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Relationships

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Original poster

Doesn't want a girlfriend, how to move on

104 replies

Wanthimomuch · 31/03/2018 10:06

I've been seeing someone for five months who I adore. We get on so well and the sex is the best I've ever had. He has always stopped things moving forwards and I finally talked to him about this. He says he isn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship for the next few months (he does has a lot going on in his personal life to sort).

I've walked away a couple of times and he always comes chasing full on and I start to think that things are changing and go back.

I love seeing him and know that I want to give things between us a go if there is any possibility of it working as I feel so strongly for him. I've tried dates with others before him and never got the same butterflies or connection.

I'm now in a situation where I'm spending time with him but I'm giving him space to sort himself. I don't know if he will be open to a relationship in the future with me or if its just his way of keeping me around.

I met up with a blind date this week for a meal, I wasn't sure but decided I had to widen my life a little. On paper he is great and I do like him very much but he doesn't make me feel excited /give me butterflies, noone does that like the man I can't have. I look at him and just want to rip his clothes off. I feel incredibly guilty for even going on a walk as if I'm cheating. Blind date man seems genuinely keen and I know I should give him a chance but I'm so scared at losing the chance of a relationship with the man i love.

OP posts:

ferriswheel · 31/03/2018 10:11

This is really harsh but im going to say it.

The man you love is not interested.

Blind Date man is.

Original poster

Wanthimomuch · 31/03/2018 10:28

Ferris, that's what I find so hard. Blind date man knows he likes me and is making it clear. If the man I love felt the same surely he'd be making it clear. No matter what is going on in your life, you know what you feel for someone surely? I don't want to put my life on hold because the man I love might turn round and say that he wants a relationship with someone else rather than me but I want to give it every chance of happening with me.

I'm torn. If I tell him about the blind date, I'm effectively telling him I've moved on. He does know how I feel about him. He seems to have similar feelings but is totally messed up after two divorces. Can I take it slowly with blind date man, meet up and get to know him better and see if our lives could be compatible? I don't want to stop seeing him in order to meet blind date man exclusively as blind date might decide its not right and I'd have gambled the man I live for nothing. Argh. I hate this situation I have found myself in.

OP posts:

category12 · 31/03/2018 10:30

You're back-up girl for guy 1.

Original poster

Wanthimomuch · 31/03/2018 10:34

I do have a really good friendship with man 1, we chat a lot in between meeting and get on incredibly well. I'm just scared that I'll wait around and he will tell me he has met someone else. However the thought of not having him around in any capacity makes me feel nauseous, it is as if the more challenge there is, the higher I rate him and the more I want/love him.

OP posts:

pictish · 31/03/2018 10:35

I do feel for you OP...the problem with raw attraction is that it isn’t always reciprocated. I understand that this guy makes you giddy with desire but very sadly, he’s just not that into you. If he was, he’d be all over it and making the effort. As it is he’s effectively told you he’s not that arsed. he likes having sex with you but he doesn’t see you as his potential life partner. It sucks.

I would extricate yourself now simply because the longer you hang on in hope, the harder it will hurt when it becomes apparent that it’s not going to happen.

So sorry. I have been where you are and I know it stings. X

Caselgarcia · 31/03/2018 10:36

If he's not prepared to commit surely he can't expect you to not date others? He knows you want more but he doesn't. I wouldn't make any big decisions, date both and see how it goes with blind date man. Maybe it will fizzle out or maybe other man will sort his feelings out.

pictish · 31/03/2018 10:39

“I'm just scared that I'll wait around and he will tell me he has met someone else.“

It is almost certain that this is what will happen. Sorry. If you stick around hoping he’ll see the light and fall for you, you will end up watching him waltz off, all loved up with someone else which will leave you devastated and wondering what is wrong with you? It’s a recipe for misery imo.
Collect your dignity and walk away on your own terms now. My advice. X

category12 · 31/03/2018 10:46

For guy 1, there are no downsides - he has you waiting for him, giving him attention and he could snap his fingers and you'd go running. Cosy place to be, ego-boosting, and he doesn't even have to lie, just give you a tiny bit of hope he'll one day "be ready".

He's not really your friend while you feel this way about him. Knock it on the head. I bet he's dating.

crimsonlake · 31/03/2018 10:50

He has told you the truth and made it clear that he does not want a girlfriend, so you need to listen to him. Stop wasting your time, move on and good luck.

RainyApril · 31/03/2018 11:04

I don't understand what you're waiting for. He has made it really clear that he doesn't want you as his girlfriend. You will pretend to be friends for awhile, with occasional sex, and you will both be acutely aware of how mismatched your feelings are. Then he will meet someone he does want as a girlfriend and you'll be devastated.

No contact is the only way. Even if you're not interested in Blind Date Man, no contact is the only way to get over the first man and open yourself up to the possibility of someone else.

pictish · 31/03/2018 11:08

Sad fact. Meeting the right person is not something people tend to schedule. It’s something that just happens when it happens.
Generally when someone tells you they aren’t in the right frame of mind for a relationship, they mean they aren’t willing to make room in their life for you.
If the right woman for him happened along he’d be in the right frame of mind in a trice.

Similarly, you are not obliged to give blind date man a chance just because he’s keen. He’s not doing it for you so that’s that. You don’t have to have a man you know...it’s not a case of having to settle for what’s on offer.

Poppins2016 · 31/03/2018 11:18

I was in this situation, OP. The man I was seeing even said 'I'm not In the right place for a full on relationship, don't worry, I know you'll find someone else' and I still tried to convince him (and myself) that he was 'the one' and I didn't want anyone else!

It all came to a head when I emailed him after a period of silence and told him I loved him. He emailed back with a long explanation admitting to caring for me as a friend but being cowardly enough (his words) not to outright say that I wasn't girlfriend material for him. I was told that the sex was fun but that's all it was and it helped him to feel rebellious. He told me that he wished he had the guts to tell me sooner and felt bad for leading me along when I was clearly more interested than he was, but he was flattered and enjoyed the attention. In a nutshell, he admitted to stringing me along and using me.

I felt humiliated and so angry (mostly with myself for allowing it to happen). He had even told me that he 'wasn't in the right place for a relationship' and 'I'd find someone else'! I just didn't listen. Rose tinted glasses are a cliche for a reason...

I met my DH a couple of years later: he was keen from day one, communicates honestly, respects me and puts equal effort into our relationship. That's the kind of man you want to have a relationship with.

Listen to what you're being told. If this man is saying he doesn't want to commit, he doesn't want to commit. Move on. You'll save yourself heartache and you'll get to keep your self respect (unlike me!).

Man 2 might not be 'the one' but the signals he's giving out are what you need to look for in future dates.

is as if the more challenge there is, the higher I rate him and the more I want/love him
Take note of this and listen to your instincts. You're probably feeling butterflies/more excited precisely because this man is out of reach. I bet the minute he (hypothetically) says 'I'm here and I want you', the spark would die.

Gide · 31/03/2018 11:26

Two divorces? Is that not telling you that he’s a commitment phobe? Stop being used, OP.

Original poster

Wanthimomuch · 31/03/2018 11:27

It really helps having other perspectives so thank you. He does have feelings for me and he does show these when he is with me but it never materialised in a relationship. You are right in saying that men make space for someone if they feel it is the right person. He never seems to let me go though, I tell him I need more, he gets upset and he comes back with lots of attention.

Is it awful to meet up with both men in the short term to see how I feel about blind date man as I get to know him and to give man 1 time to see if anything changes?

OP posts:

RidingWindhorses · 31/03/2018 11:35

It's perfectly ok to date two guys as long as you're not having sex with both of them. In the US this is how people date.

However I reckon you're sleeping with guy 1 and just want to date guy 2 on the side. That's not ok.

I'd end it with guy 1, if he comes running you say commitment or nothing, if he won't commit then it's over. Then you're free to date guy 2 with no regrets.

The bottom line is guy 1 is never going to come up with the goods and you can waste as much of your life on him as you want. You will lose guy 2 tho and end up with no-one.

pictish · 31/03/2018 11:36

Nothing will change. He is aware of your feelings but does not return them. He keeps coming back because he’s a user. He knows there’s no future in it but the sex suits him for now. Ask yourself if that’s an honourable way to behave or if he’s exploiting you.
Likewise, don’t keep the other guy dangling like some sort of plan B.
Yes it would be awful to keep him on as a back up while really hoping the other guy will change his mind. Ffs.

category12 · 31/03/2018 11:37

He never seems to let me go though, I tell him I need more, he gets upset and he comes back with lots of attention. He's gameplaying. He wants to keep you around so when you start looking like you'll move on, he dangles just enough to keep you around. Stop falling for it.

