Doesn't want a girlfriend, how to move on

[Wanthimomuch]

I've been seeing someone for five months who I adore. We get on so well and the sex is the best I've ever had. He has always stopped things moving forwards and I finally talked to him about this. He says he isn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship for the next few months (he does has a lot going on in his personal life to sort).

I've walked away a couple of times and he always comes chasing full on and I start to think that things are changing and go back.

I love seeing him and know that I want to give things between us a go if there is any possibility of it working as I feel so strongly for him. I've tried dates with others before him and never got the same butterflies or connection.

I'm now in a situation where I'm spending time with him but I'm giving him space to sort himself. I don't know if he will be open to a relationship in the future with me or if its just his way of keeping me around.

I met up with a blind date this week for a meal, I wasn't sure but decided I had to widen my life a little. On paper he is great and I do like him very much but he doesn't make me feel excited /give me butterflies, noone does that like the man I can't have. I look at him and just want to rip his clothes off. I feel incredibly guilty for even going on a walk as if I'm cheating. Blind date man seems genuinely keen and I know I should give him a chance but I'm so scared at losing the chance of a relationship with the man i love.

They clearly tell me he is using me, manipulating me, lying to me but I struggle to accept it because of how he is with me in person.

This is exactly how I felt. Nail on head. I can't tell you how this was so exactly the same for me. When we weren't at work we spent nearly all our time on the phone to each other or seeing each other. He took me places that I loved but he didn't. He supported me through a bereavement. I spent time with his parents and even stayed with them several times. He told me so many private things. It was not late night booty calls - it never happened once. Everything felt meaningful. We did valentines - I'd not done that with anyone. He would even email me throughout the day when we were at work just to check in. It felt like he was always considering my feelings. He was different. What we had was different and I couldn't explain to people how it was for us. All I could say was that whilst he said he didn't want a relationship, I knew that deep down he mustn't mean it because of the way he was with me. My brain would not engage because of the way he was with me.

You just don't see, because you don't really want to see, that despite what you have and the way he is with you, he's still not opting to be with you. If you are so right, when you walk away he will come running and ask to commit to you and be with you properly. If he doesn't...well then you know.

Dangling a carrot of a relationship is one of the oldest tricks in the book.

I don't know why being charming to you in person blinds you to his MO.

It's easy to be nice to someone's face particularly if you want to have sex with them. How they treat you is the measure of what they truly think of you.

If you had the complications that he has just now, would you want a relationship or would you be holding off?

Your post suggests that you have feelings that would make the complications take a back seat and would try the relationship. This is as is should be -because you are in love/lust.

Avoid making excuses for him. He seems good enough at that.

From the outside it seems that he doesn't want a long-term relationship WITH YOU and is waiting for someone else to come along to fill that role. In the meantime - you fill the time very nicely and for only a little extra attention now and again.

Accept that you will get over this even though it is going to hurt for a while. I'd say - give him up completely. He isn't behaving like a good friend and you don't feel about him as a friend would.

If you stay in touch it is going take much longer for the feeling to die and for you to see him as he really is.

I could have written this myself, in a very similar situation. However I'm not holding out hope my guy will ever commit to me. I am now starting to date other people, but I can't let go of him. To be honest I will keep him around until maybe I meet someone who makes me want to move on. If he is using me as a part time girlfriend/fwb when it suits him, then I will do the same back. I'm not sleeping with anyone else, but I'm not wasting my time thinking I'll ever have him how I want him. You really have to take a guys words as the truth, and not try and change them.

wanthimmomuch to my eternal shame I never did end it with him, he cheated on me and started ghosting me, but STILL kept me strung along, saying all the right things but being so absent. It wasn’t until my best friend sat me down and said, wouldn’t you rather be with someone who actually wants to be with you? Think how happy you’d be. It was like a lightning bolt. So I told my ex that it was over, but it was laughable because he’d already checked out.

I felt like such a fucking idiot for years afterwards. So ashamed for being so gullible. I’m not saying you should be, I’m just saying as a cautionary tale. It’s so easy to be manipulated but in your gut you know it’s not right.

It really is as simple as if he wanted to be with you, he would be. Nothing else would matter or come in to it. He is saying all the right things to get you where he wants you. But if he had respect for you he would not play that game and string you along.

You deserve so much better Op. cut him loose! X

MrsGorilla - you are absolutely right and your words have really resonated with me as I'm in a similar position myself. I dated this guy briefly about 6 months ago and then it has warped into an occasional FWB arrangement but always on his terms. He'll chase me until I give in believing what he's said about how things will be different this time. That's then followed by a period of the silent treatment for a few weeks before the cycle starts again. He loves the chase, certainly doesn't love me, but so hard to cut him off when for some reason I'm so drawn to him. I know that I'm only hurting myself in the long run as all the time I'm waiting for him I'm shutting myself off from the possibility of meeting someone genuine.

OP - No advice to give I'm afraid as I think everything that's been said has been spot on. When 2 people want to be together they'll make it work. I feel your pain though.

He’s not emotionally attracted or attached to you. That’s why he isn’t commuting. He is physically attracted to you but that’s it. Move on. You deserve better.

Commiting not commuting

Costarichachica, so similar here with the full on attention and connection followed by chats that are 'meaningless' and have no emotional aspect to them.

Mrs Gorilla, I'd be over the moon to feel good again consistently instead of it being based around his contact/behaviour.

