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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Imagine I'm your neighbour

150 replies

user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 07:11

You're the mother and resident parent of a child the same age as mine. We've known each other for several years. I regularly (without your knowledge) arrange with the child's non-resident parent (who lives 10 miles away) to have your 8 year old round to play at my house without your knowledge.

I seem to know exactly which weekends your child spends with you and I don't contact you for playdates when she's with you. On several occasions I have taken your child out for higher risk activities and again you were not informed and only found out when the children told you. I'm aware there your ex was abusive to you and that he is likely to keep these things from you. Do you think I'm strange at all?

OP posts:

IAmWonkoTheSane · 26/03/2018 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 26/03/2018 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Agpie · 26/03/2018 09:38

Perhaps he's paying her.

Lotuslots · 26/03/2018 09:45

No idea what is happening.

pizzapine · 26/03/2018 09:45

I'd be annoyed at this and concerned how your DD feels about this x

hannahturning30 · 26/03/2018 09:45

OK, the reverse makes this difficult to understand but from what I gather you're mother of the child, your daughter has contact with her father, who was abusive to you.

During Dad's contact time he, and your neighbour, arrange for your daughter to have playdates for your respective daughters. You've not been made aware of this, perhaps been told by dd?

I would find the situation odd, I would possibly think that the person instigating the playdates is interested in the other parent. Unless ex was friendly with the neighbours prior to you separating in which case I don't think it's strange to have continued that friendship.

Your neighbour may not realise you aren't aware of the playdates, she may feel uncomfortable herself if your ex was the one who approached her. Speaking from experience after a situation where a father kept approaching (and pushing) me to arrange playdates for our daughters during his contact time. I found the whole thing very uncomfortable.

Regarding the high risk activities and life threatening condition, it's difficult to give an opinion without any details. I would hope your daughter isn't being put at risk but only you can assess that risk.

TheVanguardSix · 26/03/2018 09:49

It was Col. Mustard in the Billiard Room with the lead pipe.
Have I cracked it?

TheVanguardSix · 26/03/2018 09:52

Joking aside, it's all wrong. But there's not really much you can do about it, other than invite your neighbour's kid to yours and get to know your neighbour better.

Thatsquiteenough · 26/03/2018 09:53

Does he get a say in what you do with his daughter on your contact time?

Does he text anyone who she has playdates with on YOUR contact time?

Didn't think so.

Thatsquiteenough · 26/03/2018 09:54

And the abuse is sadly irrelevant.

My DP's ex is and was a hideously abusive shit but still gets their DD 50% of the time.

KittenBeast · 26/03/2018 10:03

Confused, OP stop trying to be clever and just write down what's fucking going on.

JessicaJonesJacket · 26/03/2018 10:14

Your neighbour and your ex would know that you'd find out about it. It's not as though your DD isn't going to mention that she's at the neighbour's house for a playdate.
Yy it's odd but your ex can decide to arrange playdates during his contact time.
The issue of high risk activities is more serious imo. Perhaps you should arrange an appointment for yourself and your ex with your DD's GP to get advice on appropriate and inappropriate activities.

TheOrigBrave · 26/03/2018 10:19

I think I get it.

Trying to put myself in the situation.
It would be my ex arranging playdates with DS's friend and a school parent that lives next door to me.

Wouldn't bother me, just would think it was a bit odd knowing my DS was playing next door when it was ex's contact time. I'd think that my
ex was trying to show me how great he is at arranging playdates or something. I wouldn't care if there was anything between my ex and the other parent...none of my business.

What sort of high risk activities do you mean?

upsideup · 26/03/2018 10:27

So your ex is friends with your neighbour they both have children the same age so arrange playdates when you ex has your child.
There really is nothing wrong with that.

