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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

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Original poster
isheisnthe · 30/05/2007 19:47

they are just in b - ds1 in my bed again - his bedrooms scary or so I am told and I can not be arsed with the battle.

I have again asked him to go to mediation regarding the money issue he said "who the F**K is a mediator, we will talk about it whn I get home, at the end of the day with 50% you can get a nice shared ownership house somewhere"

So,I am not going to talk, as is obvious from that that he is not listening. I think it best to allow te solicitors to talk, I have asked hm to go to mediation (kept the emails as well) but he is not interested - and if it goes to court hat will work against him.

Does he think any court in the land will say - yea, shes lucky to get 50% really, your being generous - the tax payer can sort h out with the rest while you piss off to your new family earnin mega bucks" idiot.

well done with getting through the thread - its a long one.

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BigGitDad · 30/05/2007 22:06

Just a quick note to say keep your chin up Isheisnthe! As I said in an earlier post your boys will remember the love you are giving them and that in time they will return that love with interest.
Don't worry yourself about what your DP is thinking or doing, that is a waste of time and energy, think forward for yourself and the boys. Let the solicitor deal with it all, that's what they are paid to do.
Onwards and upwards, chin up, keep smiling and climb up sunshine mountain whenever you can! (my favourite happy song which I sing to my kids now and then)
(Pep talk over!)

gonnaneedabiggerboat · 30/05/2007 22:20

good for you, keep at it

bananabump · 31/05/2007 07:09

Get your solicitor to interpret any letters you get from his, they're designed to intimidate you into co-operation.

And hey, cheer up! Everytime you make a move, he has to pay to see his solicitor. You don't! So make the most of your time with her and let her fight for you.

Positive vibes for you and your boys, hope today is a better day x

Original poster
isheisnthe · 31/05/2007 07:43

thanks all - did not utter a word last night to each other, apart from him to moan about what is in the freezer and cupboards for food (i'm not too interested in it at the moment) so I have just buying for the boys, veg, sausages, chicken nugs, pizza, chicken breasts pasta - not what he is used to at all - I usually make him stews, casserols, shepherds pies, lasagna - all home made - so he is beginning to suffer a little me thinks.

His washing is piling up to - must be a nightmare - he will have o get himself a cleaner in his new flat - if he has any money left for one (the cleaner) after he has coughed up for me and the boys.

Had a good nights sleep last night, andtoday I just think - whatever, you prat

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bananabump · 31/05/2007 08:00

That's the spirit!

gonnaneedabiggerboat · 31/05/2007 09:09

Did he really think that you were going to continue cooking his meals and washing his clothes?!

Well done for staying strong

Original poster
isheisnthe · 31/05/2007 09:12

cheers - Just waiting for my solicitors letter to come through that she wants me to approve to send to his, that will probably knock me a bit.

Going to keep positive. Joined the pension scheme at work this am so I now have a death in service plan in place for the boys - at least they will be okay. Will have to make a will when all this is sorted in respect of the boys and making sure MY money is tied up so it can not be touched until they need it.

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Original poster
isheisnthe · 31/05/2007 09:13

oh yea, he really did!

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gonnaneedabiggerboat · 31/05/2007 09:15

what a prick!

Original poster
isheisnthe · 31/05/2007 09:19

and - sad thing is - I would of if I hadn't listened to everyone on here and in RL tellingme to stop letting him take the piss out of me

still eaving crap in the sink for me to wash up tho - which I have to as the house is being viewed and so it has to stay on top form

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bananabump · 31/05/2007 09:22

No you bloody don't! Get a box, put all his cups and plates in it, clear out a space under the sink and put the box in there. Then just put it away when people come over to see the house, and when they're gone, bring it out again for him to do. Or put it in his room next to his washing.

Oh yes, we can get very petty when we're annoyed!

mistressmiggins · 31/05/2007 09:22

ask your solicitor to write to his solicitor telling him/her that ALL letters hsould come to your solicitor

how appalling that you got one direct!!
I would have crumbled.

as for melt down, we've all done it & as long as your children realise its not their fault, I dont think the occasional upset hurts.

so angry for you but listen to advice about log books etc & keep fighting - it will get better but it is a rollercoaster of a ride. Im 18 months on & still not divorced cos my H doesnt seem to be in a hurry - hes been living with his mistress / now girlfriend since he left so goodness knows what she thinks - probably tells her its MY fault!

gonnaneedabiggerboat · 31/05/2007 09:28

My initial reaction was to agree and say dump the washing up in his room, however that is stooping tohis level. I like the other idea about putting it elsewhere when someone comes to view the house the get it out again when they've gone. If he complains and says it doesn;t look good for viewers tell him he'd better clean up after himself then hadn;t he seeing as he;s the one desperate to move.