He's not your friend. He likes you just fine, he likes having you to fall back on, but he doesn't want to be with you.

You'd be better not seeing both of them, but cutting guy 1 off entirely. Whether you see the other one or not is of no account - might be nice as a distraction, but a bit mean if he's into you = it would basically mean you doing the same thing to guy 2 as guy 1 is doing to you. Which, let me restate, is not being your friend and in fact is using you.

pictish · 31/03/2018 11:41

“Whether you see the other one or not is of no account - might be nice as a distraction, but a bit mean if he's into you = it would basically mean you doing the same thing to guy 2 as guy 1 is doing to you.”

Exactly.

It’s not a case of someone is better than no one. Or at least, it shouldn’t be. Like I said...you don’t have to have a man. Don’t use him like the first guy uses you. That’s not cool.

astoundedgoat · 31/03/2018 11:49

If he was into you, he would be in a relationship with you. He's not into you. He has also been divorced twice, which should tell you that his judgement isn't fabulous, to say the least.

You are 100% single, and whether you are blind date guy again or not, you certainly shouldn't feel bad about it. Guy 1 certainly won't feel bad when he texts you back some day and says "Sorry babe, can't do Saturday - getting married! Didn't I tell you?".

Chippyway · 31/03/2018 11:58

I’m going to be straight

This man does not want to be with you, he only wants you for sex. Why would he ever want more when he’s getting everything he wants? He wants sex with commitments, you’re giving him sex without commitment from him - why on earth would he suddenly decide he wants a relationship with you??

If a man wants to be with you then he’ll make it perfectly clear. This man isn’t. You also don’t have to be with the blind date man? Just because he’s great on paper and interested in you, it doesn’t mean you have to be with him.

You need to cut this man out of your life. Tell him straight, tell him he either commits today or you walk away for good. Block him on everything.

pictish · 31/03/2018 11:59

Also agree that if you want to see blind date guy again, your current relationship (such as it is) should have no bearing on whether or not you do. First guy certainly won’t consider you in the same scenario, he’d be off like a shot and without a backwards glance in your direction.

“Guy 1 certainly won't feel bad when he texts you back some day and says "Sorry babe, can't do Saturday - getting married! Didn't I tell you?"

Might be an extreme example but the gist is basically correct. He’s told you how the land lies and therefore won’t feel obligated to you in the least.

Rudgie47 · 31/03/2018 12:01

I'd knock guy one totally on the head as he is stringing you along and using you. If he was really in love with you or cared deeply for you then nothing elce would matter and you would be his priority. No ifs or buts.
The ciold hards facts are that he doesnt care about you.
You cant force someone to love you, and you are wasting your time with him.
Go out with other people if guy 2 doesnt totally float your boat and have a laugh until you find someone you click with. Dont waste your life hankering after a user which is what guy 1 is.

Weezol · 31/03/2018 12:06

Have you considered just not being with anyone for a couple of months?

Guy 1 is a non starter and you'd only be seeing guy 2 because, well, he'll just have to do for now, because you don't have guy 1.

That's pretty unfair on guy 2 imo.

pictish · 31/03/2018 12:12

I mentioned earlier that I had been in a similar predicament. I did the same sort of thing in revealing my feelings and making the enquiry as to his intentions. He gave me the ‘not in the right place for a relationship’ schtick too. The difference is that I saw that for what it was and ceased being available for him. I went off to lick my wounds and make my peace with the fact that he didn’t want me. He never laid another finger on me again.
As it was, within a few months he was in a committed relationship with someone else (who he then went on to marry and have kids with). He was in the right place for a relationship with her.
I was gutted at the time because I was in love with him but also very glad I had been able to make a sharp exit with my head held high. I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that I would have been cast aside in a second when she appeared on the scene...and I would have had no one to blame but myself because I had been told.

RainyApril · 31/03/2018 12:19

Guy One has made it incredibly clear that he only wants you for sex. He may dress it up with talk of friendship, and of course he's nice when you're with him, but he doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship.

If he wanted you, even a bit, he'd be with you. It wouldn't matter that he'd been burnt by two divorces, or was stressed at work, or whatever. He would like spending time with you so much that he would prioritise it and want to be with you exclusively.

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