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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

OP posts:
MiaWallace · 28/05/2007 14:54

Just wanted to say I think you are being very strong and brave.

I'm going through something very similar myself. Thankfully he has now moved out but not before sleeping with his new gf in my bed, then hiding her in the study when I came home.

I'm just starting to get back on track and will be moving out of the house in 2 weeks. I'm now very excited about the future (going to University in October) and wouldn't take him back if my life depended on it.

hellish · 28/05/2007 14:54

Glad you are okay ishe - you saying you bought the boys a toy - reminded me how nice it felt to be in control of my own finances and be able to spend money on what I thought was best. That is a very positive thing to look forward to.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 28/05/2007 15:51

God - if he bought her in my bed I'd have to burn it - with him in it - but for all I know hemay well have!

Hellish - that is what I am really looking forward to, being able to decide if i want a takeaway, bottle of wine, buy the boys a toy, takethem tmacys - and all without the disaproving glare I get from that misserable tight wad! Next time, instead of ging forsomeone a decade older I might do a sadie frost - and go adecade younger and have some fun

OP posts:
gonnaneedabiggerboat · 28/05/2007 20:04

Don't even worry about that, I know its not nice, but he;s proved that in so many ways now. Concentrate on the future not the past.

(by the way have posted here before but have had a name change - various reasons - all boring and won;t go into it here!)

Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/05/2007 06:58

think the realisation may be starting to hit him now I am not pandering or matching to thebeat of his drum - and now he knows this is going to cost him big time

Too late mate - as much as I would want to forgive and forget for me I would never put my children in this vulnerable position again!

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 29/05/2007 07:18

GOSH, ishe, he's really showing his true colours now isn't he???

At least it makes you stronger and more determined to get on with it.

Any idea when he will be moving out, or is he still refusing.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/05/2007 07:21

still refusing BOM - even tho i told him constant coming and going is affecting the boys - ds2 has been up and down every night - i am so tired!
need to speak to my solicitor today - he is trying to sell my car (which i have the sole use of)

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 29/05/2007 07:23

If car is in your name he can't. Poor boys, I forget how old they are. But children are resilient. Once he is gone they will settle quite quickly I should think.
At least you aren't in 2 minds anymore, it does make it easier when they are such an arse you can't wait to see the back of them.
Will he want visitation do you think?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/05/2007 07:26

oh yes - he will want to be father of the year when he is not around the daily ging - I hve seen him do it all before with my SD's.

Car is not in my name unfortunatly - bummer!

Boys are 3 & 4, they are at nursery all day today so I may take a half day and come home for a sleep!

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/05/2007 07:27

grind

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 29/05/2007 07:31

That is a bummer. Your boys will be fine. Pity they will have to spend time with him after. Will he at least be a good dad if it is part time. How is he with the sd's, or do you do most of it??

Why is it so easy for men to walk away??

BandofMothers · 29/05/2007 07:35

at you having a sleep.
DD1 went thru a period of waking LOTS when I was pg with dd2. Was exhausting. Lots of upheaval that year, but she sleeps thru most nights now, and very few wakings when she does wake at all.
They are a good age to bounce back .

Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/05/2007 07:45

I agree - I have to say he is alright with the SD's - although when they were younger it was always me bathing them, bed time, food, he is a good dad for fun things - but kids would starve with him about!

have to say Iam still pretty pissed off with the whole situation and I wish he would he pissed off and had a midlife crisis quietly somewhere - ha ha

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 29/05/2007 07:55

I hope you get enough money from the house that you can be nice and comfy with your boys.
You deserve it. I cna't believe that he thinks you're trying to get it for any other reason than to look after your boys. Men just don't seem to think about things like that do they??

Yet it is our priority. [shrug]

Just keep on thinking how great it will be when you move your stuff into your house and he isn't there. That'll keep you going. Any idea how long it could take.

Freckle · 29/05/2007 08:11

The log book may be in his name, but that only shows the registered keeper. Who paid for the car? If you contributed, then you are the part/owner. Find the log book and hide it.

How dare he try to remove your mobility. I presume he has a car too?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/05/2007 09:04

yea, a flashy company one freckle. BOM, the solicitor said the earliest a court date would be scheduled would be September!

OP posts:
Freckle · 29/05/2007 09:08

Then make a note of everything he is doing to damage your lifestyle (whilst keeping the status quo in his) as this may have some bearing on the equity split.

FioFio · 29/05/2007 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BandofMothers · 29/05/2007 09:09

Stay strong, try to keep busy. Hopefully it'll be here b4 you know it.
Have you at least got a spare room, or ishe banished to the sofa.

Is that your usual mn name???

BandofMothers · 29/05/2007 09:10

and agree about the car. why has he turned so mean when he's the one doing all this to you??

SuGaRCoAteDPoiSOn · 29/05/2007 09:13

nothing to add to the already excellent advice you've been given but wanted to leave you good wishes and support

BandofMothers · 29/05/2007 09:17

just reread op and answered my q about spare room

to say i sometimes get confused with who's who on these long going threads. have to refresh my memory every now and again[sheepish]

Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/05/2007 09:34

he wants to take the car as he wants to trim all the outgoings to the absolute minimum to fund his new lifestyle - in his words "I will be taking the boys out more" which translates to "I dumped the kids at mum and dads saturday when I had them for the day, went to town and spent £120 on 2 shirts".

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 29/05/2007 09:38

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.
That was for you as I'm sure it's what you want to do very loudly in his face.
MEN TUT.........

Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/05/2007 09:41

I want to punch his face in to be honest - as I am so so so bloody angry at what he is doing to our sons.

Losing their beautiful home and stability, prick.

What do they say - don't get mad, get even. The best revenge will be living well and being happy - so thats what I have to concentrate on

OP posts: