Imagine I'm your neighbour

[user1487175389]

You're the mother and resident parent of a child the same age as mine. We've known each other for several years. I regularly (without your knowledge) arrange with the child's non-resident parent (who lives 10 miles away) to have your 8 year old round to play at my house without your knowledge.

I seem to know exactly which weekends your child spends with you and I don't contact you for playdates when she's with you. On several occasions I have taken your child out for higher risk activities and again you were not informed and only found out when the children told you. I'm aware there your ex was abusive to you and that he is likely to keep these things from you. Do you think I'm strange at all?

Mediation is not usually recommended when there is a abuse involved.

Do you have a Child Arrangement Order?

Of course your concern for your child is valid, I don't think anyone has said otherwise. BUT unless you have cause to worry about your DD's welfare then I don't think a Court will force your ex to inform you exactly where he takes his DD when under his care.

My ex does lots of odd things, and in fact one situation did trigger a safeguarding check by a professional, but mostly I just have to let him get on with it. Or go back to Court.

User I am glad you've had advice from the NSPCC I always find them helpful but Orig is right, mediation is going to throw up more problems - if you have a CAO you could look at having it reviewed, or if you don't have one, now's the time. A friend of mine did get the judge to look at her arrangements as every time she dropped her kids off, her Ex would simply take them to whichever of his friends was available and leave them there for the weekend, just so as to spite her.

Did you have a solicitor when you split?

From you saying the relationship was abusive I’m getting vibes of ‘ I can do whatever I like with our child under your nose and you can’t do a thing’ I guess this is ultimately how you feel about it.

Yes and no. I did have a solicitor, but in hindsight it probably would have been more helpful to stick a suit on my cat and spend £400 on something useful. (I.e she was hopeless - took my money, lied about helping me and once we got to court basically told me I had to agree to what ex was demanding).

Thinking about it, I agree mediation probably isn't going to help me, but I thought the knowledge of that advice might help someone else.

Yes, Ichi it's definitely along those lines. Everything from separation onwards feels like a nightmare I can't manage to wake up from.

TheOrig - I disagree. Did you miss all the posts saying 'it's NONE of your business!'?

Just to be absolutely clear - the NSPCC were emphatic that it absolutely is my business and that parental responsibility isn'tabout two people making entirely different and separate decisions and one person's concerns being completely disregarded. Where there are concerns of this nature we are supposed to decide together how to handle it. (Ha fucking ha) but still.

But it isn’t your business and the NSPCC call centre operator is not going to be a lawyer. Unless you have a reason to tell the court that means your daughter should not be at your neighbour’s house, the court will not make such an order. If your ex has a court order giving him access, it’s up to him what he does on those days. You feeling a bit weird about it isn’t enough to stop it.

Yes, and we are saying you need to sort it out legally. The NCPCC can say what they like, what you legally have a right to know is a different matter. That they suggested mediation indicates that they are aware of this.

You're not really grasping the situation Rainy
I am, I just disagree with you.

RainyApril 😂😂

You sound like your just trying to fuck up this arrangement to be honest and you're using your daughter's medical condition to give wright to your argument which is wrong.

It seems he can have dd but the medical condition is only affected if she is at neighbours.

I think if you trust him with her then you have to trust him regardless of where he takes dd.

Yeah, thanks, but I'm going to go with the professional opinion rather than that of some some weirdly paranoid MRAs. When did this become Men'snet?

The professional opinion of someone who is just paid to answer phones and write stuff down

The professional person who has the power to ask the police to remove a child if needed, actually. Careful, your ignorance is showing.

When did this become Men'snet?

It's not a 'women only' forum.

Look at the logo at the top of the page.

You have the power to report it to the police if you think it’s necessary OP, but you haven’t.

Yes but I think it's aimed at men who are in favour of child protection rather than running the reputation NSPCC employees, and a concerned parent into the ground for some very spurious reasons. I suppose the trans debacle has attracted the MRAs and they've stayed for the details about the lives of children and the platform from which to attack mothers.

I'm not going to go into details here about who has the power to have a child removed and who doesn't because a) it's not relevant here and b) it's just fuelling the trolls and gfs. Thanks to everyone who was helpful and supportive. You've made a big difference and given me the confidence to stand my ground and trust my instincts.

Did I miss the bit where you finally said what the risky activity is that they subject her to?

And I think that, if you were genuinely worried about a child protection issue, that would've featured in your op instead of being drip fed as an aside later on to bolster your story.

And fwiw, the nspcc advice would have been based on the facts as provided by you. Whether you receive support from the courts depends entirely on how those facts bear up under scrutiny.

Fwiw I have supported countless women on here over the past decade or so, but what you want to happen, based on what you've provided here, is unfair.

I think you could've approached it differently with your ex and your neighbour and received more cooperation than you're likely to get now.

OP I understand your concern. But then you said yourself that you used to do plenty of play dates together but after your concern about her husband you made sure you were present. Here is your answer for the behaviour of your neighbour.
She doesn’t want you present for play dates, hence she contacts your ex. To be honest I never understood parents who insistsed on being present for play dates and avoided them. I know you don’t like her husband but she doesn’t understand that and just tries to avoid your presence and have children enjoying play date.

I don't think it's that unusual to use child's existing friends for play date or babysitting. It's the secrecy that's weird, and worrying.
Can you not just speak to the neighbour, or happen to bump into them when your child is there?

What is mra?

Well, that escalated quickly!

You take the child on high risk activities without telling the mother on the permission of her abusive exH? Wtf you playing at???!

WE don’t know how high risk they are - it could range from trampolining near emergency services to mountain climbing in the wilds of Scotland - we have no context