Miowimacat, I think I need to follow your lead until I feel brave enough to totally end it. I feel a little more accepting of the fact I'm unlikely to be in a relationship with him in the future and need to look for someone else

costaricachica and OP use the idea of properly being with someone who is committed to you as your motivation to ditch these guys- you will be so happy when you find someone who doesn’t mess you about with emotional fuckwittage. Don’t let them have their cake and eat it and then bugger off to hurt you again. Wishing you all the best and better men in the future!

I used to be in a situation like this, I just couldn't stay away from him

We worked together and it went on for 2 years. I was drawn to him, sexually and emotionally like no-one else I'd ever met. We were also members of the same close friendship group so he was hard to avoid

We'd sleep together regularly probably once a week at least but he would never commit, just said he didn't want to be in a relationship (not with me anyway as it became apparent!)

He did have other relationships during this period but still turned up at my door begging me for sex because "he couldn't stay away from me" (I never once slept with him whilst he was in a relationship)

I tried dating other guys and he acted like I'd broken his heart, professing his love for me but still refusing a proper relationship

Eventually I'd had enough. I told him I shouldn't have to beg him to be in a relationship with me, he should want to be and the fact he had skirted the issue for so long spoke volumes to me. I changed jobs to get away from him and that helped

I still saw him socially and it was hard because he was like a drug to me, it was like a physical pain not to touch him but I had to have some self preservation and once I finally made that decision, there was no going back, for my own sake.

I had to love myself enough to stop loving him before I allowed it (& him) to destroy me. It was so hard but I did it and 6 years on I'm so glad I did. You can do it too

Wanthimomuch - I'd be over the moon to feel good again consistently instead of it being based around his contact/behaviour.

^^ This sounds exactly like how I feel. I know it's pathetic.

MrsGorilla - you're absolutely right! I need to cut him off for my own sake give myself a real chance of finding someone meaningful. If he wanted to be with me we'd be together, and that's what hurts I guess. As others have said, he will eventually find someone else he does want a relationship with and then I'll be even more hurt and humiliated.

polkadotpixie - 2 years! I can see how the time would pass like that though. It's been 6 months for me now and I'm still in the same place I was 5 months ago. Like friends have said to me, dating is supposed to be fun and I'm certainly not having that on this emotional roller coaster when my happiness hinges on whether or not he wants me that week.

I would think that the reason why man 1 is giving you butterflies is because you don't really know where you stand and he's having you hanging on by a thread. It's the physiological reaction, the adrenaline that keeps you hooked.

That's very interesting, Nanny, physical response to uncertainty mistaken for love and true desire.

I came on to say the same thing as Nanny. The intense attraction and butterflies is caused by knowing you’re not valued or desired, not really, but he keeps dangling hope that it might changes...

It’s like when you train a dog to expect a treat, it sits up and is lit up with excitement and desire but it doesn’t actually know what you have in your hand for it. This guy had nothing for you but you’re locked into the ‘sit up and beg’ loop.

I've been in the exact situation OP - since similar to @MaverickSnoopy situation too. They keep you dangling and you go through the rigmarole but they're just not that into you - they just like the sex and companionship but nothing further.

I got royally dumped and it totally broke my heart - try and cut your losses now and save your pride

I had this turned out he just didn't want me as a girlfriend

Walk away it's less painful

Nanny has it. I know this is true of me, and it makes me feel a bit emotionally broken that I feel like that. If he rocked up and said he wanted to be with me properly, if he behaved kindly and fairly and lovingly, I would be bored within three months.
He's even told me this. We had a conversation where I said I needed to hear that he was at least fond of me- He said "You wouldn't be interested if I was all adoring with you though, would you?'

Nanny, I think you are right about the Adrenalin. It feels like such a prize when I do get his attention. Even a text coming through from him gives me this instant lift followed by a dip if it’s an emotionally distant type of text rather than a connected one. He is in touch everyday which makes it hard to get any clarity. I’m constantly thinking what is he doing, who is he with, why doesn’t he want to see me. It really feels like a failure on my part that he won’t offer anything, I keep wondering what is wrong with me that he seems so fond of me yet won’t commit and how can I become someone that he wants and values. I need to raise my self esteem but don’t know where to start.

A good start would be by blocking him and being on your own love.
Theres nothing wrong with you at all, its him who is a user. Please wake up and smell the coffee.

As per Rudgie, your first step to better self esteem is to take control and block him.

Urgh

99% of the time when we claim someone has “commitment issues” its a load of shite. It’s just a lie women tell themselves when a man won’t commit instead of facing the truth - that the man just doesn’t care enough and he’s choosing not to commit. He doesn’t have issues, he just doesnt want to be with you.

Move on OP. He doesn’t feel the same.

I've had a similar experience to others but a very different outcome.

He strung me along for 5 months until I decided enough, I continued to sleep with him but started texting other people and going on dates. I didn't hide this from him and when he picked up my phone and saw a message from another man he decided he wanted me to himself and wanted to commit. So we did. It lasted about a month until I realised that I didn't actual like him, I was infactuated. The sex actually wasn't that good, I had just build it up in my head to be better, I became unattractived to him, all the things I used to find sexy I found annoying. He was clingy and we had nothing in common. I think he just used to say what I wanted to hear but it turned out our morals were very different. I ended things and met my DP literally days later.

When I met DP I realised how much of a loser this old guy actually was, and how a man that's into you will make it clear

You are spot on Chippy

Him not wanting to be with the OP, is not an issue. It’s personal choice