Schmonday · 26/03/2018 10:38

You have no say on what your ex does on his contact time, just as he has no say what you do on yours. The fact that he is fostering relationships with your child's friends is great - just sounds like you're jealous because the mum doesn't include you in this. Maybe you should make more of an effort? Your tone says for more than you words do...

ohreallyohreallyoh · 26/03/2018 10:41

If the neighbour is just a neighbour, I would suggest she is an adult who is at liberty to arrange whatever play dates she wants for her child.

If the neighbour is a friend, who is fully aware of the abuse, I would suggest she is not really a friend and is playing games to keep your ex on her side. Her reasons for that could be anything, but most likely she is in a relationship with him, or wants to be. I would back right off.

Bekabeech · 26/03/2018 10:56

I imagine the emergency services would want to know why I had no clue where she was, who she was with, or what she was doing. I feel the buck stops with me and whether I'm there or not, ultimately I'm still her mum.
This is wrong - assuming you both have parental responsibility for your DD, if it is in his contact time then your Ex is ultimately responsible. Even more as your neighbour is over 16 then she is deemed to be old enough to be responsible.
So legally when your DD is with her then she is responsible, with the buck stopping at your EX. However if you think she doesn't know about your DD's life threatening condition - then I would probably inform her of both it and the consequences (in a non confrontational - I just thought you should know, kind of way).

But if your DDs condition could be triggered by the activities then you might have a case in court, but only might (eg. Epilepsy triggered by light, and she takes her to theme parks).

NoSquirrels · 26/03/2018 11:02

Sounds odd.

So you live with your 8 year old DD. You & DD don’t especially socialise with your neighbour. On contact weekends with her dad, she’s spending time with your neighbour, not at her dads 20 miles away. And it’s never mentioned?

Being charitable- neighbour likes your DH and doesn’t believe he was abudive, so is not mentioning it to you.

Likely neighbour is in a relationship or would like to be with your ex husband.

Extremely likely your ex husband is exploiting the situation in some way to manipulate everyone.

How often has it happened? My 8 year old wouldn’t have kept a secret like that, I’d have heard the first time.

dancingthroughthedark · 26/03/2018 11:08

Still pretty confused but would you not notice if your child was next door? At that age mine would have been waving over the fence and I would most likely have heard them too. do you not notice them going off in the car to these activities?

AuntLydia · 26/03/2018 11:15

I dunno. I'm on the fence with this one. You say she knows he was abusive, presumably if she's friends with him she doesn't believe he is? And what people deem high risk is subjective I guess. Especially if you factor in your child's health condition whatever it is. Are we talking roller skating or bungee jumping?

I did bypass a resident mum last year when I invited a child to my lad's sleepover. She hates me and takes it out on my kids. Our boys are friends but there is no way on earth she'd allow him to stay here. Sleepover happened to fall on a night he was with his dad so I asked him instead.

StaplesCorner · 26/03/2018 11:22

This sounds like a nightmare! I couldn't cope with that - doesn't your child ask to go home (as in to your home)?

So I assume a frank conversation with the ex - along the lines of she may as well be at home with you as she is not with him and often only next door - is out? Would you go round to see the neighbour or is it a text only relationship?

PrettyLittIeThing · 26/03/2018 11:31

So your ex is friends with your neighbour they both have children the same age so arrange playdates when you ex has your child.
There really is nothing wrong with that.

See I feel the same as this. I can't see anything wrong. How did you not know they were with your neighbour? My kids would want to come and knock to see me.

Schmonday · 26/03/2018 11:40

I couldn't cope with that - doesn't your child ask to go home (as in to your home)? So I assume a frank conversation with the ex - along the lines of she may as well be at home with you as she is not with him and often only next door - is out?

Staples that is awful - every child should be allowed for form friendships. It is wonderful that the father is facilitating this as it seems the mother has social difficulties seems a bit of a bitch so is unable to do so herself.

Original poster

user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 12:08

My child has plenty of other friendships, thanks Schmonday, and none of them revolve around deception.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1487175389 · 26/03/2018 12:09

staples I don't know if she does. It's all so cloak and dagger.

OP posts:

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