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Original poster

Dating men over 40 who've never married or had kids

66 replies

LiteraryDevil · 28/03/2018 22:24

Hi, fairly new here but have been wondering about this for a while. I'm recently back on the dating scene after ending my relationship with a divorced man who had two kids. His relationship with his ex wife was still very involved and he was essentially still emotionally married. Anyway, I've been thinking about changing my approach but wondering if men over the age of 40 who've never been married/in a long term relationship and/or don't have kids are a red flag in themselves? I tend to give the benefit of the doubt but do wonder how they have stayed single and childless for so long and if it often (not always) means there's some major personality flaws or issues. Or have they just been unlucky in love? What do you think? Anyone with experience to share?

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 29/03/2018 14:16

I'm in a relationship with one.

Very nice guy, never really had any LTRs though, so really has no clue how it's supposed to go. And, while I never minded talking a younger man through a relationship and its ups and downs, there's something disconcerting about telling a man in his fifties that he's allowed to hold my hand in public, etc.

There's no baggage, which is a plus, but set in his (ASD) ways, which isn't.

TheNaze73 · 29/03/2018 15:45

I think this works both ways. Some childless people (by all means not all but, a lot) over 40 both male & female can’t get past the fact that they’ll never be the most important in the other person’s life.

lubeybooby · 29/03/2018 15:54

My Dp was 40 and never married or had kids when we got together. It was down to social anxiety problems which he's now beaten. He is the best partner in the world. Depends on the individual!

Blaablaablaa · 29/03/2018 19:01

My DH was 41 when I met him. Had one long term relationship which broke down fairly amicably a couple of years previously. No kids cos she didn't want them and they never got round to getting married.

He's by far the best partner I've ever had. Sociable, established in his career and comfortable in himself. We were married and pregnant relatively quickly. The best bit is he lived alone for a number of years so knows the responsibility that comes with running a house so pulls his weight with both housework and childcare.

UkuleleRose · 29/03/2018 19:50

^Ukelerose why is that?

PPs I am definitely not judging, I'm just wondering as to the reasons why they might be single and not have kids. I maybe could have phrased it better.^

Literary, I've dated two NMNK +40-year-olds and known two others for quite a number of years. As delightful as they all can be, they were also self-centered, thoughtless, selfish, and terrified of commitment. Fine for friendship, but not for dating, at least not for me. Of course, YMMV. :-)

Original poster
LiteraryDevil · 29/03/2018 20:23

Thanks ukulelerose Smile

OP posts:
UkuleleRose · 29/03/2018 20:37

I hope you find a good one and that he has a brother. ;-)

annandale · 29/03/2018 20:43

I personally think there is always a reason why someone has not been married /ltrs by 40. You just have to work out if you can really live with it.

Lovemusic33 · 29/03/2018 20:48

I have been OLD for quite a while, my last partner had 2 children and I found it too much (trouble with ex, trouble with his kids behaviour round my dc’s), so since I have been back on line dating I have been looking for someone with either grown up children or no children. I have been on a few dates with men who have never had children, some have been really odd, some don’t seem to have grown up and others have just not been understanding about me having children. I still live in hope that I will find someone in their 40’s, with no children that hasn’t got issues, I’m sure there are some out there.

Remote1candles · 29/03/2018 20:49

A friend of ours got married last year. He is in his early forties and has not previously lived with anyone, been married or had children. He and his wife are happy and adore their new baby. Sometimes it takes people a while to find the right person, or decide that they want to concentrate more on their career perhaps earlier on.

So I wouldn't rule out dating someone who hadn't been married previously, but would probably be wondering why not. It doesn't necessarily mean there is any particular reason though.

Blaablaablaa · 29/03/2018 20:51

Sometimes they reason is just that they've been unlucky, not met the right person etc.. It doesn't have to be a negative. Give me a man who's lived on his own and knows his way round a kitchen over a man baby who has only ever lived with his mum and expects his wife to fulfil that role.

I've had both and know which I prefer.

LanaorAna2 · 29/03/2018 20:51

Absolutely not a red flag. To be honest, divorces and stepchildren are more of a worry to most people.

Bluebelle38 · 29/03/2018 20:58

How can you generalise a whole segment of the population? I met my partner at 41. I had never been married (made some bad relationship choices), didn't have children (knew in my 20s I didn't want them). My partner was then 38 when we met and never married or had kids (also doesn't want them).

We are very happy four years on. I am delighted we found each other.

