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Original poster

Imagine I'm your neighbour

150 replies

user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 07:11

You're the mother and resident parent of a child the same age as mine. We've known each other for several years. I regularly (without your knowledge) arrange with the child's non-resident parent (who lives 10 miles away) to have your 8 year old round to play at my house without your knowledge.

I seem to know exactly which weekends your child spends with you and I don't contact you for playdates when she's with you. On several occasions I have taken your child out for higher risk activities and again you were not informed and only found out when the children told you. I'm aware there your ex was abusive to you and that he is likely to keep these things from you. Do you think I'm strange at all?

OP posts:
JediStoleMyBike · 26/03/2018 08:09

Hmm waiting for an explanation without the storytime 'imagine' schtick as I'm thoroughly confused!

Changedname3456 · 26/03/2018 08:10

Well for whatever reason I assume she sympathises with his version of the split and doesn’t want to get to know you. Or, as pp have said, she’s in a relationship with him.

GnotherGnu · 26/03/2018 08:13

More information needed. Is it the case, for instance, that your neighbour is only able to have any child for playdates every other weekend and that just happens to coincide when your ex has your child? What are the high risk activities?

Nousernameforme · 26/03/2018 08:20

So your friend is trying to get with your ex. Tbh that wouldn't bother me she knows hes abusive but you can't live her life for her.

However she is using your child to do it which is a bit grim.

I think I would in your case have a word with both people -her because I expect you will just get grief of off him- separately and say as they are maybe early days dating wise you would like this treated like any other relationship, and that is to keep your child out of it until they are sure where they are going with it.

Nousernameforme · 26/03/2018 08:22

Op has never said neighbour next door or otherwise

orangesmartieseggs · 26/03/2018 08:33

Op has never said neighbour next door or otherwise

It's right there in the title!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 26/03/2018 08:39

One of you is shagging the other's ex, though I'm not sure which because the first post is so confusing.

RoseAndRose · 26/03/2018 08:43

I found it a bit hard to pick through as well.

What I understood from it is that sometimes when XP has DC, they go on playdates. These include with someone the OP also knows, who only ever hosts those playdates during XP contact time. And appears never to mention them to OP.

All that suggests to me is that is that she is better friends with XP than with OP.

PlagiarismAndTheCuckoo · 26/03/2018 08:45

Well, so your neighbour is doing this with your DC, I assume (it would have been better if you had made your OP a bit clearer).

Your ex has given her his version of the situation and she believes what your ex is telling her. Simple as that.

You did too at one point, too, obviously. So I don't think you can actually be annoyed with her for making the exact same mistake that you did in falling for his bullshit.

You don't have a neighbour problem. You have an ex problem.

Agpie · 26/03/2018 08:50

I've read the OP several times and still can't work out if the ex is with the child at these times, or just the neighbour.

Agpie · 26/03/2018 08:57

How can an eight year old have a playdate without your knowledge?

Where did you think they were?

Onecutefox · 26/03/2018 08:57

Please write clearly. The message is too confusing.

Agpie · 26/03/2018 09:00

Is the child with the neighbour when it's supposed to be with the NR parent?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 26/03/2018 09:02

I think it is that the neighbour invites the OP's child over (and takes her to activities that OP considers risky) without ever telling the OP that she has her child. All playdates arranged with OP's abusive ex on his contact weekends. I get the impression that ex h is not present for playdates, which imo makes it worse because I think a nrp should be spending contact time with his child, not leaving them with friends.

Yes, I do think it is weird. I wouldn't like it at all. What are the activities? If you have safety concerns then I think you should get legal advice. Does your dd want playdates with neighbours child? Does neighbour pump her for information about you? I'd want answers to those questions before deciding my next course of action.

NC4Now · 26/03/2018 09:07

Weirdly written post.

So your neighbour is arranging play dates with your ex on his contact weekends, knowing your ex was abusive to you, and she never arranges anything with you when it is your weekend with DC? Is that right?

If you are good friends you should be able to talk about this. Ask her why.

Do you think your child is in danger?
I don’t think your ex has to tell you what activities they are doing in their time together.

Agpie · 26/03/2018 09:13

But does the neighbour take the child out with the ex or is the ex not present?

SparklyMagpie · 26/03/2018 09:15

Why did you reverse???

I'm completely confused by all of this

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 09:16

Iwanna yes, that's
what's happening. Dd doesn't ask to see her dd the rest of the time so I don't think she's that bothered about the friendship. I don't know whether she's being pumped for information or not - I feel completely in the dark here.

OP posts:
DarkPeakScouter · 26/03/2018 09:17

How odd!

Chathamhouserules · 26/03/2018 09:17

I don't see the problem really unless your neighbour is actively lying rather than just not mentioning it. Maybe she can only do play dates on his weekends. Have you invited neighbours dd to yours. Just mention casually to her that you hear your dd has been going to hers and see what she says.

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 09:21

nc4 contact arrangements are that she spends time with him. She has a potentially life threatening condition. Plus if being taken out for higher risk activities, supposing something happened, I imagine the emergency services would want to know why I had no clue where she was, who she was with, or what she was doing. I feel the buck stops with me and whether I'm there or not, ultimately I'm still her mum.

OP posts:
MrsEricBana · 26/03/2018 09:23

Odd reverse posts aside, your neighbour is completely out of order to do this. If your child and hers are friends I'd think no problem her having your child over to play when she's at your ex's BUT the secrecy is weird and not on and the high risk activities are not ok. You need to speak to your ex and her about this, and I'd agree she may be in a relationship with him or keen to be. Horrid situation for you.

Missingstreetlife · 26/03/2018 09:24

Doesn't your child find it odd that they don't see you when they are with your neighbour?

TanteRose · 26/03/2018 09:26

OP how did you find out about the arrangements?

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 09:31

missing that's what I'm also concerned about - it must be odd for dd to see her home, know I'm probably there, but be unable to contact me (and perhaps to know that I'm unaware she's there).

Tante through the dcs.

MrsEric I have tried talking to ex about this, and he promised to keep me informed Hmm

Sent neighbour a polite but firm text but haven't had a response.

OP posts: