Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

OP posts:
MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 17/05/2007 17:57

Blimey woman - you move fast! Good for you.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 17/05/2007 18:00

i said no tho - I said when he had sold my house for loads of money and gt me another one cheap I would ad we shook on it!

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 17/05/2007 18:00

Have followed this thread and not posted, but have to say I admire you and your DC's are lucky to have such a strong Mom.

Definitely say yes to the Estate Agent!!!

Original poster
isheisnthe · 17/05/2007 18:18

thanks lizzyloo - I appreciate that - don't feel it all the tme yet but thats to be expected. Going away this weekend as well to give him a taste of the life that he is after so desperatly - looking after 4 children by himself ( ours ad his dd's) welcome to my world!

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 17/05/2007 18:22

Well done you! Have a great time

LilyLoo · 17/05/2007 19:58

wow ishe well done you seem to be really focused on what you doing now! The boys will be very proud of you
Can't the estate agent maybe if you had showed him a thing or two he may have been more keen to get you a good deal
Hope you have a lovely weekend away and the boys show dh what real life is all about i.e NOT HIM

Original poster
isheisnthe · 18/05/2007 06:43

just been told he has decided NOT to take the boys with his DD's on the holiday we had booked in June - Can not look after 4 children together apparently..........

OP posts:
spook · 18/05/2007 07:02

That doesn't surprise me in the slightest ihih!
I'm so glad to hear you sounding stronger. You are doing so so well!
Your boys are very lucky.

BandofMothers · 18/05/2007 10:37

4 children together, good god how could you possibly expect him to cope with his own 4 children together, how very unreasonable of you

And good for you with the Estate Agent.[nudge nudge]

Now you know you've still got it. But don't ever let H have it back, even if he decides he does want it back.
Move on and UP, UP, UP.

mumto3girls · 18/05/2007 10:41

I hope you are beginning to wonder what you saw in the weak twat...?

Good on you for the estate agent..you still got it!!

Original poster
isheisnthe · 18/05/2007 11:26

just spoke to the solicitor and she has told me that this could (if he doesnt want to let me have the equity) drag on until december time waiting for a court date

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 18/05/2007 12:56

Well,in a wat that could be good cos he obviously wants tomove onwith hislifequickly, so may feel he should just let you have it.

mumto3girls · 18/05/2007 12:57

way not wat

BandofMothers · 19/05/2007 09:51

you'll get to stay in the house til then tho

Original poster
isheisnthe · 19/05/2007 19:58

I went out last night - had good time but really don't want to have that life

I hated not tucking them in bed a leaving it to him

God I can not stand this situation - I just want to fast forward my life for a year and see where I am.

he pissed off all day to watch the football down the pub - leaving me with the boys and a hangover.

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 19/05/2007 20:24

Ask him to leave. He has decided he doesn't want to be with you sowhy isn't he leaving? He wants his cake and eat it...

Original poster
isheisnthe · 19/05/2007 20:43

I have - he wont - and his solicitor said not too

OP posts:
mistressmiggins · 20/05/2007 20:46

isheisnthe

so sad to read another thread....I am 18 months on from you

I wrote a letter to my ex when I found out about the affair accepting life hadnt been bed of roses & suggesting ways we could move forward - he read it the day I kicked him out

we went on a holiday 6 weeks after the affair & I still feel dirty from having sex with him & trying to make the marriage work - if you saw him on that holiday you would have thought we were madly in love - I cried in the bathroom after sex as I did it to work at the marriage but didnt want to as felt so betrayed

you are entitled to keep the house til the children are 16/18/ finish full time ed.
he is THEN entitled to about 30% of sale of house
you are entitled to 20% of his net salary until that date (2 children)

my children were 18 mths & 3 1/2 yrs
younger one never remembers daddy living with us
older one still makes comments about missing daddy - usually after a weekend at his

but children are resiliant & when young accept life as it is

you wont feel anger for a long time - Im 18 mths on & have only stopped loving him/wanting him back in the last month

you didnt want the marriage to end & you have to grieve

DONT leave the house.
Do you have a double lock on the front door?
i.e a yale lock & a 5 lever lock?
if yes, change the 5 lever lock when hes out.
Technically you havent locked him out the house, just not given him both keys.
He will have to go to court to get the locks changed again & you can then explain that he doesnt love you anymore etc & the marriage is over.
See a solicitor & apply for quick divorce on grounds of adultery or if not that, unreasonable behaviour (not hard to prove)

you will be ok - lots of us on here are proof and although you wont feel like it now, its true - I didnt believe it - you cant as your entire future has been shattered BUT it has infact just been wiped out & you can carve a new future.

