when the twat has left you and you start to realise what a tosser he was,you start to feel better about yourself and make an effort with your appearance because you feel like you're worth it,then when a**hole sees you he remembers you are an attractive woman and he's been a prick.

its at that point you need to tell him that you wouldnt touch him if he was the last man on earth,as you've now realised that you can do soooo much better and dont want him anymore.

(or maybe s**g him one last time out of pity)

Original poster
isheisnthe · 14/05/2007 11:47

diva - thats thats what I think he did with me last night!

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 14/05/2007 13:03

how do you search computer history? I have just logged on to his account on our pc and there are logs for travel lodge last weekend - 5th - the day he spent the night out

OP posts:
ginnedupmummy · 14/05/2007 13:46

Message withdrawn

MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 14/05/2007 20:02

Agree with the sex thing - no man would turn down sex offered on a plate...sorry

divastrop · 14/05/2007 20:34

i dont think its fair to say no man would turn down sex offered on a plate.not all men are ruled by their dicks,only the ones who didnt mature beyond the age of 13(ok,i know thats a fair few!).

how are things now?

re. the sex thing,it reminded me of when i was first with my xp.i got preg with ds1 when we had only been seeing each other a couple of weeks,and he didnt want to know,but i kept going to see him,and because he was willing to do it, i thought it meant he wanted to be with me and just needed a bit of persuasion.

he did agree to stand by me in the end,but at a price,cos i'd acted like a desperate fool he thought that gave him the right to treat me like shit,as i should be greatful he'd stayed with me.

so i got the blame for 4 years of physical abuse as i was the one who'd begged him to stay with me

Fubsy · 14/05/2007 20:52

Bizarrely, one of DPs old chestnuts over the years was that if a woman pushed hard enough, no man could refuse although he denies ever having been with anyone else during our relationship.

I maintain that there are some men who would think twice, but then I dont really have the experience to say....

LilyLoo · 14/05/2007 20:59

ISHE i just wanted to reiterate don't read any reconcilliation into the sex thing. Afraid that that doesn't look too good r/e the hotel. I wonder whether this may open a whole pack of lies . I didn't want to say this but i do wonder if the reason he is able to be so strong and detached about this is because he is seeing someone else and in that respect he has mentally moved away from your relationship for some time. I really hope i'm wrong but the booking at the hotel def looks like it hasn't been a one off meeting with Tracy.

lilybubble · 15/05/2007 00:43

Isheisnthe, hope you are doing okay. The hotel things doesn't look good though - there is a history section on most browsers that you can look at. I agree with Lilyloo I'm afraid that he is most likely so detached and strong because of another relationship.

ginnedupmummy, glad to hear things worked out for you now, that's really nice to hear. Good on you! My husband behaved in the same way, leaving and blaming me and THEN admitting a relationship

mylittlestar · 15/05/2007 09:09

agree with lilybibble and lilyloo

looking back, the only reason my dh was so strong, so cruel, so mentally detatched from me, is because he had the ow to go to. he wasn't stepping into the unknown. he wasn't worrying for his future and his security. he knew exactly who's bed he was heading to

I'm sorry. But best to focus on the anger here to stop him from hurting you anymore xx

Original poster
isheisnthe · 15/05/2007 10:35

thanks all - after phoning up and going mental at him he then told me to look at the date properly - he had been searching sunday morning to see how much it would be to stay there for a month to give us some space.

At the end of the day I jumped to a conclusion - but going on what he has done in the last few weeks that is hardly surprising is it.

I told him last night I couldnt keep trying anymore - he had to do what ever he wanted to do but I was NOT going to agree to sell the house.

OP posts:
spook · 15/05/2007 10:44

Hardly surprising that you are jumping to conclusions ihih. This horrible situation really messes with your head and he has given you no reason not to be suspicious.
But-and I have to echo what other posters have said, the way he is behaving does suggest to me that his mind has been made up for some time and that's how he's being so definate and steadfast in his decision. He's had more time to get his head round this than you have.
Calmly accept his need to escape for a while and then scream and cry and rant when he's not there if needs be.
But try not to let him see how much this is affecting you.
How is your sleeping and how are the boys??

Original poster
isheisnthe · 15/05/2007 10:58

it is killing me not to keep say PLEASE PLEASE can we give it another go - but I have managed yesterday and today (so far!)

All i want him to do is get some space and some clarity - if he then decides in a few months time there is no way back then we can look at selling the house - but I think its awfully knee jerk to just go ahead and do it now.

Boys are okay - still keep talking about familys mind you which is heart breaking. I kept welling up yesterday and they were getting very concerned and asking why I was sad - I just said even grown ups get sad some times.

Sleep is fine - with the help of zopliclone!

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LilyLoo · 15/05/2007 11:51

oh is he it is really so hard. Have you been able to sit down together and actually discuss this ow and what he and you want for the future?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 15/05/2007 12:02

no - he will not talk. Decisions all his apparently and I have no input

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MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 15/05/2007 12:08

I guess there always has to be one person who decides to split or no-one would ever be left. He has decided and I think you are not going to change his mind, sad as that is for you . Well done (not said in a patronising way!) for managing not to plead with him. At least you will have your diginty and he will remember you as a dignified person.

MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 15/05/2007 12:08

Sorry if that sounds final

LilyLoo · 15/05/2007 12:10

I suppose you can't make him. I just don't see why on the basis of a one night stand he feels the need to completely upturn his and his familys life withoput so much as a backward glance and zero effort to try and resolve things. What is your take on the ow?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 15/05/2007 12:18

I do think he just went for a drink with her, which is very wrong and sneeky - but I could get over.

I think he wasn't getting attention and someone gave hime some. Ultimatly I have to now protect myself and my sanity and let him get on with it.

OP posts:
lilybubble · 15/05/2007 12:26

Well my h left me and dd 3 hours after telling me he wasn't happy, and went straight to stay with the bint he is now having a relationship with. Supposedly that was the start of it, leaving me, but he was just like your dp, being detached and determined. His mind was made up, and I pleaded and begged during that 3 hours to no avail, part of which is documented on here.

He did agree to counselling but once I had the details, a week or so later, he said he didn't want to because of his relationship with Bint. Why don't you suggest counselling to him?

I still can't believe he's done this, would never have thought him capable of it. It just sounds so much like your dp's behaviour. I had an inkling that he liked this girl, but never imagined he'd actually leave over it. He gave me no input either, the decisions have all been his too

Hang in there, we are all here for you xx

Original poster
isheisnthe · 15/05/2007 12:32

oh lilly - how can they be so hard faced. At the end of the day to me, or even you - but their children?? the mind is baffeled! (sp)

Just said to a colleague I want to fast forward this year - I just don't want to live it - I would sell my soul just for a sneeky peek to see what we are doing and were we are this time next year

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