FailingTheBoyfriendExam · 29/03/2018 21:01

Well, I'm late 40s, never been married and never had kids. Although not currently single, but met my current g/f on a dating site last year.

Why was I single? Er - for the same reasons people who have been married and have kids are!

Never had children because I never wanted any - I am not a big fan of small children and would not date somebody who had them. However, my previous girlfriend had 2 (17 and 21 when we started dating), we stayed together for 4.5 years and I fully understood (and had no problem with) the fact that I would always come second to them.

Never married because - despite some long relationships (7 years), I never felt I had met 'the one'. However, my previous girlfriend was that, and I would happily have married her but thought it unlikely she would after the pain of get first marriage (25 years) ending.

Ironically - at least according to the comments on this thread - my current girlfriend thinks that my lack of kids and ex wife makes me a bit of a catch - 'no baggage'.

OutofSyncGirl · 29/03/2018 23:34

I think the main red flag is no notable long term relationship rather than no children. Because it generally shows the person is simply incapable of holding down a relationship.

Bluebelle38 · 30/03/2018 04:40

Incapable? Perhaps they know when a relationship isn't worth holding on to. Plenty of people stay in unhealthy long- term relationships out of fear of being alone. How long is a long-term relationship?

rumred · 30/03/2018 05:13

Having children and getting married are common not normal.

I know tossers who have done both.
I don't assume all people with children or spouses are tossers
Judge people by their behaviour not social norms.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 30/03/2018 05:19

I actually think this is quite an offensive viewpoint. I have never married or had children and I am perfectly normal (woman). I just have never wanted either things.
Surely a man without kids is preferable to one with them anyway? Less "baggage"

Bluebelle38 · 30/03/2018 07:10

Totally agree, thatmustbenigel. Who would prefer that over an independent man that doesn't have to fit you into his "other" life.

Man with ex wife and kids. Sounds like potential to be hell. 🤣

WelshGirl2 · 30/03/2018 08:17

I actually think this is quite an offensive viewpoint. I have never married or had children and I am perfectly normal (woman). I just have never wanted either things.

I agree. I am also a woman in her early 40s, no children, never been married, never had a long term relationship. I am as 'normal' as anyone is, I am capable of having longstanding, close friendships.

There is nothing inherently wrong with me, I am just very shy, and (until very recently) had not been brave enough to chat up a man or ask someone on a date. Other than a handful of dates from online dating, i had also not been asked on a date, so haven't had the opportunity to develop a long term relationship.

I am currently seeing someone who has been in a long term relationship and he has no problem or concerns with my lack of romantic experience. I would never judge a man who had no experience, and as pps have said would like the fact that someone had less potential baggage.

OutofSyncGirl · 30/03/2018 08:19

It's a generalisation but it can sometimes be a good indicator. Most of us are just speaking from dating experience. If someone has never a relationship by 40 then usually it's because of their issues/ behaviour and not because they haven't met the right person.

OutofSyncGirl · 30/03/2018 08:21

Note that I am not saying in every single case.

CestLaVie1975 · 30/03/2018 09:00

i know someone who has been married twice and in currently in a LTR of 5 years he doesn’t want to be in And has a 4 year old son. Believe me when I say he is a walking talking red flag.

Me on the other hand I’m 42, never been married or had kids and I like to think I’m very normal I’ve just never been lucky enough to meet that right guy. So does that also make me a red flag ... to me I’m just plain unlucky but to others I must have issues.

tierraJ · 30/03/2018 09:02

I'm 41, never been married or had kids.

I've spent most of my 30s suffering with serious MH problems (I've finally been diagnosed with schizo affective disorder), now I feel more or less well & always take my meds so anyone would be shocked to know what is wrong with me.
So I didn't meet a man in my 30s.

In my 20 s I was a real party girl & although I wanted to settle down I attracted totally the wrong men.

Now that I look well & take care of my appearance I have started to attract men & am dating. I'm also trying OLD but I'm quite shy.

I would have loved to have a baby but my psychiatrist has made it clear they would want me to have a supportive partner - and I'm running out of time I know.

Plus I can't be honest about my MH problems or a man would run a mile!!

So yes there are often reasons someone hasn't settled down before their 40s.

seedsofchocolate · 30/03/2018 09:20

50 ok, but 40? These days! Nah.

There are many reasons why someone may not have settled down and had kids by this age.

I think it's a cliched red flag. I know many accomplished men and women who haven't managed this milestone by 40.

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