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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

OP posts:
BandofMuggles · 02/07/2007 10:19

I think you have enough proof that you are not together, though. With all the solicitor stuff. I suppose they may not pay you til he moves out if he is paying the bills still.

Tinkerbel5 · 02/07/2007 10:20

ishe are you working?, if not you can claim IS and Housing/Council Tax Benefit when you privately rent, dont take any money of him to rent somewhere or it can be considered maintenace, although in some parts now you do need a guarantor to rent.

tiredemma · 02/07/2007 10:26

Try and get out of the account that he has put the overdraft on. Last thing you need is to lumbered with debt from that idiots erratic behaviour.

My Dp's mother has just discovered that her husband ( married for only 6 yrs) has been having an affair for two years- only to rub salt into her wounds the woman he was having an affiar with was invited to a family wedding a few weeks ago before the affair was discovered, the bride ( Dp's stepdads sister) actually had the nerve to not only invite the woman to wedding- but also had her as a bridesmaid- some people are despicable. _ just before this he encouraged dps mum to take out a joint loan secured against the house for £21000- payed off all his own debts, car etc and bought dps mum a laptop with what was left. Of course she has been lumbered with debt now due to this shitheads behaviour.

Hope you finally get some peace away from this idiot.

BandofMuggles · 02/07/2007 10:32

Aaargh TE how awful, there must be some way out of that. Or he at least should be liable for half of it???

tiredemma · 02/07/2007 10:35

He will have to pay half- she has been through a soliciter and bank and both have said that she signed the paperwork so is liable.

Loan was taken out about six weeks ago- he has been having an affair for two years. what an arsewipe.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 02/07/2007 10:43

there are some charmers out there arent there. I am working - so not entitled to sod all - apart from perhaps council tax benefit?

He has agreed to pay half he rent a month - thats me sorted then - but I will get it all drawn up with the solicitor and not make a move until that is done.

Plus i will also let him know that I still consider this my home, and will walk iand out as I want and when I want.

And I will be taking the furniure that I need.

OP posts:
tiredemma · 02/07/2007 10:44

is he moving out or still going to live there?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 02/07/2007 10:51

no - he will stay here while I move in to rented while we wait for the house to sell. I hae to do this for reasons of sanity - I am now sitting at 8.5 stone, which I have not seen since I was about 15! Its good to be slim but if I dont get away from a situation that is making me too anxious teat it will be madness

Plus DS1 starts school in september and I want his tstart settled, whic i will be if we are already moved out and he has got used to seein daddy at weekends and that mummy and daddy dont live together anymore

OP posts:
Freckle · 02/07/2007 11:54

Have you applied for Working Tax or Child Tax credits? If not, do so straight away.

BigGitDad · 02/07/2007 12:44

So sorry to hear how this is going isheisnthe, it sounds like his driving you out of the house would would suit him down to the ground. How does the solicitor feel about this?
I would speak to the bank about the joint account and see if you can at least get it noted that there are to be no raises in the overdraft etc except without joint approval and try to get confirmation in writing of this.
Keep strong.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 02/07/2007 12:51

I have applied - they are investigating my claim tho :-(

OP posts:
teafortwoandtwofortea · 02/07/2007 14:58

Don't worry too much about that - they 'investigated' my claim too and I still got it, it doesn't necessarily mean they won't give it to you, they're just trying to prevent fraud. If you work for the NHS I can't see you earning enough to disqualify you from tax credits - DH and I are both band 6/7 (me on 22 hrs) and we still qualify as a couple.

Do you pay for any childcare at all? If you do it's well worth getting the info about chidcare vouchers too - we save about £2,200 a year by getting those.

I know you're on here a bit but have you got some support from RL life friends too? I know you mentioned you had a sister up north and your M&D... (houses are much cheaper up here btw )

Original poster
isheisnthe · 02/07/2007 16:44

yea - I have- but all my mates are childless so work FT and in the smoke mostly. I am a band 4 - both boys go to nursery wile I work and I already claim the vouchers.

The woman has some "questions" and is phoning me back at 5pm - wish me luck. She seems nice but is obsessing about the fact the Exp is still living here - I have explained I can no force him to leave as we are both named on the deeds - I explained I had asked my solicitor about this and there is no move legally - unless he is violent. Fingers crossed - I am papping it

OP posts:
Mommalove · 02/07/2007 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumto3girls · 02/07/2007 19:48

I'm not sure mob=ving out is finacially the best move ( although I can sincerely sympathise with why you want to) surely if you are housed already before the house sells DP can argue that you do not need more equity to house yourself and the boys?

Stay put imho.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 02/07/2007 20:10

lots of questions - I was completley honest - they said it will go one of two ways (shehas to speak to her manager) either they will accept my singl claim or we will have tre submit a joint application

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 03/07/2007 12:25

just had an email from him warning me to not take others advice and grass him up to the tax people! And also stating he will not "tell you this again, if you want to remain friends for the boys sake it would be better to not go down that route"

I am going to ignore it I think - but I am bloody livid - why would I want his friendship?!

OP posts:
DivaSkyChick · 03/07/2007 13:07

Is he reading yout posts here?

quint · 03/07/2007 13:56

remember he's tried threatening you before about custody of the boys and he seems to have gone quiet on that front. If I were you I would reassure him that you have no interest in talking to the taxman about him as it is not in your interests. Then in about 6 months time I would go and talk to the taxman!

Please seriously think about moving out - I know in the short term its better but you have to also consider the long term. What does your solicitor say? I know its easy for us all to say on here as we don't fully know what its like and we are not living your life, but please get proper advice before you do move out.

Once agaon best wishes to you and your boys

Original poster
isheisnthe · 03/07/2007 14:17

My solicitor said it wont make a bit of difference in the eyes of the law etc if I live there or not - as long as I am confident that he will not scupper any sale.

Could be reading them, might get them to delte the thread and name change?

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 03/07/2007 14:24

trouble is - I would have liked a print of it but do not have a printer to print it out on

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 03/07/2007 14:31

I don't think he's reading this...have ou discussed things in RL or via email with anyone that he also knows?

If he is reading it though

Hi - You're a complete wanker!!!! {angry]

mylittlestar · 03/07/2007 14:50

ishe if you want to get it deleted and name change I will print the thread for you and send it to you

just CAT me if you want me to

quint · 03/07/2007 16:01

How confident do you feel re him selling the house and everything being above board? Sorry but from what you;ve said I wouldn;t trust him one littel bit - he's shown his true colours and whats to stop him changing the locks once you've gopne as you will have left voluntarily

Original poster
isheisnthe · 03/07/2007 20:47

I will get something in writing from the solicitors to say that we have agreed that I will move out but not relinquish my rights to the house. Also, its illegal for him to change the locks when my names on the deeds.

He is so deperate to "move on" with his new life and girlfriend theres no way he will hold on to the house - its crippling him already

OP posts: