Doesn't want a girlfriend, how to move on

[Wanthimomuch]

I've been seeing someone for five months who I adore. We get on so well and the sex is the best I've ever had. He has always stopped things moving forwards and I finally talked to him about this. He says he isn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship for the next few months (he does has a lot going on in his personal life to sort).

I've walked away a couple of times and he always comes chasing full on and I start to think that things are changing and go back.

I love seeing him and know that I want to give things between us a go if there is any possibility of it working as I feel so strongly for him. I've tried dates with others before him and never got the same butterflies or connection.

I'm now in a situation where I'm spending time with him but I'm giving him space to sort himself. I don't know if he will be open to a relationship in the future with me or if its just his way of keeping me around.

I met up with a blind date this week for a meal, I wasn't sure but decided I had to widen my life a little. On paper he is great and I do like him very much but he doesn't make me feel excited /give me butterflies, noone does that like the man I can't have. I look at him and just want to rip his clothes off. I feel incredibly guilty for even going on a walk as if I'm cheating. Blind date man seems genuinely keen and I know I should give him a chance but I'm so scared at losing the chance of a relationship with the man i love.

Sorry I know I keep posting on this thread...I have found myself invested in it clearly.
So to recap.

1. First guy doesn’t want a relationship with you. That won’t change now.
2. Blind date guy isn’t your second rate substitute. If you like him fine...if he’s just there to fill a gap you would rather was filled by the first guy, have a some decency and leave him alone.
3. You won’t shrivel up and disappear because you’re single.

And with that, I’m going to do something productive elsewhere.
Good luck with it all OP. X

I would not treat blind date man how I have been treated, all I mean is that I’m aware I am not giving him a chance because I’m so hung up on man 1 and maybe I should spend some time platonically with him to see if I can have feelings for someone new. I’m so fixated on man 1 at the moment, it feels impossible to have the sparky feelings for someone else.

I take a break from man 1 for a week or so and seem to get perspective on my life then meet up with him and the lust hormones go wappy. I’ve never met anyone else who has this effect on me and I’m in my 40s with three nearly grown up children. The thought of never kissing him again upsets me but so does the thought of being told he has met someone.

Pictish, I really appreciate your input.
Man 1 - it’s obvious he doesn’t feel enough to commit to me. He has obvious commitment issues/ emotional unavailability issues that he has told me about. I know I’m unlikely to change him but I keep thinking “what if” as if I’m constantly on the verge of it changing.

2- blind date man I do like. He seems a lovely man. I think the problem is I don’t fancy him in the same lustful way as I do man 1 but I’ve never met anyone I’ve felt for as intensely. I wonder if feeling comfortable with someone is something I’ve forgotten is normal, I’m so used to the on off attention and the anxiety/obsession that comes with that type of man.

3- I’ve been on my own for a few years. I’m ok on my own but just miss male company and would really love someone who is there for me and who I can love fully.

Of course you'll get that sparky feeling with someone else but not while you're with number 1!

If you don't fancy number 2 don't see him again.

Break it off with number 1, do yourself a big favour, you'll get over it. I was with someone for 13 months, he broke my heart but I was over him in 3 weeks.

End things with both of them, (not that you’re actually ending anything with guy 1) but, you know what i mean.

Be happy on your own for a bit, guy 1 see’s you fit sex when he can’t get it elsewhere & guy 2 sounds like a wet blanket. Neither of them sound suited for you.

Good luck

I'm always amazed that some women let men treat them so badly.....

I don't really care how much lust hormones kick in when I see someone. If he treats me like shit he's not worth my time.

Cockstruck.

You have to ask yourself this- Am I worth more than just being a shag?
Thats all you are to guy 1, a fuck.

Hopefully you will think you are worth more than this and will be able to see the wood for the trees. Just tell him your done with him and get some self respect back OP.

Is the horn you have for the man really worth the disrespect?

In the long term does it make you feel better or worse?

He has obvious commitment issues/ emotional unavailability issues that he has told me about. I know I’m unlikely to change him but I keep thinking “what if” as if I’m constantly on the verge of it changing
I spent 6 years with someone like this, adored him, and over time got to know his DD and his parents (which I took as a sign that we were moving toward a commitment...).
In the end he fully dumped me, I think because he met someone else (I was certainly replaced within weeks...).
I think its really unlikely you'll change him... And even if he suddenly decided he did want to commit to you, could you be totally confident he really knew that, and that he wouldn't change his mind back? He may not even be capable of it.
I know your heart says to keep trying, and there are no films where the couple struggle with these issues...and then split up- they always go off into the sunset together in films . But in real life its much more likely he won't change, and if you push at all, he may hurt you more yet by demonstrating his independence and sleeping with other women.

Sorry op but you are nothing more than a port in a storm for guy 1. You deserve better than that.

I have been where you are. It is torture.

