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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

OP posts:
gonnaneedabiggerboat · 01/06/2007 13:11

I don;t know why but I still can;t believe what a tosser he's being in all this.

Any time you feel like crumbling come on here and read this thread , that'll soon maje you strong again. And as everyone else has said don;t feel foolish for getting upset - you;re grieving for the life you thought you and your boys were going to have, you will come out of it and you will be better off in the long run.

Tey and keep smiling.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 01/06/2007 15:25

am in a better place now - just peaks and troughs as I said before - mind numbing sometimes

OP posts:
toomuchtodo · 02/06/2007 08:56

we're all here for you whenever you need to post, don't forget.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 02/06/2007 09:33

thanks - went through his car while he is out last night - he's listening to mariah careys "your girl" - what a tit - trevors message to him I guess

His solicitor is urging him to offer me more than 50% (hence the 10K extra offer from him the other day) or I will be seeking full financial disclosure - which he will not like one tiny bit.

This morning I have stayed in bed and made him get up to the boys. He did make a comment about no washing being done- very toungue in cheek about it he was.

I just want some honesty from him, about if he is leaving FOR someone, rather than just pissed off at us. I know I am not going to get it tho.

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 02/06/2007 09:37

I agree with who ever said tell him to take his washing round to Trevor's.

I want to hit him for you. Why do men think they can treat women like this????

Freckle · 02/06/2007 09:43

If he doesn't want full financial disclosure, it could be that you do not know the full extent of his finances and he is trying to hide that from you. So, don't accept anything that your solicitor doesn't feel is adequate.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 02/06/2007 09:52

i know freckle - he has bank accounts dotted everywhere. Dick head. Its a case of head down and wade through treacle.

DS1 WOULDNT GO TO BED LAST NIGHT AND oops, caps locked! in the end I ordered us a takeout which we ate on a blanket in the living room. he lovedit. He kept saying - " i just want to be with you mummy" - I am pissed off that my son, the apple of my eye and the reason for living - is being affected and feeling insecure. Great start to school life for him huh!

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 02/06/2007 09:56

School may distract him, so is good. He knows you are there and you love him. He knows he can rely on you. Don't worry he is ok. My mum got me and my 3 siblings thru 2 divorces of our dads, and we have the most amazing bond with her still.
You will reap the benefits of being the reliable parent much more than your H.
I hop you get at least 50 % of everything in all his Accounts. What a creep trying to squirrel away money from your lives together to keep to himself afterwards.

Get your thigh length waders out, put your hard hat on in case of shrapnel and plod on.
We're here for you always.

btw, were you always isheisnthe, or was it a name change for this thread??

Freckle · 02/06/2007 10:00

This might sound trite, but children are incredibly resilient. Yes, they are going to be upset (often because they are aware that you are upset) and it will be a difficult time for them. But, they are young and the young are adaptable. It's old fogeys like us that struggle to cope with change.

As long as you are there as a constant in their lives, they will survive and they will be strong.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 02/06/2007 11:43

it was a name change - I'll out myself - first I was spikeycat (i'd like that back by the way but each time I try to change it back it wont let me!) then I was sick and tired - if you search you will see that its been shit for some time - but I still didnt expect what i got

Every cloud has a silver lining tho, I was 10st 9lb (never lost ds2s baby weight) and now today I am 9st 2lb - a dramitc loss since 10th may hey!

Going to fill up the boys paddlepool now an have some fun - dickhead has taken them fr hair cut - to his EW!

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 02/06/2007 18:19

sd came round today - i felt very odd - I didnt know how to act around her and neither did sh - what a horrid situation for an 11 year old. DS1 asked in ront of daddy if I didnt like him anymore (daddy) and I said ofcoursei did - he then asked daddy why he didnt like mummy - p said "nice to see what you are filling thei heads with" - ds1 said, well you mustnt like mummy cos you dont want to live in our house any more, and wehave to move somewhere smaller, P said - nice work ishe, lets really upset them. I said - your rght - it will be much better not to mention anything and wait for he removal vans and go in different directions. He then took SD home, parked the car on th drive and pissed off out - nice - didnt even come in to sa bye to the boys - I feel in limbo land and that I cant even say anything about hisactions and their impact on the boys.

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 02/06/2007 19:07

bump

OP posts:
toomuchtodo · 02/06/2007 19:58

how horrible for you and your boys

I know they are young, can you sit them down and try to explain whats going on to them? Stress their dad still loves them (for the boys sake not HIS)

so sorry for you in this horrible situation

he's still being a prat isn't he

sooner you get rid the better

xx

CarGirl · 02/06/2007 20:06

he is so thick!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So he's going to end up giving up on every relationship after a number of years and run off with some other skirt...........if he didn't want to get "fleeced" again why didn't he learn his lesson from his divorce.

Big hugs he really is a s**t stick to your guns let him run scared and generously go down to 100k.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 03/06/2007 06:39

whn he got homelast night all his stuff was on the porch ready to go - so he phoned the police who gave him permission to break in to his own house - which he then spent about 1 - 2 hours trying to do - scaring the shit out of me and waking the kids!

h eventually pissed off - so as soon asits open and I am decent I will be off down the police station to complain - this is a man wo only last year was cautioned and spent a night in the cells for assaulting me

OP posts:
giddy1 · 03/06/2007 07:01

Message deleted

Original poster
isheisnthe · 03/06/2007 07:06

i am just waiting for him to turn up again and am shitting myself about him doing it - I know he will - and now he thinks he has the police on his side!

OP posts:
toomuchtodo · 03/06/2007 07:21

can't u ring the police about this?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 03/06/2007 07:33

it all just feels horribly embaressing tho.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 03/06/2007 07:38

The guy has assaulted you in the past, hon, that's what the police are for. To protect you.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 03/06/2007 07:43

just phoned them - they said as there were not any recent problems at this address (we were in our old house) and as we are joint owners they gave him the correct advice - they said if I do no want him in here I will need to get my solicitor to apply for an emergency injuction

OP posts:
WaynettaSlob · 03/06/2007 07:56

Blimey ISHE, just wishing you vibes of courage to get through this morning.
(and I have to echo LittleLapin's very succinct comment of WANKER - some men have no pride.)
You are being very strong, and a wonderful mother to your boys, keep it up.
xx

Original poster
isheisnthe · 03/06/2007 08:17

now seriously doubting i did the right thing, he is going to come back and be foul, not only that - if he doesnt come back he will stop paying all the bills. im totally bricking it

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 03/06/2007 11:56

well, he came in through the back gate - unpacked all his stuff, said he wasnt going any where and then went out again - all that effort for that - I feel stupid now as there is actually nothing I can do to get him to go

he also said that I was turning into tracey barlow - ifthats the case he'd better watch himself, we all know how her EX ended up

OP posts:
DivaSkyChick · 03/06/2007 16:14

I'm so sorry you're going thru this, it just sucks so bad.

He has no shame. It's inhuman.

Don't feel bad about acting out, he has pushed the boundries of what anyone could take. It's an impossible situation, absolutely horrid, and all you can do is stay focused on what you want and what your boys need. Let your soliciter know about last night in case there are repercussions.