How to train a man ?

[Rideforthehills]

Genuine question! My DP can be lovely and voluntarily do useful things around the house, cook a meal, hang out washing, empty a bin but when I ask him to do something his reply is always 'no'.

It doesn't seem to matter how the questions is phrased or how nicely I ask he won't do anything to help me when I directly ask him to.

Example ( 5 mins ago) 'Please can you clear away the bags/shoes/clutter you have left by the door so I can clean the floor'
'No'
' You don't have to do it right now but please can you do it in the next hour or so as I would like to wash the floor.'
'No, don't nag me. I'll do it when I'm ready.'

Now, I'm not looking for the usual responses of "dump him!' 'he is a dick' 'childish loser' - I say those things in my head ;-)

What I need right now is any success stories or psychological tips on how to turn this around. May be from mothers with toddlers who won't tidy their bedrooms ;-)

SO, any one ever successfully trained a man?

You don’t train a man. He’s not a circus animal.

You either have a relationship with someone who respects you as an equal and pulls his weight around the shared house doing the shared chores - or you accept that you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the same standards as you and doesn’t think that he should contribute to the care of the household unless it’s absolutely on his terms.

Wash straight over his shoes and stuff.

But you are assuming he wants to change or modify his behaviour Has he suggested that this is the case?

it is very possible to find techniques and ways to work together in a team or as an individual to change and modify behaviours.

That involves both people wanting to. If he wanted to lift his shit off the floor he would.

This thread is so depressing.

Treat him as he treats you?

Live in squalor?

Just don't ask him to do anything?

Lower your standards?

or everyone who has ever done NLP or CBT or been to couples counselling has wasted their money

Yes, they have wasted their money if they did it to try and change SOMEONE ELSE.

You don’t need CBT to stop being an arse. You just decide to stop being an arse.

This thread has worked for me, as I am now laughing about how seriously people are taking this.
And thanks to you all I am now far less inclined to wash the floor at all, let alone move his stuff out the way.
In fact we are both going to leave the floor dirty and go out for the afternoon and have some fun together.
Life is too short.
Thank you all.

OP, you can't turn this around. You're in a relationships with an entitled lazy unco-operative arse. Who thinks domestic work is for wimin.

The only fix is to accept that you've made a mistake and find someone better.

If his mother didn't do it you are wasting your time even trying.
That's a terrible attitude to take to anyone who asks for help, let alone someone you are supposed to love.

Xpost. Life is indeed too short. But some people have very low self worth and very low expectations of men. Good luck, you're going to need it.

A cattle prod is your friend....

But this could work:

www.petsuppliesbuy.com/dog-training-collar-with-wireless-remote-waterproofrechargeable-p-1.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIzo3LtJuU2gIVYrftCh2mUwzYEAQYASABEgLZsPD_BwE

If I was told 'No', he'd get my most indignant and incredulous, "Don't you tell me 'no'!". Eyes like saucers, my eyebrows would shoot up into my hairline, never to be seen again, and I'd fix him with my very best death stare until he exploded, taking his clutter with him. Job done.

Or try positive reinforcement. Treat him immediately when he's a good boy. Works with my dog. This takes time and patience. Perhaps he can suggest something he thinks will motivate him (but you know where that will go!) Don't try that with the dog. They prefer cheese.

Seriously though we have a system. I set time limits. Lift it within x mins/hrs/days or I will. They know that means I will bin it. My logic being, you leave it at your arse you're telling me it's crap and I'll deal with it thus. Only once did they test it.

Or failing that: baskets. I have baskets for everything. Shoe baskets, key basket, charger basket...love my baskets.

Best day out for me is Ikea looking at storage solutions.

Oh hey lets all just laugh and be light-hearted abou men disrespecting women. Because it's so funny. I dont care if that makes me a sour old hag.

Well it'll either be a bin by job (whoops assumed you didn't want/need those)

Or it's a NO from me for the next 3 things he asked!

Can you bring me a drink NO
What are you making for tea? Nothing

If there was a pile of washing upstairs and DH asked me to go and put them away while I was having a quiet moment with bath cuppa I'd say no. Why should her DH does what she tells him? Assuming he usually takes half the responsibility for housework that is.

Life is too short and we're having so much fun! simper Sure, sure. Whatever gets you through, op.

Bung his stuff in a box. Explain that you'll do that every time. He'll get the message, eventually.
Yes, life is too short to deal with this kind of crap, so sort it out now.
Have a lovely afternoon - you can mop later.

Being rude and being lackadaisical about clutter is not necessarily indicative of inherent misogyny.

I wouldn't patronise OP by assuming she's some kind of oppressed woman. If she came on saying she was at low ebb because of his treatment that would be a different matter. She's not so I'm not apologising for approaching it lightheartedly.

I've had similar clutter issues- not the "No" - with my kids and husband. They are not disrespectful to women and I'm far from a downtrodden, put upon woman so I think it would actually be disrespectful to OP to assume she was.

I should add I would tackle the "No" though. Wouldn't have that.

If his mother didn't do it you are wasting your time even trying.

Just his mother?

Damson - this isn't about clutter it's about respect and entitlement.

Anything he refuses to tidy away, simply gather it into a pile and leave it on top of the bed covers on his side of the bed. Then he has to tidy up before he goes to sleep but you don’t have to ask.
Proves a great point, especially when it’s dirty dishes or something very random!

We don't know that. We don't know enough about their relationship to jump to the conclusion it's entitlement based on gender or anything else.

I actually really dislike this assumption and feel it's demeaning to women. I am vehemently opposed to misogyny but I do not get my self worth from others or where they leave their shoes. I have much more about me than that. I assume the OP has too. think it's wrong to assume that OP is some poor little woman. That to me is disrespectful.