Doesn't want a girlfriend, how to move on

[Wanthimomuch]

I've been seeing someone for five months who I adore. We get on so well and the sex is the best I've ever had. He has always stopped things moving forwards and I finally talked to him about this. He says he isn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship for the next few months (he does has a lot going on in his personal life to sort).

I've walked away a couple of times and he always comes chasing full on and I start to think that things are changing and go back.

I love seeing him and know that I want to give things between us a go if there is any possibility of it working as I feel so strongly for him. I've tried dates with others before him and never got the same butterflies or connection.

I'm now in a situation where I'm spending time with him but I'm giving him space to sort himself. I don't know if he will be open to a relationship in the future with me or if its just his way of keeping me around.

I met up with a blind date this week for a meal, I wasn't sure but decided I had to widen my life a little. On paper he is great and I do like him very much but he doesn't make me feel excited /give me butterflies, noone does that like the man I can't have. I look at him and just want to rip his clothes off. I feel incredibly guilty for even going on a walk as if I'm cheating. Blind date man seems genuinely keen and I know I should give him a chance but I'm so scared at losing the chance of a relationship with the man i love.

Those who have said it's a psychological reaction/ adrenaline rush are absolutely right. I think my brain cannot reconcile himand his behaviour so it keeps me in that limbo state.

That's an interesting thought PP who ended up in a relationship with her Head Fucker and found it dull AF.

Sounds like there's no happy ending in these circumstances and it's better to rip the plaster off and get on with life and finding genuine happiness elsewhere.

Go for blind date guy and see how it goes. You aren't losing out on a relationship because you're not in one and won't be.

Trust me I've been there. Total waste of 2 years of my life.

You know what the outcome of this is going to be OP. Something very similar happened to a good friend of mine, he couldn't commit for various reasons & then within 6 months of them splitting he was engaged to someone else. Take care.

I have been in this situation recently from the other side and if someone keeps hanging round and accepting crumbs when really they want more then you loose all respect for them.

I know his friends told him I was using him etc, but to me if I was honest with him about my feelings then I had no reason to feel bad.

Yes I liked him enough for sex/a casual relationship, but always knew he wasn't 'the one'.

I had to cut contact in the end because he didn't have the strength to do it himself.

Hold your head high and walk away.

I was thinking it was partly linked to commitment issues due to his two divorces. He has been single apart from a couple of very short flings for the last eight years. I would have expected a relationship in this time if he was capable of this.

I don't think someone who's been married twice could be said to have commitment issues. He just scared of making another mistake.

I would say that he is right to be scared.

The fact that you would put up with this half life means that you are not a good bet for a committed stable relationship.

Sorry, that sounds a bit harsh.

Sorry, that sounds a bit harsh.

Sorry if someone has already asked the question but, how old are you? Are you much younger than 'twice divorced man'? Do you have children of your own? Are you sure it wise to put everything on hold for this man?
If I were you, I'd date a few more men. Why do you have to choose between two? If you have time to spare, have a few more dates before you decide on the first guy.

My Great Grandma told me “If you’re wondering if a man wants you, he doesn’t. Men are simple are creatures, one track minded. If one wants you, believe me, you’ll know about it.”

Can’t say she’s been wrong yet to be honest.

I would walk away from both of them to be honest.

You are to man A, what man B is to you.
Just not quite enough.

No fault if yours, just not the best match.
In the same way that you say man B is great on paper, but just not enough.

Good luck

Sex with no strings only works when neither of you are in love with the other. You are in love with Man A. He's not in love with you.
Take some time out, block him from contacting you and then put your feet back into the water when you are good and ready. Don't lead someone on now when your heart isn't in it.

OP if he’s been married twice he clearly does not have any commitment issues!

It’s very rare that somebody actually does have commitment issues. Very rare. As I say, it’s a lie people tell themselves when the other person doesn’t want to be with them. It’s easier to believe they’ve got issues instead of facing the fact they just don’t care enough to commit to you.

He’s chosen to be in relationships before. He’s chosen to propose to two women in his lifetime so far. He quite clearly doesn’t have any problems with committing to somebody!

It also doesn’t matter whether he’s had 1 divorce or 100 divorces. What matters is he’s choosing NOT to commit to you - because he just doesn’t want to. If he wanted to be with you, his past wouldn’t matter.

For your own sake stop trying to make excuses as to why he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Just accept it for what it is, he only wants you for sex. That is all. He will meet somebody he truly cares for and you’ll end up heartbroken. The kindest thing you could do for yourself is tell him that you’re walking away because you want different things. If he cares enough he’ll do everything in his power to prove he is ready to commit. If he doesn’t, then you know you’ve done the right thing.

Don’t hang around for a guy who wouldn’t hang around for you.

Have you blocked him yet?

I don’t agree with people who say nobody has commitment issues. Some people really do.

I also think that the more baggage someone has accumulated the harder it is for them to love again.

But this man sounds like a non starter to me. What you’re describing also sounds like limerance to me. You’re just probably addicted to the chemicals produced from having sex with him. And that’s why you can’t give anyone else your time.

The only way to get out of it is to cut him off and be strong and do see or contact him. Otherwise you could have years of misery ahead. It’s not easy and I’ve had to do it myself with someone but the freedom you will have at the end is worth it. And you will feel this for someone else again even though you don’t believe it now.

*dont see or contact him

I’ve experienced limerence before. I stopped seeing the guy. Now if I see him I honestly don’t know what I liked 🧐

This thread is very helpful, some great advice.
Nothing to add OP because I am in the same boat with you. we can do this though

I'm in the same boat, and I am taking in what everyone says. I do believe people have commitment issues though. I would say for the last year I have had commitment issues, and haven't been able to commit to anyone. I came out of a long relationship and have not wanted to be in anything else since.

However, I am starting to realise that aside from sex I get nothing from this guy. I have zero trust with him. He doesn't want me as his girlfriend but expects me to commit to him and not date anyone else, tells me he's doing the same - yet he has a female 'best friend' who he spends so much time with, she is basically like his girlfriend. I guess he's getting the best of both worlds having me too. Ugh, that makes me sick and yet I still am drawn to him.

I'm starting to date again, as soon as I find someone I prefer I'll drop him. I am starting to see the light, it's hard when you start liking someone. However I've taken the rose tinted spectacles off and I KNOW I would NEVER want him as my boyfriend.

I kept hoping that the guy I was in love with seeing would one day see the light and realise what an amazing catch I was.

Only he didn't. I was left with the impression that I wasn't quite enough to win his heart. It didn't stop me rereading all his texts and sending chirpy greetings every now and then to see if he had woken from his stupor.

It's only more recently I've flipazoo'd it and view it as HIM not being enough for ME. I've casually dated since and nobody has given me the flutters. I'm not saying I'm 'all that' but if girl likes boy is greater than boy likes girl, that's just not good enough for me.

Agree with you TwentySmackeroos it's not good enough for me either. However, he is a bit like a drug, well the sex is. To be honest I've never had good sex before so that's why I struggle to stop seeing him. How bad does that sound!
I think being in an 8 year relationship with a mostly low sex drive man who for the last 5 years didn't come near me, I've met this guy and got a bit hooked.

I think the worst thing was I've walked away twice and he's not chased after me or changed his mind. We've ended up saying we'll be friends, but it's never friends is it. I'm going on a date next weekend and the guy is hot and seems really interested in me, just hoping he's decent and will make me want to drop the other loser that I still like

Number one thing is to work on our self esteem. I do KNOW I deserve better, I also know I can get better. I know one day I'll look back on this guy and (aside from the sex) I'll question why I ever went back to someone who didn't want me. Wish I could just walk away, but it's just not that easy.

It's important though not to beat yourself up over this - you feel how you feel, and in time you can train yourself to understand and deconstruct those feelings. I've no regrets; I had a lovely romantic adventure.

Recently someone asked me 'hey, whatever happened with x?' I said it fizzled out. She asked, oh, was it his job (he travels), his ex, his son, commitment issues..? I said in fact it may have been all of those things but at the end of the day he really liked me, but he didn't like me 'enough' to try for a proper relationship. I was surprised I was able to explain this so factually with no angst, so I must have made some progress!

Here is another perspective.

I had come out of a ltr, was single, enjoying my single life. I met a guy through a friend, and we started seeing each other. It was convenient and casual. I had had another ltr right before the one that had just ended and this was the first period of my adult life I'd lived without another person there all the time. However, it was nice to have another person there some of the time. The sex was good. We messaged most days, kept up the string of chit chat. I was always happy to see him. I remember discussing it with friends at the time and them asking if I viewed it as a relationship, or was it becoming on. I did not see it that way, and when asked why, responded that I wasn't 'in that place'. To be honest, and this makes me sound as incredibly selfish as I was, I never considered what kind of place he was in. I guess I just assumed that, like me, he was happy with where things were at. When things happened that at the time struck me as odd but that on reflection were perhaps indications of his attempts to move things forward (e.g his sister tracking me down on fb, enquiring as to our relationship status and inviting me to a birthday party) I made excuses and shrugged off the awkwardness.

One day I went to a friend's birthday dinner. Ended up talking to some other guy who apparently I had crossed paths with before. By the end of the night, it had become apparent that it was never that I wasn't 'in that place', unless I had suddenly and miraculously appeared there that evening. Guy one was ousted without a backwards glance. I did him the courtesy of telling him the truth at least. The fact is, he was (to use a phrase used upthread) a port in a storm. And while I still needed that port it was a fine port, enjoyable, pleasant, and I was more than happy to keep doing what we were doing. It took one encounter with one person with whom I could see a glimpse of a real future before I knocked it on the head. I imagine it was hurtful to the person who perhaps thought things were going somewhere.

If I had been guy one I would rather have made the choice to end things on my terms rather than wait for guy two to make his inevitable appearance.

I struggle to walk away because I hope it will turn into more. If he only wanted sex, he could be putting that effort into sex with someone else who he could see a future with. He has been single a long time and appears to have big trust issues but I do think he would overcome these if he was genuinely wanting something. I’ve never been this infatuated with anyone before and I hate feeling so strongly for him.

'If he only wanted sex, he could be putting that effort into sex with someone else who he could see a future with.'

The problem is that it will never turn into more because you've shown him you're prepared to accept a situation that you're unhappy with and he doesn't have to make any effort. It's quite likely he could behave this way with the next person too. You can't fix him. He's incredibly selfish.

If he only wanted sex, he could be putting that effort into sex with someone else who he could see a future with.

This sentence doesn't make any sense - if he only wants sex, he's got exactly what he wants with you: sex on tap plus the ego-boost of being wanted more than he wants and no risk of him getting hurt by putting himself out there. (Plenty of hurt for you, but he's clearly not bothered about that). He gets the girlfriend experience without any risk and can put you down and pick you up again whenever it suits him.