Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Imagine I'm your neighbour

150 replies

user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 07:11

You're the mother and resident parent of a child the same age as mine. We've known each other for several years. I regularly (without your knowledge) arrange with the child's non-resident parent (who lives 10 miles away) to have your 8 year old round to play at my house without your knowledge.

I seem to know exactly which weekends your child spends with you and I don't contact you for playdates when she's with you. On several occasions I have taken your child out for higher risk activities and again you were not informed and only found out when the children told you. I'm aware there your ex was abusive to you and that he is likely to keep these things from you. Do you think I'm strange at all?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 26/03/2018 12:21

What does your 8 year old tell you?

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 12:26

Very little. Then again she has a speech impediment amongst other things

OP posts:
RainyApril · 26/03/2018 12:57

You can't control everything she does during his contact time.

If he's dumping her there for an entire day then that's a shame, that he doesn't want to spend every minute with her.

But if she goes for a couple of hours, seems to enjoy it, it is occasionally reciprocated, then that's fine surely?

I assume you arrange playdates during your contact time too, and don't check the details with him.

You'd get further with the neighbour, in terms of getting her onside and keeping you informed, if you'd approached it differently imo.

upsideup · 26/03/2018 12:58

Wheres the decpetion? If they didnt want you to know they wouldnt be bringing her next door where you would be very likely to see her.

Angelf1sh · 26/03/2018 13:04

Your ex has every right to do what activities he wants with his daughter on his contact days and can ask others to join in. IMO you’re completely in the wrong on this one OP, you’re coming across as jealous too because your ex is probably in a relationship with your neighbour. I also can’t understand why you didn’t just write it normally.

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 13:06

It's not next door, but literally a stones throw. The deception is quite obvious, as others have pointed out. She's a kid, she deserves to enjoy her childhood and play with friends without this added burden of having to keep things from me. If I was regularly leaving her at his neighbour's house without telling him, I'm sure he would see that as odd. They didn't even know one another before we split.

I'm trying to put myself in her shoes, and I just can't imagine a situation where I would have a child in my house knowing that her mother, her main carer, was a few yards away and had no idea she was there. What if something serious had happened?! Then again, I'm an upfront person.

OP posts:
Thatsquiteenough · 26/03/2018 13:19

You're not listening to us OP.

It is NONE of your business what he does on his contact time as it is none of HIS on yours.

If it concerns you that much, ask the neighbour.

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 13:24

I'm not sure who 'us' is. This post has gathered the full range of views.

Most mothers who have escaped abusive partners are acutely aware that, whatever the law may say, the buck does, in practise, stop with them. Society blames mothers, rather than fathers, for not doing more to protect their children. And I would certainly blame myself.

OP posts:
TheOrigBrave · 26/03/2018 13:29

I left an abusive partner. When DS is with his Dad he has full responsibility for him.

I can't think of any law that would hold the parent who does not have responsibility for the child at the time, accountable for anything that happened to the child (regardless of residency status).

That you would blame yourself is an entirely different issue.

If you have reason to believe your daughter is not safe with your ex then you need to put things in place to stop him having contact.

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 13:56

Well, if I don't even have the right to know where she is, when she's a few yards away, it seems highly unlikely that I have the right to 'put anything in place' as you describe.

OP posts:
TheOrigBrave · 26/03/2018 14:01

You don't have the right when your ex has contact, because he does.

If you don't think she's safe then you go back to Court. Do you have a Court Order?

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 14:01

Actually, I've just looked up parental responsibility in the UK, and it says that day to day decisions about the child fall to the resident parent.

OP posts:
SunshineAfterRain · 26/03/2018 14:03

The situation is strange.
I suppose what ex does with the child on his time is his business as long as he is with the child. But he is not.
I don't understand is why is he just leaving the child with this person? He should be bonding with the child. If he wants the child to have a play date fine but he should be there to supervise.
It's as if he like the fact you are not aware/ comfortable with the situation.

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 14:12

It is strange. You would think with a few days a month with her he'd want to be there too.

As I've hinted at, he was pretty foul towards me and has continued to be. I'm also a bit concerned about her husband, if I'm honest, as there was an occasion in thr past where we were both changing our dds in a communal changing room and he was really staring at my dd. Made me feel very uncomfortable. Not meaning to drip feed.

OP posts:
Adarajames · 26/03/2018 14:15

Not meaning to drop feed and drops whole pools worth Ian's changes whole focus of op! Hmm

Adarajames · 26/03/2018 14:16

Grrrr damned autocorrect! AND changes...

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 16:04

This isn't a novel, I haven't had any editors in. It's just a mumsnet post, written by someone who isn't perfect. Like everyone else here.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 26/03/2018 16:16

Op, you really don't have any say in what your dd does when she's with her father as long as she's safe.

Objecting to a playdate with a school friend is a long way from reasonable.

Your comment about the way your neighbour's dh once looked at your dd is also odd. Unless you have more than a single look to go on, you can't go around accusing anyone of anything or insinuating that he's a danger to children.

Your neighbour and your xh have become friends. Their dc play together sometimes on 'his' days.

They're not keeping it a secret, they're just not telling you, because it's none of your business.

What is the risky activity you think they subject her to?

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 16:22

I'm not sure it's my comment that's odd. I'd say staring at a small child in their pants is odder than writing about it.

Priorities.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 16:24

I'm not sure I really follow the logic here. On one hand "you have no right to know what your child is doing" and yet in the next breath "as long as she's safe". How can I know whether she's safe if I have no right to know where she even is?

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 26/03/2018 16:27

But you do know where she is...

MadMags · 26/03/2018 16:33

You didn’t need to write a reverse to get perspectives.

All you’ve done is type a confusing OP, give short barely there answers to some questions, and drip fed a possible paedophile.

I think people need to tread carefully here...

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 16:33

Not really. I'm not being informed directly, he's leaving it up to the children to tell me whose care they've been in, and it's upsetting for my eldest to have that responsibility put on her shoulders.

No reason at all he can't just be upfront about it, especially as I'm likely to bump into my own daughter, and be shocked to say the least.

OP posts:
TheOrigBrave · 26/03/2018 16:34

You can't know, but if you believe your DD is being abused then you should go to the police or back to Court.

I don't think you making decisions (as the resident parent) on day to day matter means that you have a right to know where your DD is when another person with parental responsibility has your child.

Maybe you should seek legal advice.

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 16:36

I'm not sure what makes you feel you know enough about me to make a snap judgement about me and my motivation mags? Seems unnecessary. Maybe you're just looking for confrontation?

OP posts: