think I may have been right

[isheisnthe]

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

ishe, just been reading all your thread

what can I say, he is a prize prick, who'll always be a prize prick

you sound strong and determind, keep your chin up, your boys and you deserve better

thinking of you today xxx

Thanks - just had an mail from him saying that he will give me 80K (10 more than I am entitled to) - he also pointed out that solicitors and judges cost a lot of money - then offered me 350 a month maintenance.

I said I would discuss his offer with my solicitor but would not let him know now. Couldnt buy a shoe box with 80, he said that he will also look in to shared ownership for me - cheek!

Hi have just found your thread and feel really that you are going through this.

As I said on a thread yesterday when we go through this we think it is something we have done I should have been happier/spent more time on my appearance/cleaned the house more etc etc but most of the time they behave like this because of emotional baggage they already had. He has already started and left behind one family and in a few years will be doing all this to someone else (by which time you will have a happy and settled life and this will be a bad memory)

His solicitor will try to give you as little as he can, dont accept it for an easy life like his EW - he chose to have children with you if he were any kind of man it should be the most important thing in his life to provide them with a safe home and a happy childhood. His behavour proves he is a selfish boy but there are many men on far lower wages than him who manage to support their children (perhaps he need to economise by buying cheaper shirts next time )

Any possibility Trever could pick up his washing next time she drops him off, after all we all know how much skiddy boxers add to the romance in a relationship

There you go - already he's offering you another 10K must mean he's running scared.

You did the right thing referring him to your solicitor

I am going to push for 90, he pays off all debts and selling fees - 90 is what I get in my hand - that will do me

If you want 90 push for 95 and graciously conceed the 5

Noooo. Go for 110 and graciously concede 10 .

yep get as much out of him as possible, he deserves to get screwed over

just remember this money isn't just for you its for the kids future too

good luck, will watch how you get on

xx

Agree with Freckle - unless of course your solicitor thinks you;ll get more!

And every time you start to feel mercy, read through this thread from the bottom to the top, and you'll get angry again. The anger will carry you and your boys through and out the other side of this!

friends came round last night - I got drunk and cried - lots - first time really - good or bad thing? I know I feel a prat this morning!

Then I get down to a note " put a wash load on for me and hang our - thanks EP" is he MAD?

Don't feel a prat its good to let those emotions out

Oh and try to get as much money as you can I was far to nice and I am still angry about it now.
at the time it maybe easier to settle quickly but years on it grates in your mind

wishing you the best of luck

I think yes- he is clearly mad.

Fucking piss taker.

Dont even reply to his letter, just leave his washing in the laundry bin.

He is either trying to wind you up, or just a complete and utter, heartless tosser- both even.

the latter one thinks tired!! i was bleating on last night that i loved him - pissed as a fart and blubbing so much my eyes hurt still - what a moron

I would do as he asks. Put a load on to wash and hang it out. Only ensure that only your stuff and the boys' stuff is in it. That way he can't complain that you are being awkward and ignoring him.

leave his washing in his wash bin (I conceed buy him a cheapo one of those) in the corner of his room - so it still looks tidy for viewings washing powder on the side and write him a note.

" i'm not your partner and i'm not your mother if you want your washing done do it yourself or there's a laundrette down the road" - twat expecting you to clear up after him.

re the dirty washing up etc i'd be sooo tempted to put them in a bowl in his wardrobe when you had veiwings, but taken out and left on his side when you didn't again with the same note - he seriously can't expect you to do that!

agree witht eh others he's running scared, don't accept anything less that what your solicitor thinks you are entiteld to, you can afford to live with £350 for 2 LO's in this day and age is quite low (I thought??) - but not sure how that goes - I still say he's taking the piss big time.

don't worry bout melt downs eitehr - we all have em.

either way it's up to you that one- but he's gonna have to learn to do it sooner or later. (I think he's trying to make things harder for you to detach tbh, and as I say have his cake and eat it - only glad he hasn't tried to sleep with you again - which I suspect he may well do at some point in the future - prob to see if he can get you to 'see' things his way re the boys and money etc.

stay strong you're doing brilliantly.

agree with Freckle
do some washing as requested - just not his
cant believe he has the nerve to ask you to do his laundry

you can do this
so what if you have a cry - you werent expecting your life & future to be crushed in one go...that is going to take time to get over & move on
be strong & concentrate on the money for you & your boys future - you are going to have to be mercenry & tough cos you now know you cant rely on your H ever again to tell you the truth & support you
thats how I feel about mine & why you need to make sure you can stand on your own 2 feet moneywise

you r doing really well

will find a thread that one MN posted when I was going through this - 10 things to do - will post it here so you can print it off & follow it

another one that someone said to me is "theres no shame in falling down, just in not getting up."

Unbelieveable - what a tosser! So for you.

I will not do his ashing - worse thing is he wrote on the back of the order form for DS1's first school uniform - so now have to look like an unorganised parent and ask for another one - shows how much he gives shit about ds1 starting school in september

Don't forget that this hasn't come like a bolt out of the blue for him. He has been preparing for this. He will already have grieved for your relationship and has thought through everything that he needs to do. You are only at the start of this process and, as such, are much, much more vulnerable than he is.

You, therefore, need to be twice as strong has he (not just for your boys, but for you too). You need to be calm and reasonable around him at all times. You can fall apart at other times (which you are bound to do and there is no shame in that because that is part of the grieving process). Don't accept anything that he says, unless your solicitor also agrees.

Just start to separate out your lives. If he has stopped your housekeeping, ensure that he buys his own food rather than raiding the fridge for whatever you have bought. Make it clear to him that what you buy is for you and the boys unless he is prepared to contribute towards the cost.

Leave his washing, etc. Washing up is more difficult because no doubt you will want to use the pots and pans and dishes too, and if he just leaves them you may have no choice.

If he wants washing done or sewing or any other domestic task, suggest that he ask Trevor, who, having taken over in the bedroom department, will no doubt be delighted to take over in the kitchen for him.

Keep strong and you will emerge from this with your dignity intact.

good post there freckle

leave a note for him, "any washing requests have to go through my solicitor"

let him see what a twat he's being

i know freckle - makes it so so hard still. Have had a morning in bed - lazy mother (boys at nursery). Now am going to go through the house like a dose of salts for a viewing this afternoon.

See this htread has hit the 500 posts mark - has it really been going on this long.

My top tip - avoid vino like the plauge - it messes your head and any reserve of protection that you may have built up around yourself!

I love my boys - I want them away from this situation as soon as possible so I hope this house sells soon - I can not believe how quickly my life has spiraled out of control!!!! Boys boys boys - thats all I need to remember. And get my head round that HE DOESNT CARE - so get over it!