How to train a man ?

[Rideforthehills]

Genuine question! My DP can be lovely and voluntarily do useful things around the house, cook a meal, hang out washing, empty a bin but when I ask him to do something his reply is always 'no'.

It doesn't seem to matter how the questions is phrased or how nicely I ask he won't do anything to help me when I directly ask him to.

Example ( 5 mins ago) 'Please can you clear away the bags/shoes/clutter you have left by the door so I can clean the floor'
'No'
' You don't have to do it right now but please can you do it in the next hour or so as I would like to wash the floor.'
'No, don't nag me. I'll do it when I'm ready.'

Now, I'm not looking for the usual responses of "dump him!' 'he is a dick' 'childish loser' - I say those things in my head ;-)

What I need right now is any success stories or psychological tips on how to turn this around. May be from mothers with toddlers who won't tidy their bedrooms ;-)

SO, any one ever successfully trained a man?

Anything he refuses to tidy away, simply gather it into a pile and leave it on top of the bed covers on his side of the bed

I do this, on the odd occasion DP leaves things lying around with no place to go (‘can you find somewhere for this to be, please?’ ‘Why can’t it be there?’ ‘Because that’s the dining room table and we need to eat!’). When they’re still there a while later I take them and put them on his side of the bed. Or better still in his side of the bed so it’s even more inconvenient for him. After doing this twice in a month it hasn’t happened much since.

My pets have also trained him not to leave things like expensive headphones, wires and shoes lying around. For they are tasty and fun to chew.

But then my DP wouldn’t accuse me of nagging or outright refuse to do something, he’d at least admit straight up he was just being lazy and it was fair game that the cat ate his headphones, or his new collector’s edition something ended up slightly squished in the bed. He also does more washing up and hoovering than I do, and similarly calls me on my lazy habits, like just chucking out my lunchboxes that I ‘haven’t got round to’ cleaning out yet.

It’s the way your DP spoke to you that I find shocking, OP, and the fact you seem to think it’s funny. It’s appalling.

Today 15:23 DamsonOnThisDress - this response is best if you want a light-hearted approach (that is still shocked by the way he spoke to you).

But I think DinahMo just above has the situation sussed.

Stop doing anything. Then when he asks say No and stop nagging.

I have to say I did try the bright and breezy, nothing is going to bother me approach for years. It was pretty soul-destroying.

Shove it all in the bin. He will remember next time you ask him.

Wait till he wants sex and then say "no" or "I'll do it when I'm ready" latter may or may not involve him

see how he feels at being treated the way he treats you.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

Yes, I do agree with you and Dinah. The OP was lighthearted so I was happy to go that way but I did touch on the way he responded.

But I still say that makes him a very rude person and not necessarily entitled misogynistic man. Right, I'm letting it go now, I swear. Done.

I don't know if OP regrets this thread but I think I do. Should've just stuck to regrouting the bathroom.

@Smeaton
'Another woman with a bar so low even Ants struggle to limbo under it'
This exactly.

Of course I know you can't "train" adult human beings but it is very possible to find techniques and ways to work together in a team or as an individual to change and modify behaviours

You say 'can we find techniques and ways to work together as a team to get this job done.'

The thing is, if it was two same sex best friends living together, would OP put up with it? Being the skivvy and told 'not to nag'. It is rude and very immature in a 'you can't tell me what to do way'.

Whether being a housemate or living with a partner, it is about give and take. It won't kill you to spend a minute moving shoes when you end up with a clean floor, and shows disrespect that the floor should be cleaned 'when they're ready'

Laughing a bit at all the furore about the word "training". There are loads of women on MN who say proudly "I have trained my DH never to shit in the upstairs loo" or "I have trained my DC's not to talk to me before my morning coffee". And there are lots of MNetters who say, with complete authority, "'No' is a complete sentence".

To return to the OP: "no" is not a nice answer to a polite request, "in a moment" would be nicer, as long as he actually does do it! It's like a teenager who answers the phone; when asked "is your mum there" simply replies "yeah..." and does nothing.

Talk to him, and emphasise to him that you're already asking nicely. Very important I think is to tell him how it makes you feel - some men need to be told the obvious. See how he reacts. If he's unrepentant in the face of you telling him how it makes you feel, then it is a losing battle.

