think I may have been right

[isheisnthe]

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

have you told your work what is going on?
I told mine because you cant expect to just carry on pretending nothing is wrong - you will crack up.
Please find some support or at least tell your line-manager.

{{{hugs}}}

they know - and they are being great - plenty of people to speak to and my boss has jjust been through a horrid divorce so is being a wealth of knowledge and experience.

I know people say that you will find someone else etc but with so many horrid bastards about (you just need to look on this site!) how could I ever let my gaurd down again

you can & will but it will take time
I have met a man who treats me like a princess compared to my ex
he is great with my children

I still have doubts & it is hard to trust but he understands why I feel like this & is happy to pander to my insecurities when they raise their heads....

dont worry about the future for the moment
just concentrate on securing your family's future & look after yourself
you cant look after your boys if you dont & they need you

wish I was near to give you a RL hug & let you know you will be ok
I know this cos Ive been where you are & listened to MNetters & took strength from their words

how about saying to yourself you will stay at work til lunchtime & then go home sick if still feel bad
that way you're not pressurisig yourself & will probably last the day

its good work knows - my firm have been fantastic & put up with my upset/outbursts & leaving early for over a year!!

isheisnthe I just wanted to say I have read this thread and think that you are being really brave and dignified - I hope things get easier for you.

I only work till unch time anyway - not that I have been doing much work for the last few weeks.

Pretty sure if i keep it up I will be sacked! Surfing mumsnet, looking on rightmove etc.

ishe I am exactly the same. Working full time though, and getting absolutely nothing done except e-mailing dh, looking at web sites on depression/affairs/divorce etc and constantly on MN!
I can feel the sack coming on soon too!!

thanks zookeeper

MLS - then we will really know what its like to have a total melt down eh!

Going to look at a house this afternoon - I know mines not sold etc but want to start preparing the boys thats what we are doing. Plus I am nosy!

well, this is a classic - just had this from him:

it can get messy if you go
ahead with it as i will not stop at that ill go for custody of the boys and
throw everything bar the kitchen sink to achieve it so i strongly suggest
you park it up and start being amicable.

This is me cos I am going for his equity - do you all still think I should stay in the house with this revolting person

Even more reason to stay in the house!

Do NOT get into a slanging match with this nasty piece of work or even rise to the bait. Keep everything through solicitors where possible, know your rights, and keep to the facts.

Go for everything you can get!

And keep that message as evidence. If he does decide to start getting nasty that could go a long way to illustrating the sort of person you're dealing with!

No court in their right mind would award custody to him!

I responded:

get realistic, the children will not go to you what ever happens, you do not even have PR for them so grow up and stop trying to bully me. You are not the main care giver and barely spend a moment with them.

You are leaving your children on a flight of fancy, you have had a relationship outside of our one with Trevor.

Stop acting like a victim and start trying to act in the best interests of our sons. This is an intolerable situation, if you had any balls or the conviction in your decision you would move out.

yes dont say anything
in fact respond saying please dont threaten me - I will be passing anything like this onto my solicitor

dont leave the house
get a lock for your bedroom door & keep all your private stuff in there when you go out.

funny how somoene can switch from being your loving partner to spitting venom at you
I would also say he is threatening you because he is scared of the outcome. He must realise having been through one divorce with kids that he will end up paying for you & the boys. Hes hoping you will cave in under the pressure.

good for you - sounds very calm & absolutely what he needs to hear
lets hope he moves out - why isnt he rushing to Trevor?
maybe its not an option but he is too chicken to try to make the marriage work

either way sounds like his true colours are showing

well done -= you sound strong

fuck fuck fuck fuck - I want this done - finished over with noooooooowwwwwww

Hi Ishe, glad you are being so strong. I agree with others that you should stay in house and then you can sell it if and when you need to and move to your new home with as little truama as poss for your boys. That's what I did and I ended up with a great little house and actally loved owning it myself.
You will feel better, honestly.

Not being flippant but thought might give you a smile - how funny is it that the OW is referred to as Trevor? Maybe you could threaten to tell all his mates about 'Trevor'(not mentioning that Trevor is a woman) and see if that gets him to pack his bags?

Keep a diary of all comments whether via email (in which case save them) or verbal - note them down as soon as you can (with dates and times) so that you have lots of ammunition.

Do not let him bully you - you have done nothing wrong and try really hard to not react to his nastiness as it won;t actually make you feel any better. Kepp as calm and as dignified as you can - whilst scewing him for everything!!!

ISHE been at work today but just popped on and see he has been his delightful self again.
FWIW i think he is panicking. You aren't doing as your told so he goes as low as to threaten you with the boys
Stand your ground i think your un nerving him doing that and he will whether he wants to or not have to come to terms with the fact that you are not going to be pushed over on this.
Stay strong and dignified , he is the one loosing it not you.
Doesn't look like Trevor too keen to have him round though does it

honney keep calm, keep strong you're doing so well. this man (if you cvan call him that) is a bully and by the sounds of it will manipulate you into anything he thinks he can get away with.

talk to your solictor, absolutly DO NOT leave that house, and DO NOT bow to his demands, you have as much right as he does, marrige or not - you are the mother and deserve what is right for you and the boys.

there was a thread a little while ago from a poster by the name of lemmings wife (and others alias's I think) but she has done it so is proof you can do this honney. be storng. and don't give up.

Call his bluff and tell him you expect him to have the boys at some point for a period of time. He will crap it for want of a better expression.
Keep your head up and keep smiling though you may not feel like it.

I may well be wrong, so as everyone has said, get advice - but as you aren;t married does he have any rights to the children?

Maybe the law has changed recently I don;t know, but if you are also able to back up your side with evidence of his bullying there;s no way he'll get your boys, especially if you don't stoop to his level.

Keep strong and keep offering to go to mediation as it will look good for you.

hadan absolutly lovely evening out with best mate last night - was a very positive evening and more than ever I see that he is actually doing me a huge favour.

I went to a mortgage advisor yesterday and gav him best (i get all the equity) middle of the road (I get 75% - the one I think is fair!) and worse - I walk away with my half - all options were doable on te mortgage front so I am feeling very posistive - What ever tat nob does I can still afford a decent home for the boys - which been whats scaring me!

BGD - I really dd feel like saying "have them then" as I know in a million years he doesn't want them but I rose above it - I am not using my boys as a bartering tool (not havin go at you btw, as my first reaction was exactly yours!)

like mishw's advice of keeping a diary of his threats and abuse, and copies of all e-mails etc as evidence. make sure you keep it locked up and hidden though

xx

btw so glad you had a good night and are sounding a lot more positive on the house/mortgage front.

i too am seeing today that my knob rot of a husband has done me a favour in bailing out - i'm better of without him!!!