Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/05/2007 11:17

Really want to see my solicitor this pm to try and discuss a few things - was thinking of getting her to send him a letter saying he can not sell or remove anything from the house until there is a legal agreement in place?

OP posts:
bananabump · 29/05/2007 11:42

hi, not been through this myself so no practical advice for you but I just wanted to say I've read the entire thread this morning and have sat here half in tears and half wanting to beat this man to a pulp for you. What an utter shit, I can't believe some of the things he'd done and is doing to you.

The whole "wash my shirts" thing was a fucking insult! I'd have cut them to ribbons and/or got the kids to wipe their bums on them a few times first. Cheeky bastard.

The whole way through this thread I have been wondering what his ex wife would have to say to you, if you could talk as friends? I mean, I have no idea how you met him, and how relations are between you and her, but I'd be so intrigued to find out what exactly he did to her, so you know what you're up against!

You really are so strong though, it's easy to see when you read it all in one fell swoop, your boys are lucky to have you. Just stand your ground and don't let him intimidate you, honey. He's the one who cheated on YOU, he's the one who wants to break up, he has no right to take your kids or uproot you, and he KNOWS it, that's why he's panicking and being nasty like a cornered rat.

You know what would really piss him off? Start seeing that estate agent. Even on a fairly platonic level, just as a friend to keep you strong and distract you. When he sees you going out dolled up and coming back smiling, he'll be really pissed off! And christ knows you deserve some happiness, girl!

Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/05/2007 11:59

thanks BB, its crappy but its life at the moment so I know I just have to get on with it - as much as I dont want to

OP posts:
gonnaneedabiggerboat · 29/05/2007 19:10

How did it go with your solicitor this afternoon?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 30/05/2007 08:56

I didnt get to speak with her - but have just got in to work and she has left me a VM so I will have to call back. Had someone to view the house yesterday as well so waiting for feedback from that as well

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 30/05/2007 13:35

well, his solicitor has written to mine to say he disputes that I even have a 50% claim on the house as I have not put as much as him towards it (hello - I have been bringing up our sons as agreed!) but that if i agree not to persue a claim on behalf of our sons he will give me 50% of he equity! Give me whats already mine in law! My names on the deeds, there was no declaration of trust between us where I agreed he had more share etc.

He is also saying he paid of debts for me in the past - they were joint debts! Not mine - he is also sayingthat he has credit card debt that needs to be paid off before the equity can be split!

I just cried when I heard this! How can he not want to provide for his sons? mumblechum - do I have any chance with this or shall I just roll over and play dead and walk away with 50% and my sanity? He knows I always choose the path of least resistance and is relying on that - horrible man

OP posts:
gonnaneedabiggerboat · 30/05/2007 13:41

DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT ROLL OVER

His solicitor is doing exactly the same as him, trying to bully you. You've seent eh letter that was sent to him already and it was the exact opposite of what saying now.

Speak to your solicitor and remember to keep that letter somewhere safe.

Anytime you feel like giving up come on here, we'll all support you and try to keep you going for as long as you need us to.

To repeat what I've said before - what an absolute fuckwit

Original poster
isheisnthe · 30/05/2007 13:58

I just want to fucking forget it - I have had enough - the kids are driving me mad - I am shouting andturning in to the type of smacky, shoutin shitty mum I hate - at this rate hey will want to live with their dad.

He is turning me in to a lunatic - crying at work, shouting, staring in to space - longing for life to be "normal" - I am scared ofthe future, cared of all the responsibility, just plain scared to be honest

OP posts:
hellish · 30/05/2007 14:05

ishe, don't panic, remember how positive you were feeling a few days ago about having your own life back?

The solicitors letter would have really pissed me off too, but they are just out for what they can get, Have you mentioned mediation to your partner?

Keep positive, bad days will come and go - you'll still be there with your boys, living the life you all deserve.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 30/05/2007 14:09

he wont go to mdiation - the shitty thing is tht someone said I will have to provide a years worth of banks statements - and they are awful and show what a spead thrift I have been in the past!

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 30/05/2007 14:09

how humiliating - thought you only had to do that with divorce

OP posts:
FioFio · 30/05/2007 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Dior · 30/05/2007 14:12

Message withdrawn

Original poster
isheisnthe · 30/05/2007 14:16

bt it will say that there have been a few (aherm) visits down the offy - where I have bought us both a bottle of vino - but thats always out of my account - and mainly cos am bored out of my skull in the evenings as he just sits on the PC playing games never utterin a word to me.

I know he is going to try and say I am an alcy - hes going to get very low. And its not true - who on here has a glass of wine n the evenings. Once the boys are in bed I have a fag and a glass of wine - bog deal

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 30/05/2007 14:17

bog meant BIG

OP posts:
Dior · 30/05/2007 14:17

Message withdrawn

FioFio · 30/05/2007 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
isheisnthe · 30/05/2007 14:19

no way - he will only try for the kids if I go for his money -he desnt even want them - makes it worse really - as I feel so sad for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 30/05/2007 14:41

just been a major melt down in the kitchen - all three of us ended up huggin on the kitchen floor crying - ds1 cos he had been told off for hitting ds2, ds2 because he had been hit and me cos I am cross with myself for shouting at ds1 when he has so much going on at the moment

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 30/05/2007 14:47

Bless you xxx

Original poster
isheisnthe · 30/05/2007 14:51
  • gotta get real really havent I - get your head round it girl and get on!! just giving myself a talking to - you lot are going to get pissed off with my melt downs and then I will be v lonely!
OP posts:
VickyLou · 30/05/2007 16:48

Hi Ish,
Having read all through this thread on and off all day I wanted to offer my support as all of us on here are. I have not been in this situation so cannot offer any advice, but just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you and your boys. You have sucha strong personality, dont let this Tw*t egt you down. Stay strong for your boys and hopefuly all 3 of you can come out of this with some sanity left.
What your ex has done and is still doing is utterly disgusting, I am so angry at his actions.

Keep us updated and dont forget we are here to support you.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 30/05/2007 17:37

thanks VL - I will do my hbest - friend hjust given m a pep talk - she says he is running scared - we ALL know what his solicitor said in theletter to him - he is obviously thick and has advised his solicitor to go the other way - oh well!

OP posts:
matilda57 · 30/05/2007 18:59

hun I have just read the whole thread (your posts anyway) and I am totally taken aback at the selfishness and cruelty of the man. I hope you can get him out of the house so you can rest easy, and stop him selling stuff. My heart goes out to you. I just can't believe the cruelty of the man ie blaming you when it was him with a roving eye. Sorry if that makes things worse. He is utterly repulsive, a reptile. When all this is over you will (hopefully) see that you are SO MUCH better off without him. Please get him out of the house - it is hard for the boys to see you all in such turmoil. ((((((((((hug)))))))))))

hellish · 30/05/2007 19:01

Your friend is right, just because he says he wants that, doesnt' mean it will happen.
I remember similar meltdowns, you are under extreme pressure with all this.- your boys will only remember that you are always there.