Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Imagine I'm your neighbour

150 replies

user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 07:11

You're the mother and resident parent of a child the same age as mine. We've known each other for several years. I regularly (without your knowledge) arrange with the child's non-resident parent (who lives 10 miles away) to have your 8 year old round to play at my house without your knowledge.

I seem to know exactly which weekends your child spends with you and I don't contact you for playdates when she's with you. On several occasions I have taken your child out for higher risk activities and again you were not informed and only found out when the children told you. I'm aware there your ex was abusive to you and that he is likely to keep these things from you. Do you think I'm strange at all?

OP posts:
Chathamhouserules · 26/03/2018 16:39

Do you trust him to look after your dd and make good decisions or not? If you don't then surely you should go back to court. There's no reason that i can see he should tell you what his plans are for all the time he has her. The only difference is this person lives close to you.

MadMags · 26/03/2018 16:42

I haven’t made a snap judgement about your motivations. I’m saying that posters should be careful because if you were trolling or goading, this would be textbook.

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 16:44

Well, that's not the only issue. I think any time a friend or aqcuaintance tries to cut one parent out but maintain unsupervised contact with a child (especially the parent who is more vigilant about safety and safeguarding and who happens to be a neighbour) would ring alarm bells for most mothers.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 16:45

I've dealt pretty patiently with all the actual gfs on here mags

OP posts:
Chathamhouserules · 26/03/2018 16:49

How have they tried to cut you out?

sunshinesupermum · 26/03/2018 17:00

I would talk to your neighbour OP and tell her of the life threatening situation which she may not be aware of. Perhaps she could let you know when your DD is having a playdate with her child so that you know in advance and not find out from your DD afterwards. I would avoid confrontation with your X if he is of violent nature even if it is odd that he ships his daughter out on days he has her!

And FWIW ignore posters who are judging you!

Mumontherocks1 · 26/03/2018 17:07

How about you just do the right thing?

RainyApril · 26/03/2018 17:15

What is the risky activity they're subjecting her to?

RainyApril · 26/03/2018 17:18

And by 'as long as she's safe' I imagine most people would mean 'unless you have reason to believe she's being mistreated or put in danger'.

A play date with a school friend isn't danger, even if the father once looked at your dd in her pants. If you think it is, you should be reporting it to the authorities.

Boysnme · 26/03/2018 17:50

How many children do you have OP and is it just on DD that is playing there?

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 17:56

"Even if the father once looked at your dd in her pants" Rainy?! Hoping to god youre not in charge of safeguarding anyone vulnerable yourself with such flippancy.

That out the way, I'll be taking Sunshine's advice.

OP posts:
RiceBaby · 26/03/2018 18:06

You have no more right to have control over your daughter than her father does. You are bang out of line.

SouthWestmom · 26/03/2018 18:22

So, did the neighbour know you as a couple or just you alone and your ex alone?

We are friends with our neighbours. If we spilt up I'd be surprised if they didn't mention to me when we chatted/drank wine that they were seeing my dc regularly.

We are not friends but on nodding terms with other neighbours. If we split up, I can't imagine them knocking on my door to tell me they were seeing my dc regularly.

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 18:28

I've known her for years and we've always been on friendly terms. Used to do plenty of playdates together, but after the weirdness with her husband i made sure I was present. She didn't really know my ex when we were together.

OP posts:
SouthWestmom · 26/03/2018 18:32

Oh well I'm with you on it being weird then. That's like my first example. You'd think she'd mention it to you.

ichifanny · 26/03/2018 18:44

She’s your child of course it’s your business who’s house she is left in for periods of time , if approach neighbour and ask nicely what’s going on , say you are confused about the situation and find it odd your daughter is playing in a house a few doors away and no one is saying anything . If neighbour is decent then you have no problem of she goes apeshit or there’s something strange going on you can go from there .

RainyApril · 26/03/2018 20:06

*Hoping to god you're not in charge of safeguarding anyone
*
He looked at your dd when you were all using a communal changing room. I used a communal changing room yesterday and probably looked at some people. What are you accusing him of? If you think he's a danger to children you need to report it. Otherwise it just looks like you're trying to invent something to support your theory that your dd is allowed playdates on your days only.

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 22:07

Thanks ichi yes that's basically what I put in my text,in as many words. This was yesterday evening and I've still had no reply.

OP posts:
Blit · 26/03/2018 22:24

Well, I think it's weird, I can't work out the logistics of how this works when he lives 10 miles away. Does he pick her up and drop her back to you, or does he take her back to his?

There's a piece of the puzzle missing somewhere.

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 22:36

Yes, he picks her up and takes her back to his. Or they drive the ten miles to his house. All a bit peculiar. I keep thinking about dd's condition and how they could find themselves having to make a life or death decision about what to do, meanwhile I'm a few yards away, blissfully unaware that she's even there. It's scary.

OP posts:
HarryElephante · 26/03/2018 22:46

Professor Plum with the candlestick in the study?

RainyApril · 26/03/2018 23:00

Well you used to let dd go on play dates to this house so presumably you trusted them to look after her and know what to do in an emergency.

I expect your xh has given advice and can be contacted in that situation. They would also be able to knock on your door wouldn't they?

She's not going to reply to your text.

Original poster
user1487175389 · 27/03/2018 06:47

You're not really grasping the situation Rainy. Do you have kids to go and see to, or something else you could do?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1487175389 · 27/03/2018 10:39

For anyone reading this who may also be worried about a child in a similar situation: The NSPCC have advised me my concerns are valid, and my request for communication is reasonable. I have been advised to seek mediation.

OP posts:
LineysRun · 27/03/2018 10:49

Yes, he picks her up and takes her back to his. Or they drive the ten miles to his house

Aren't they the same place? I'm sorry I'm still a bit confused by this.

I get the bit that you don't know she's close by, and I agree that's a bit odd.

Swipe left for the next trending thread