Do not let him bully you! He knows you have this strength inside you and he doesn;t know how to react, you've not crumpled as he expected you to. Don;t be surprised if he chaches tactics and starts being nice again - don;t fall for it, you;ve seen his true colours.

BandofMothers · 31/05/2007 09:35

Bananabump, YEAH. She might run out of plates and cups that way tho.

Tell him to buy some paper plates if he can't be bothered to wash them up. Or leave them in his bed[evil]

I think re the solicitors letter they are only trying to scare you into accepting half as a token of their "generosity" cos they know that you can get more and are owed more. The other letter showed that. It is standard stuff tho isn't it. They have to try , just don't be intimidated by it. Your solicitor will know how to handle it.
You will be fine, and cheek of him with his, you'll get a nice shared equity home with 50 %.

You should move north where houses are cheaper and he will have to drive 100's of miles to get them for his visitation.[really evil] Tho of course that prob isn't practical.

Glad he keeps acting like a prick tbh as it keeps you angry at him. It's much easier for you to fight this is you are mad.

I have had a very hard year for one reason and then another and another etc, and I have been the biggest bitch to my poor dd's. I shout a lot, and have been so short and snippy. The guilt os awful, but you are stressed to the max and you are human. Try not to be so tough on yourself. You will be much calmer and more able to cope when it is sorted and he is gone, but don't settle just to get it over with.

GOSH, long sorry

BandofMothers · 31/05/2007 09:39

OOh bigger boat, true.
He may well start being nice again, even trying to sleep with you. Don't fall for it. The levels they will stoop to is disgusting.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 31/05/2007 10:00

THanks for that warning - that would be a typical thing for him to do, and (and I know you all think i am a nob for this) i still love him - so would have probably fallen for it. I am resolved to this now - and I know that I will be happier.

My sister lives in the north and she was telling me about some lovely houses up there for pennies - detached new 3 beds for 135K - mental. Ultimatly I have transferable skills so I might consider it in the future.

Depends how much he actually makes the effort to see the children when we eventually seperate, as if it sparodic then it would be best to just up and off maybe.

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bananabump · 31/05/2007 10:03

No-one thinks you're a nob, love doesn't have an "off" switch, it goes gradually and this has all happened so fast. All we want is for you to protect yourself and not get hurt when all he wants is a quick shag.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 31/05/2007 10:12

thanks BB.

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BandofMothers · 31/05/2007 10:20

Ooh, i would be very tempted to do it. think how much you'd have left over as a nice safety net/nest egg. You could buy outright and have no mortgage.

BandofMothers · 31/05/2007 10:23

It's so easy to want to believe them, because you want it to be true, but I think it is obvious(sorry) that he is not nice and that if he suddenly started being nice again I would be very suspicious. This kind of bhvr does not come from a whim. He is not in the same place you are any more.

((((((more hugs))))))

Original poster
isheisnthe · 31/05/2007 10:30

I am a bit tempted I must admit

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Original poster
isheisnthe · 31/05/2007 10:37

I dont think he was ever in the same place BOM - Think he has always treated me and our kids as second best to his first family. He has proved that by walking away from that with out a penny as he did not want to disturb SD's - but my boys - who gives a shit - they can go in to council run emergency accomodation as long as it gets me and them out of his face - twat

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BandofMothers · 31/05/2007 10:41

OMG that is awful for you and esp for your boys.
It could be that he doesn't want to walk away with nothing again, but it still doesn't excuse him wanting more for just him and leaving you and the boys with less than you need/deserve.
DH has left twice, one marriage, one long relationship, with nothing but his clothes, and he says he wouldn't do it again. But he also wouldn't deprive his girls.

Who wouldn't be tempted

Original poster
isheisnthe · 31/05/2007 11:05

think thats why I am finding it so hard to get my head around really. But at the end of the day I will fight for my boys - no one else is going to.

M & D had said they will not see us go without, but have also said that at the moment they will not step in and pay nursery fees etc as that would be taken in to account if any financial award was given to me. Hehas now stopped my housekeeping money of 400 a month for shopping - oh well - keep it coming mate - makes me more determined

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