How to train a man ?

[Rideforthehills]

Genuine question! My DP can be lovely and voluntarily do useful things around the house, cook a meal, hang out washing, empty a bin but when I ask him to do something his reply is always 'no'.

It doesn't seem to matter how the questions is phrased or how nicely I ask he won't do anything to help me when I directly ask him to.

Example ( 5 mins ago) 'Please can you clear away the bags/shoes/clutter you have left by the door so I can clean the floor'
'No'
' You don't have to do it right now but please can you do it in the next hour or so as I would like to wash the floor.'
'No, don't nag me. I'll do it when I'm ready.'

Now, I'm not looking for the usual responses of "dump him!' 'he is a dick' 'childish loser' - I say those things in my head ;-)

What I need right now is any success stories or psychological tips on how to turn this around. May be from mothers with toddlers who won't tidy their bedrooms ;-)

SO, any one ever successfully trained a man?

You are washing the floor, why exactly?

Put the remote control on it?

My dp would get up for that

We know enough from what she has written on here that he is enititled and uncooperative it doesn't matter what it's based in. Refusing to your move stuff when someone is trying to clean is incredibly entitled. And immature.

Notice she says 'cook a meal', 'empty a bin' singular. She doesnt say he does half the domestic chores and the cooking but this one thing niggles me. She seems to be grateful that he does anything at all.

The longer I'm on mumsnet the more I realise how mental it is. The amount of people that have taken this seriously, just wow.
Good luck in your husband training OP. I hope you manage to find a technique that works for you!

Yes try Barbara Woodhouse. It's not at all mental to think you can train an adult man.

I do most of that stuff round here. It's not indicative of anything other than I work much less hours and I'm here more and I hate clutter whereas the rest of the family don't really 'see' it. I am not disrespected. At all. Nor is my bar low.

I understand that there unequal partnerships and why people shout about this - rightly so - but I think it's counterproductive and patronising to make such assumptions about the OP.

Well, it's worked. Not so lighthearted now...

The longer I'm on mumsnet the more I realise how mental it is. The amount of people that have taken this seriously, just wow

IDK. I might be old and grumpy but ime a man who doesn't respect me enough to reply reasonably or comply when I ask him to move his own shit isn't worth my time. It's not like I need a man to survive or there aren't multiple already house trained men available.

Life's too short and I'm way too busy to housetrain someone else's manchild.

I'm not finding the OP funny. What's funny about a grown ass man who hasn't learned to put his own shoes away?

Again you're fixing in the clutter and not on the recalcitrance and disrespect damson as if you're reading your own life into the OP's account so far you can't see it objectively.

Yy to Frequency

Or perhaps your DH treats you like shit too

Oh gosh @RidingWindhorses definitely not the case. I have him very well trained .

This is a right smug married thing to say, but threads like these make me so grateful for my DP.

Who in their right mind settles for someone who when asked to do a totally reasonable thing just says "no". What is going on?!

Sex ban should work nicely

Then it's in no way comparable.

^^that was to damson/unique.

When people laugh about men's incompetency and disrespect with that kind of knowing eyeroll and 'haha what are they like?' Chuckle, it really worries me. It's minimising the effect of men who treat women as second class citizens who are there to be walked over.
Sorry but I'm not seeing the humour

Withold sex on the basis that he clearly has no respect for you.

@RidingWindhorses this could've been me though if I hadn't trained him from an early age!

Ah sorry @RidingWindhorses!

Maybe you're a stronger character and maybe your partner is a decent man.

But it's not necessarily a man thing or because he sees it as wife work and it's this assumption that gets me. Why do some women think so little of other women?

I don't know about other families but here we all have different ideas about tidying/clutter. They leave their shoes, I leave my hairdryer and work stuff lying out, daughter sees no issue in collecting cups in her room....not sure where I'm going with this now ...got distracted with RL there....but think what I'm trying to say is just because he leaves his shoes at his ass does not necessarily mean he's an entitled man or OP an oppressed woman. I know when my husband leaves his shoes lying I don't feel oppressed or disrespected and I'd think it odd if people pitied me or assumed my bar was down round knees. I've a bit more about me than that thanks. I suspect OP has too.

Address the curt no and refusal sure but assume her bar is low? That's pretty patronising imo.

But I'm waffling and the thread has gone way off - sorry - so I'll leave it there.

Personally, I would ask the question politely, wait for the resounding No then bin all the stuff I have to move. Maybe not bin it bin it, but definitely unceremoniously dump outside in the rain perhaps. But actually yeah, maybe properly bin it.

I leave my hairdryer in front of DD's mirror but if she asked me to move it so she could clean her floor, I wouldn't just say 'no' and tell her to stop nagging me.

And if she left her shit in my room and didn't move it when asked politely to do so, I'd assume it was rubbish and bin it.

No, Horses. He doesn't. Really. Nothing could be further from the truth. And no training required. But if you want to make that assumption go on ahead. I'd say you've already made your mind up about that. That's fair enough. It's based on words on a screen so I get why you'd say that but no, not the case.

I always remember the bit in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, when the mum is telling her daughter that to get a man to do anything, you have to let him believe it's his idea. Maybe try looking at the clutter and going "hmm, I really should clean the floor this afternoon" and then leave those cogs in his head to start turning