How to train a man ?

[Rideforthehills]

Genuine question! My DP can be lovely and voluntarily do useful things around the house, cook a meal, hang out washing, empty a bin but when I ask him to do something his reply is always 'no'.

It doesn't seem to matter how the questions is phrased or how nicely I ask he won't do anything to help me when I directly ask him to.

Example ( 5 mins ago) 'Please can you clear away the bags/shoes/clutter you have left by the door so I can clean the floor'
'No'
' You don't have to do it right now but please can you do it in the next hour or so as I would like to wash the floor.'
'No, don't nag me. I'll do it when I'm ready.'

Now, I'm not looking for the usual responses of "dump him!' 'he is a dick' 'childish loser' - I say those things in my head ;-)

What I need right now is any success stories or psychological tips on how to turn this around. May be from mothers with toddlers who won't tidy their bedrooms ;-)

SO, any one ever successfully trained a man?

Well, this is depressing.

You can't train an adult to do anything.

And you shouldn't want to.

You married him 'sold as seen'.

I know you don't want messages like this but really that's all there is to say.

Or are you actually hoping for a star chart/reward type approach?

You train a dog not a spouse

Just move the bag/coat, surely that's quicker than asking someone else to do it.

You train a dog.

He wouldn’t be doing it to help you though, because cleaning isn’t your responsibility. He’d be doing it to pull his weight as an adult living in a house who needs to contribute his fair share. Right??

Is it the way you ask? Your tone? Could you lighten the tone, and say "Could you move those for a bit while I clean the floor please?"
I would just move them and wash the floor then put them back or clean round them, but that's me.
His replies seem offensive.

I don't think you can make someone bigger than you who doesn't care about your opinion to do something he doesn't want to do.

If you need a short term fix then do what I did when my kids were little and refused to tidy - tell them that in x minutes, anything belonging to them that is not away in the right places is going straight in a bin bag to the charity shop. And then do it.

You need to have a conversation with him. Explain that automatically saying No to any reasonable request and accusing you of nagging, is disrespectful and downright rude.
Does he have some pathetic macho issue of never obeying a woman?

I would respond to him in the same way when he asked me to do something.

Well this is all very serious. I'll take the thread in the light-hearted manner I think it was meant.
Reverse psychology seems to work very well with DD2 (very strong willed 2yo) or, failing that, bribery! She'd do anything for a sweetie!

I’m assuming he has redeeming features that will offset the mild inconvenience of having to put his shoes away before you mop?

You train animals. This is depressing.

Keep a pocket full of treats for when he obeys a command and squirt his face with water when he is disobedient.

I read a book where it was recommended that you ask using, Could you....? That seems to give the person a choice which is more agreeable than directing them.

Didn’t work with my ex . He still said no if ever I asked him to do anything or help me with something. He absolutely hated it however I phrased it.

Men aren't in limited supply, you know? There's no need to settle for a substandard one.

is he a dog?
then he should respond to treats or a whistle

if he isn't a dog then he isn't that lovely after all

Oh my god. Have your married my ex H? Does he fix the sink leak with sellotape.

Well I tell my 5 year old he's not having his tablet all weekend if he doesn't tidy his bedroom and it works for now

Not sure how you plan to train a grown man but good luck

He just says 'no' is he being serious? My response to that would be 'what the actual fuck?' But then that's me!

I'd just stop doing anything at all for him, if he wants to play childish games then so can you!

Well I would never have moved in with someone who treated me or my home like this in the first place. Why did you?

The problem isn't that he's untrained. It's that he thinks you are worthless rubbish. Why are you with someone who thinks so little of you that he will literally refuse to move his fucking shoes. So that you can clean his house, no less?

Can you not just be with someone who loves you? Is that an option at all?

Please find some self-respect. You deserve so much better. It is not you, it’s him.

It depends. If he pulls his weight around the house but has different standards then it's fair enough, but if he expects you to do it then it's not on.

Maybe have a chat and come up with some kind of compromise that you're both happy with.

You can't train someone to have respect for you I'm afraid.

thank you @myusernameisunique for actually getting the tone and spirit of the message!

I also like your suggestion @DontDrinkDontSmoke I think a squirty water bottle should suffice.

Of course I know you can't "train" adult human beings but it is very possible to find techniques and ways to work together in a team or as an individual to change and modify behaviours. You can certainly learn to modify or manage your own ( or everyone who has ever done NLP or CBT or been to couples counselling has wasted their money)

And of course there are more reasons for being with someone than just their ability to put their shoes away when asked! Its just sometimes it damn well pisses me off when he won't! I'd rather have a laugh about it then slowly self-combust, turn into a doormat or file for divorce!

Equally if anyone does have any techniques to prevent the No word I am all ears!!

Can you imagine if a man posted this about a woman?!

Grow up OP and act like an adult! If you aren’t happy with something just speak to him! He’s a man, you know... a human being? Same as you and me. He’s not an alien.