I can honestly say I am happier now than when I lived with a man who had no respect for my family

keep your chin up girl
xxxxx

Original poster
isheisnthe · 21/05/2007 07:07

thanks MM - we are not married tho so the rules are slightly different.

I do not want to keep this house - its far too big for just the boys and I and we have only lived in it since September - the mortgage is HUGE and even on interest only, with WTC and his maintenance I would struggle.

I have listed ou all our property (beds, pc, car etc) as we need to decide who gets what bu every time I do that or talk equity he says he doesn't want to talk about it and I am ruhng it but at the same time hasmde it frightenly obvious and clear that there is no going back- and he is right on that score- found mo texts and phone calls to trevor over the weekend - what a horrible slag and as for him - how h can look his children in the face is beyond me.

I am resolved to this now - so may people have told me tht they dont thing I hae been hapy for a long time -and that he will be the loser in the end and slowly I am not having so may moments where I am utterly poleaxed by it anymore - and the sense of fear and panic is slower releasing its grip of my tummy. So, we shall see.....

Going to CAB today as well - sorry this was bit long!

OP posts:
munz · 21/05/2007 08:42

ishe good on you for sounding pratical - you're not ruining (I assume that's what u ment ) things here, as we've all said at somer point of other - he won't sort this out with you cos he wants his cake and eating it. I feel for you a clean break would be best, he seems hell bent thou on dragging it out rubbing your nose in things and leaving you dangaling. v v unfair.

good luck wiht cab today and hope you get some positive things moving

spook · 21/05/2007 09:42

ihih...how are you?
You are making alot of sense and sounding stronger.
I am very sad that you found more stuff on his phone but maybe it has helped you realise there is no turning back.
MistressMiggins speaks alot of sense-there are so many of us out there who have come through this stronger.
I had the EXACT reaction you're getting about not rushing things but what they don't realise is that is exactly what we need to do to make some sense of everything and take back some of the control. I understand completely your need to get it all straight in your head.
It's like they bahave appalingly and then just can't face up to the reality of what they have done. Splitting up assets makes it all seem too real for them.
Men who behave like this are-in essence-chicken shit.
Scared stiff of the future, even though they are getting exactly what they say they want.
I am very proud of you....

Original poster
isheisnthe · 21/05/2007 17:13

CAB were not much help, but I have made some decesions today - I will not buy straight away - I have decided to rent - that way I learn how to budget,pay bills etc without a huge scary mortgage over my head. Have looked at some rental properties on line and there are some nice ones about. I will put my equity in a high interest account and take my timeto buy something tht I both want and can afford.

Will not tell shit face that tho, else he will try and squeeze me on the equity front.

I shake my head a few times a day that it has come to this but the support I have had on here and in RL has been amazing. I will look at this thread in a years time and laugh and myself - but in a not nasty way

OP posts:
LilyLoo · 21/05/2007 20:55

ISHE think that's a good idea about renting , give yourself some time to come to terms with things.
As for him what a complete arrogant arse he is. TBH if it were me i would do the change of locks and send him to stay with Trevor !
Be strong , you will get there in the end. x

mistressmiggins · 21/05/2007 21:01

I would change locks too - I did

the other thing I did, was put a lock on my spare bedroom so that I could keep him away from my computer & other valubles / paper work when he was in house with the kids

he went beserk when he found the lock on the spare room but tough luck

Original poster
isheisnthe · 22/05/2007 07:01

I have been told this morning that he will give me no more than 50% - nob - that is what i am entitled to, not what he is giving me.

He can not get his head around that the boys have a claim for his equity to enable me to house them.

My nasty head is coming out of its shell, I dont give a fuck if every penny of equity goes, I will not have him pissing off with money that should be housing the boys to play chavvy families with sodding slut face trevor.

Apparently I want the money for myself to spite him, not for the children.

Told him that I am out this friday, but perhaps I shouldnt be goig out for 1 night a week without them as he can them claim his reduction from the CSA when we get there?

OP posts: