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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

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LilyLoo · 23/05/2007 10:05

arse, arse , arse, arse for you
for the boys
You get all the good jobs don't you.
How selfish of course you can still be friends, NOT !
I suppose he knows what to expect this time so he isn't prepared to compromise anything.
You did so well with that question it must have been so hard , well done x

LilyLoo · 23/05/2007 10:05

i'm in lol !

isheisnthe · 23/05/2007 10:09

I'm loving the t-shirt!

I can not thank you all enough - the support I have on here is largely what is keeping me sane and strong. Weak moment this morning, but have been pepped up by all of you! Thank you again, you really will never know how much you have helped x x x x

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mishw · 23/05/2007 10:46

If he and EW are still great friends why did they get divorced? They may get on now but I bet for a while they didn't.

He's such a fuckwit for even thinking that you could remain friends after what he's done.

Don't let the tosser intimidate you - find out what your rights are and screw him for every penny

charliecat · 23/05/2007 11:42

Bloody Hell IHIH. And you found time to come over to my thread and prop me up Ive just sat here for a good hour reading this.
What a shit, as someone said before.
Amazing how many of us there is
Chin up.

isheisnthe · 23/05/2007 12:43

Right mumsnetters - I am thinking of moving out and renting a house while waiting for the house to sell. I can not bare to be in the same space of him for a moment longer.

Anyone ever done this - are there repuccsions? I know potentially he could say right, i'm not going to sell and be an arse about it but I am so desperate to give my boys some stability and normailty and to get on with our new, improved lifes before they get any more hurt or confused.....

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charliecat · 23/05/2007 12:55

Dont go yet. Im sure mnetters always say STAY dont know why....someone will be along in a min...

Paddlechick666 · 23/05/2007 12:56

ishe, don't do it. sit tight for now. you have so much more power whilst you are in the house.

i know how desperate the situation is for you and i totally understand the need to take control and to want to move on quickly.

but i honestly think it would be a huge mistake for you to move out now - unless he is being abusive and you can prove that you and the kids are in danger.

rise above his petty shitty ways and be ultimately smug that you will win out over him in every way.

isheisnthe · 23/05/2007 14:04

I know I know - Just want to get on with it now tho

And its going to get hugely nasty when I start going for his equity

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mishw · 23/05/2007 14:17

Beofre you do anything seek legal advice.

I'm sure it must be a horrendous situation for you but please don't do anything rash that will help in the short term but be a mistake for the long term future.

CoffeeCrazedMama · 23/05/2007 14:34

Ishe - I have been following your thread and feel so moved by your situation and for you and your little ones. Just had to butt in - hope you don't mind - to say don't you think this is exactly what he wants to happen? That you are get so stressed out by the situation you give up and move out, giving him possession of the house and power? Remember he knows how you will react to things. Don't let him win. Stay put.

isheisnthe · 23/05/2007 15:48

ok mumsnetters - I will try my best to stay put and pray the house sells quickly

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Paddlechick666 · 23/05/2007 15:52

good decision. well done! now all you have to do is make that your corner stone and stick to it.

at the end of the day you're doing this so that your boys have the financial support that they need.

someone's got to do that in the absence of what seems to be any care or consideration on the part of their daddy.

despite all the crap i have got going on with my h at least he's still paying me a reasonable sum of money - not enough btw but that's another story.....

isheisnthe · 23/05/2007 16:35

thats the next thing to argue about - maintenance for the boys. He hasa private arrangement with the EW so the CSA would not look at that when aseessing him but he has said that if I go he CSA route he will tell EW tget reassessed so I dont get as much. Very fair when the other children are praticially grown up and she hasher own business!

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BigGitDad · 23/05/2007 16:40

Of course he will say these things, don't let him bully you.

Paddlechick666 · 23/05/2007 16:42

the csa will take into account all his children as he declares them it works out at 25% of net salary to be split amongst all the kids.

regardless of the age of the children or the financial standing of the resident parent.

basically it'd be heaps better if you can avoid going to the CSA tbh.

in fact he's better off if he's resident with at least 1 of his kids as that affects what he has to pay to the others..........

LilyLoo · 23/05/2007 16:44

ISHE maybe you need to remind him he cannot bully you into doing what he wants. The more i hear about him the more of a bully he sounds. Tell him you do not care about him or his ex just for you and the boys and for your futures unlike him.
Glad you have decided to stay put ,remember he has been advised to do the same for a reason !
Ignore his bullying tactics and stay strong and determined to get what is rightfully yours and the boys.

hellish · 23/05/2007 17:04

sorry to hear about the terrible times you are going through.
Just wanted to mention, you might want to try The Yorkshire Building Society for mortguage possibilites - they have a mortguuage specially designed for people who are in your situation (can't remember name but something like 'new start. I got mortguage from them after splitting - particulary good as they take into account tax credits, child beneifits etc and even "tax up" your non taxable income.

good luck with everything.

isheisnthe · 23/05/2007 20:29

looked at the yorkshire building society - looks very good and made me feea little more chipper.

just asked him where he is intending to buy and got "don't care" back. I pointed out he should care, he has 4 children and needs to be near them.

God this is ste - he is in there watching the fotball and I am out here, on te net.

ds1 asked after nursery whether daddy didntwant to live with us any more cos he is annoying - its already starting, my sweet little man is blaming himself at 4 because I chose an selfish s head to be his father. Might ask (if this continues) for counselling for him - I can not let them self distruct

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LilyLoo · 23/05/2007 20:33

I would march right in there now switch it off and tell him it's about time he did care.
Ask him to explain to oyur ds the answers to those questions !

Judy1234 · 23/05/2007 20:42

If you're not married you won't have the same legal rights to the house, assets etc so do take some legal advice.

A pity people repeat pattern. Some men seem to do the same things several times, marry, have children then desert them, then repeat, then repeat a 3rd time etc.

isheisnthe · 23/05/2007 20:52

Xenia - I know that - have suggested he gets his nuts cut before he breaks anyone else hrt and destroys 2 childrens futures fool - blind stupid fool.

LL - I told him DS1's comments and was told that I am inventing them to try to make him feel bad! Like I would have the dirty lying horrid untrustworty shit back now

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isheisnthe · 23/05/2007 20:54

when this is done I WILL print this thread so the boys can see - if they ever ask - why? twisted - I hope not - i mean when they are men, not teenagers etc

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mistressmiggins · 23/05/2007 22:30

you should stay put
is there no way you can make him leave?
Why cant you change the locks while he's out?
If you do what I did & only change one, then technically he still has a key to they house....

you need to look after yourself for you & the boys.

am so that this is happening to you
been there; got the t-shirt along with many other women

you are going to have days where you want to beg & feel awful - it is a rollercoaster ride emotionally - wont lie as Im just about at the end 18 mths on BUT it does get better.

in my mind, I try to do what is best for the children so that in years to come they will not turn round & blame me

your poor boy is bound to blame himself cos he is too young to understand my eldest is 5 & he still has sad moments....as their mother you want to protect them & you cant

you are doing really well & please take comfort & support from MNetters - I honestly wouldnt be where I am now without their support - yes I have RL family & friends BUT Mn has definitely helped as a sounding off post & support

xxxx

isheisnthe · 24/05/2007 07:08

this morning I want to phone in sick, get the kids to nursery and hide under the covers for the morning

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