I met a man and we dated. He treated me so well (except he didn't) - nice restaurants, presents, nice hotels, met his family, long conversations and he made me feel special. Aside from anything else we had a genuine friendship and we supported each other through a lot. I fell in love with him. Completely uncontrollably in love. I told him and he backed away because he had come out of a long term relationship and wasn't ready for another one (apparently) and had had a series of bad relationships. I tried dating other people because I was desperate not to hurt, but all I could think about was him. He came back (over and over) and I could never move on. One day (about 2 weeks after we'd last slept together) he announced via Facebook that he was in a relationship...with someone else. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. It broke me.

The trouble is if you date other people when you are so besotted with someone else, it's never going to work because you are so wrapped up in that person. Even if you start dating blind date guy, you won't really be into the whole thing and you'll never really give him a chance.

You need to find a way to move on. You need to be frank and tell this guy to leave you alone unless he sees a future for you both. You're stalling your life otherwise. I know it feels different and that you have something special (I felt the same), but it's obviously a one way street, because otherwise he would be wrapping you up in his arms.

Btw 9 years after the guy I'd been seeing ended it, he sent me a Facebook message apologising. Now married and with children there was no way in a million years I was responding, but it did make me feel slightly better (for lack of a better word). But I knew I couldn't get pulled into his shit again.

You have to find a way to move on and to believe that there is no future in this.

Op I really think you're doing yourself a disservice by convincing yourself that the issue with Man 1 is 'trust issues' or 'problems with commitment'.

By doing the pop psychology you are telling yourself that there's something wrong with him, that he's damaged, that you can fix him given time.

He's told you that claptrap to keep you dangling. If he thought you were relationship material he'd overcome any residual trust or commitment issues, even if it meant moving slowly.

It is very obvious that he doesn't want you, and we've all been there, and it is sad, but if we could all change the minds of the person we loved there'd never be any unrequited love or divorce. Show him you're better than he thinks you are by blocking him today.

It’s also worth saying that it’s not a kind or a decent person that exploits someone else’s feelings for them for their own gain like this.
If there was a man who I knew was in love with me and to whom I did not return those feelings, there’s no way on earth I’d be seeing him, having sex with him and most importantly, enticing back into a fruitless relationship with me when he tires of being my pseudo boyfriend and attempts to break away.
That would make me a right selfish, manipulative cunt would it not?

You’ve only been together for five months and you’ve already split up twice?

He’s using you for sex. Stop letting him.

Agree with everyone else. Man 1 is using you. You need to go cold turkey. It's infatuation and lust, not love.

Butterflies and great sex are fun but not generally the most solid foundation for a lasting relationship.

I'm in a similar situation OP. It's shit isn't it. I know that realistically, he doesn't want me. He has more or less told me so ("Not in the right place for a relationship at the moment...") But I feel a very real emotional connection, and we send loads of messages to one another daily. I think he's kind of fond of me, otherwise why would he get in touch?

What makes me certain that I have to disconnect is when I tell people about him, and they say "He's an arsehole/using you/not into you", I find myself saying "I know that's what it sounds like, but he's really not like that..." Because I sound pathetic when I say that. It's clearly not true.

He has issues with committing TO YOU. He is emotionally unavailable TO YOU. He's not ready for a relationship WITH YOU. That's what he's saying.

And yes, he will one day tell you he's met someone else. And expect you to be happy for him, because you're his "friend". You deserve better.

Not convinced he has issues. He just wants sex without a relationship - that's what he's got.

Man 1 is stringing you along. You know that deep down but naturally don’t want to see it. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you!!!! It’s that simple. But he doesn’t. I wonder if part of the sex appeal is the fact that you can’t have him. It’s like forbidden fruit.

Either way, desire is both awesome and overrated. I was once ‘with’ a man like your man 1 for three miserable years where he kept me conveniently in a box for sex and seeing me when it suited him and the rest of the time he did whatever the fuck he wanted. So what that the sex was good, I was in a miserable heartbreaking headfuck. I’d take average sex and a solid partner who actually wants to be with me over that any day.

Take your dignity and move on, OP.

Pidlan, that sounds so like me. He does make the effort on a day to day basis to keep in touch although I’ve noticed on/off patterns to this. But yes, everyone I speak to about the situation doesn’t have a single good word to say about it. They clearly tell me he is using me, manipulating me, lying to me but I struggle to accept it because of how he is with me in person. Can I pm you ?

Mrs Gorilla, that’s exactly the situation I’m in. In a box to be taken out and played with when it’s convenient and ignored or kept in the dark about his life when it suits.

How did you force yourself to break away from him? I’ve tried a couple of times and end up going back because I miss him and think so much of him. He’s clever with his wording “ let’s just try and see how things are in a few months” or “ I’m not wanting a proper relationship with anyone right now”. Anything to avoid saying it is me.

I'd go with blind date man. Then other guy is happy with a FWB arrangement and it sounds like he has a bit of baggage.

This springs to mind...although not literally....

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with