My DH and I have had conversations about the way we ask each other to do things. My DH is incredibly helpful, does far more housework than I do, but he hated being a teenager, and seriously objects if he's "ordered about" in a way that "reminds him of his mum nagging him". When we started living together I had ways of making requests which seemed innocuous to me, but drove him mad. He'd object if I "demanded him to do something right here, right now" (except in an emergency), or "made demands the second he walked in through the door", or if I put things into his hand without speaking at all. But if I say "would you mind moving the Earth for me in five minutes", he would gladly do so.

It works both ways. It used to wind me up if I asked him to do something later, and he replied "I shan't promise to remember that". I called him out on that, because to me that meant "I shan't even try to remember it". Now he replies "I'll write it down". And, to be fair, he usually does do it.

Change the WiFi password

Open door, throw stuff in rain. Job done. He'll be quicker moving his shit next time.

Something like "I was going to clean the floor now, but I can't because there's lots of clutter on it" or "you can take your clutter off the floor now so that I can clean the floor, or you can clean it, when you feel like it".

The thing is, if it was two same sex best friends living together, would OP put up with it? Being the skivvy and told 'not to nag'. It is rude and very immature in a 'you can't tell me what to do way'.

Have you ever lived in a houseshare? It can kill otherwise wonderful friendships!

You can't train a man, as others have said.

You can sit him down and say that clearly you 'nagging' doesn't work for him, and you doing all the scivving isn't working for you, so rather than end up getting to the stage where you hate and resent him, what does he suggest to help solve the problem areas? This is a joint problem, he needs to be aware you aren't happy, and that he needs to be part of finding the solution to your unhappiness at his behaviour.

If his solution is "you stop nagging and just get on with doing it all without bothering him" then the people telling you to leave are right.

Its a fine line between laughing it away and minimizing OP. I know you are talking about 'training him' to do stuff but it sounds like he is actually training you not to ask.

It really grinds my gears when women put up with disrespectful and rude men and tell themselves it's proof of their sense of humour.

This post has been upsetting to read as my STBXH is similar. He doesn’t say no to stuff, he just doesn’t see that he needs to pick shit up. I have lowered my standards, stopped cleaning, stopped picking up things. He used an old shawl as a draft excluder under the door. It’s been lying the hall for weeks. I slipped on it and so I threw it into his room. He tidied his clothes from the clothes rack but left DS’s. I threw them in STBXH’s room. There were 4 empty toothpaste, 2 empty shampoo bottles, numerous toothbrushes and the bathroom bin overflowing. I refused to pick it up. He said he forgot to bin it - what kind of shitty behaviour is this?

I have now been accused of bullying and passive aggressive behaviour. He says I should ask him but I tell him he’s an able-bodied adult who doesn’t need instructions. He needs to treat the home with more respect. He says I’m abusing him and will call a domestic abuse charity. I can’t tell you how depressed I am. He won’t give me a date for moving out even though he has found a property. I can’t say a single thing without being accused of being bullying or controlling. It’s been utter hell living like this for 14 years. You won’t be able to change or train him. The resentment will just grow. You partner sounds like an utter dick.

Milomonster, I hope he moves out soon.

I'm struggling to laugh at this because I don't find disrespect funny, but I will try to resist telling you to LTB.

Don't tell him to do anything, instead lay out the consequences. So for example "I'm cleaning the floor in half an hour, so if you have anything on the floor it'll get wet". If he doesn't move his stuff, you mop over it.

If he asks you to do anything, you refuse and tell him to stop nagging.

Treat him how he treats you, and he may start to see your point of view.

For those of you who suggest piling up partner’s stuff, mopping over them, binning, etc., (which I think is an entirely reasonable response), how do you deal with accusations of passive aggressive and bullying, which my lazy DH does when I chuck his stuff? He’s repeating it constantly that I’m questioning myself...

Read up on passive aggressive behaviour and educate yourself. His behaviour is far more textbook passive aggressive. Yours is responsive.

Argh, I mean reactive

Read this article

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201706/is-your-partner-passive-aggressive

Is it he or you that is being described?