Dating men over 40 who've never married or had kids

[LiteraryDevil]

Hi, fairly new here but have been wondering about this for a while. I'm recently back on the dating scene after ending my relationship with a divorced man who had two kids. His relationship with his ex wife was still very involved and he was essentially still emotionally married. Anyway, I've been thinking about changing my approach but wondering if men over the age of 40 who've never been married/in a long term relationship and/or don't have kids are a red flag in themselves? I tend to give the benefit of the doubt but do wonder how they have stayed single and childless for so long and if it often (not always) means there's some major personality flaws or issues. Or have they just been unlucky in love? What do you think? Anyone with experience to share?

You could be describing my DBro (relationship history is not entitely blank, but he's never cohabited or had a relationship that's lasted more than a couple of years).

He's kind (a much underrated quality) clever, solvent but I think I'd have to describe him as a bit peculiar/eccentric. But that eccentricity is all very obvious - AFAIK there's no hidden side - so if you liked a man like him enough to date him beyond a handful of dates, then I think there would be potential.

I think it's a shame he doesn't have DC. I think he'd make a great father - because he's lovely (memorable) uncle.

My partner of 4 years who I met OLD has never married or had children, but he's kept in touch with the (now adult) children from two previous relationships.

I have a daughter with some pretty challenging mental health and other issues; a wonderful grandson with behavioural problems; a very irritating exH whose cat we have to take care of when he's away (!) and a whole lot of difficult other family things going on with elderly relatives.

He is my rock through all of this, has helped them and me emotionally, financially, practically - my children think he is great. I admit I was a bit anxious when we first met, but thank goodness I trusted my instincts, and him.

All I know is my ex has been in two serious long term relationships, engaged twice and has a kid, but is a prize arsehole.

There's a lovely older man in work who's never had either, and he's considerate, smart, funny, charming and should have been a real catch for someone equally lovely.

I'm 40 in a couple of months, never been married and no children.

I'd hate to think someone was raising a red flag for it! I feel that life has somehow passed me by and there's no real reason for it, just a series of bad choices in men (and I think we've all been there!)

My sister is 39 never been married no kids - she's not desperate to have kids though.

She moved out at 19 to live with an older boyfriend for a few years who was abusive.

Then had another ltr with a controlling man for 6 years.

One ltr with an abusive cocklodger.

Then 2 relationships with soldiers, one separated who kept going back to his ex.

Basically my sister is lovely, beautiful & intelligent, her only flaw is she's not assertive with men.

Sometimes the reason is just that they've been unlucky, not met the right person

Or maybe met the right person but that person didn’t feel the same way. I think the older you become the harder it is to find someone.
Just my thoughts

Thanks for the replies and interesting viewpoints.

I'm 40, never been married, never had children.

My reasons where as follows:

1. I didn't want to have children until I could provide for them. My LTgf didn't want to wait that long.
2. I didn't want to get married until I was with someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I thought I found that person, and she cheated on me. Then she kicked me out into the street, in favour of her younger man.

Summary: don't assume every guy who isn't married by 40 has a problem. Sometimes, bad things happen to people. Sometimes, people choose the wrong partners.

Go into a relationship with no expectations, except that of mutual respect and attraction.

A lot of well off men in my circle wait until they’re 40 before settling down, but in that circuit the preferred woman tends to be 20s-30s and also unmarried & without kids.

I would view it as a bit of a red flag if a man without any history of dating women with kids then goes on to date a woman with 3 kids. If only that the jump from 0 kids to 3 kids that aren’t your own is huge.

Thing is, everyone is single for a reason by the time they're in their forties. Whether that's because a relationship worked for a long time then didn't, or because of a series of unlucky choices, or because of focusing on something else, or due to MH problems, or due to bereavement, or perhaps caring responsibilities. But at this age, we all come with baggage.

There's no hard and fast rule I think about what category of baggage is a red flag. For some divorced people, they may well be well over the marriage split and amicably co-parenting. For others, they're stuck in a toxic cycle that is way worse for any future partner to take on than someone who is, say, a little shy and eccentric. Then there are others who have never been in a relationship because they're inflexible or controlling or cruel, which again is a worse situation to get into than someone with kids and an ex who yes may have a lot on their plate but actually is spinning the plates well and can prioritize and be respectful of a new partner.

So I don't think it's possible to say really. None of us are perfect and all of us have lived - it's how we've learned from our experiences and how we approach life that's important.

I think you need to judge each individual.

The one scenario which I would find very off-putting is a middle aged single man living at home with his parents not properly paying his way and having his mum wait on him hand and foot. This sort of manchild is rarely good relationship material.

This is a really old thread!

I met DP when he was in his early 40’s. never married and no kids. I had been in a 20ys + marriage 3 DC. We have been together 12 yrs now and very happy. He had travelled a lot with work over the years and lived in different countries so never stood still long enough for LTR or kids.

Conversely if someone is divorced surely that is a red flag if we’re going to make genralisations. Of the men I know in that position there really isn’t any common denominator behind their childless and single status. You are over thinking it.

Hey all. This must be an American site as you woman just think to much. I'm a man, 49, never been married and no kids.. Reason is simple.. It just does not appeal to some men, women who break a guy a few times, puts guys off women. As, you get older, you just don't want all the hassle of kids, specially when you see all the hassle other guys go through. That's all there is to it. So sorry if I've burst your bubble. Have a great day.

Oops. Sorry, Tiny, but you're trying to join a conversation which happened over a year ago! Not sure any of those who were chatting will ever notice your little nuggets of wisdom...