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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

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Original poster
isheisnthe · 27/06/2007 16:25

I know BB - wonder if I ever really knew him - if you had asked me three months ago to line my childre against a wall and you were going to shoot them if I got it wrong "would he cheat" I would have sad no - confidently!

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bananabump · 27/06/2007 16:32

That's a bit scary because I'd say that about my dp too. I suppose maybe you should never trust someone 100% but it's not a nice way to live, is it?

I think you have to take a few chances on love, there's nothing worse than those couples who are always asking where the other has been, and checking their phones (with no due cause)

You shouldn't feel like a mug for trusting him. He's the mug for letting you down. He'll come to realise this- maybe it'll take a year or two, but one day he'll think "Christ, I had everything, and now I'm in a flat with pizza boxes everywhere and no clean pants"

Original poster
isheisnthe · 27/06/2007 16:43

I had total faith and trust in him - and I'm glad, even tho this has happened, cos I couldnt live with not trusting someone - I only looked at his phone as he was being such a shit and it was out of character.

In some ways I wis I hadnt looked

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mumto3girls · 27/06/2007 18:21

Don't wish that...your life will be better and more secure once you and he have gone seperate ways.

IMHO there's no such things as blissful ignorance

macdoodle · 27/06/2007 18:33

I trusted my (D)H implicitly as well - we both used to work on ships (dens of immorality) and I trusted him then ....lunatic exOW though told me he wasn't faithful to me since our DD was born (he denied this) but he has told so many lies (mind so did she)that I just don't trust a word he says...and it has put a pall on our whole history together - once we were in love and happy now I wonder whether he was ever faithful

Original poster
isheisnthe · 27/06/2007 18:39

thats the wy see it - his ew kicked him out cos she thougt he was having an affair - he convinced EVERYONE even her family tt she was mad - but was she - tey are now hearin stories about me - must ring some bells surely? but he so desnt seem the type

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Original poster
isheisnthe · 27/06/2007 18:39

fucking keyboard

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macdoodle · 27/06/2007 18:42

Why do they do this in the midst of all his lies - he was accusing me of being mad and making thing up (and seeing other men ...I wish)...my (D)H also has ExW and he says she was mad and all her fault - I have never spoken to her though she is local but now I wonder??? I just wish he would move in with exOW she deserves him...while I know I deserve better

Original poster
isheisnthe · 28/06/2007 09:02

we are living the same life I think - last nights classic was that he was going for custody of the kids - when I asked who would look after them he said "my ex wife will have them" - I hated to point it out but had to - her house is a shit hole and her children walk round with lice half the time.

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quint · 28/06/2007 09:10

Sorry ishe - but he just might win custody. I mean what judge could refuse

"M'lord, I want full custody of my children"
"And who will look after these children?"
"My ex-wife who looks after my other children after I also dumped them"

Is this man in the real world? What did you say being your bursts of laughter?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 28/06/2007 09:22

i just said about her standards for the children she already has.

I am thinking f it now, when this is done I will be moving up north - away from these poisonous influences

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BandofMuggles · 28/06/2007 09:27

Sounds a good idea to me. Bet his exw would be thrilled if he turned up with your dc's and asked her, no wait told her to look after them.
What world does he live in, seriously????

Original poster
isheisnthe · 28/06/2007 09:44

weirdo world!

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mumto3girls · 28/06/2007 11:04

Jesus this guy really needs a kicking. ( And I'm not a violent persona ta ll!!)

If I were you I'd tell him that you no longer wish to speak one to one with him and anything he wants to say has to go through your solicitor.

bananabump · 28/06/2007 11:32

LOL! so HE doesn't want the kids, he just doesn't want YOU to have them. What a nasty cowardly man he is, just saying anything he can to hurt you. How pathetic. You're well rid!!

And by the way, his exw would LAUGH IN HIS FACE.

mumto3girls · 28/06/2007 11:40

I suggest that you keep a diary, detailing how much actual time he spends with his sons, where he takes them etc
AND how much time he spends out of the house, especially abroad.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 28/06/2007 12:36

thats what I am intending to do re the diary.

I know his EW would look after the boys - mainly to spite me tho.

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Original poster
isheisnthe · 28/06/2007 12:37

and before any of you ask - no I wasnt invovled in the break up of him and EW - it happened years before I was on the scene.

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mumto3girls · 28/06/2007 13:06

I wonder how he and EW get on so well? anything going on between them??

I just think you need to crank up the speed of selling the house and getting this man out of your life...any more viewings booked?

bananabump · 28/06/2007 13:42

I wouldn't be so sure she'd take on your children just to spite you, it'd be a major upheaval for her and both sets of children, she doesn't know or care about your children, does she? why on earth would she get them rather than you?

You're a great mum, your kids love you, and they are happy with you, there's no reason why he would get custody of them. Remember- HE cheated, not you. You've done nothing to deserve any of this. Just do as the others say and keep a written record of things (this thread will help a LOT to jog your memory!)

And anyway, the police have been involved a few times now haven't they? they're not daft, they'll be building up a profile of this man, and they won't be giving him full custody of anyone. Try to keep your chin up x

Original poster
isheisnthe · 28/06/2007 20:22

she dos see them quite alot - when ever he takes thm anywhere its there - she has offered to look after them while he works.

the maddening thing is that he is doing to me exactly te same as he did to her - making everyone think I am mental and stalking him, that I am paranoid, that I am turning the kids against him, that I am being a money grabbin bitch, that he has lived with hell for years etc etc....

Oh well, at the end of the day he wouldnever in a million years want the responsibility of them, he wants to be the "fun" parent that does all the nice stuff - you cant be that everyday - My kids are my life - I want them 24/7 - they are not a bind for me - shame he cant say the same.

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mumto3girls · 28/06/2007 22:03

why is his ex so nice to him after everything he did to her...and why do you let him take your children round there?? Is it because they have half brothers and sisters?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/06/2007 11:49

yea, they have two older 1/2 siblings who they love - and also she has two babies that they love too.

That and I am bit of a mug i suppose

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BandofMuggles · 29/06/2007 11:52

Actually I think it is good that you encourage a relationship between your dc's and their 1/2 siblings. It shows you are a mature, respectful, caring person. What a shame the other adults you share responsibility with can't say the same.
It will be over eventually and you can move on knowing you have done everything with dignity.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/06/2007 12:04

thanks - hard thing is I parented the siblings every weekend all weekend for the enteriry of our relationship - it was always me bathing, de-nitting, buying make up, clothes etc, running friends back and forth. I have seen them since the weekend away that started all this and they have blocked me on MSN - not that I would have approached them that way.

I feel really hurt by that - not sure why really. I have not been the perfect step parent - but who is? You learn as you go along, and I truely thought we had a good relationship. SD1 told me before she told BM or Exp that she had started her periods etc.

Bit of a slap in the face really. He has also told me that dont give a shit about the split and are glad.

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