Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU Not invited to friends wedding

114 replies

redpassport · 25/03/2018 10:05

I'm not sure what to think, but I do feel a bit put out and upset by this.
I've been friends with her for about 7 years and I thought reasonably close. We socialise together regularly etc. I've been very supportive over the past 7 years towards her through relationships, jobs, life etc.
She met a guy approx 2 years ago and I'm very happy for her. All her dreams have been answered. New home, new partner and a lovely life ahead of her.
I've been asked to be part of her hen weekend as a group of 4 "close" friends and it'll cost me more than a few quid - that's fine but.....when it comes to the wedding I'm not invited. The wedding will be a good 45/1 hour drive away in the middle of nowhere, but I'm invited to the evening - again it'll cost me an overnight in a very expensive area. I've no issue with the idea of an overnight or the cost, but I'm less enthusiastic about it when I'm clearly not considered as a close enough friend to attend the wedding itself......AIBU?
Clearly it's her choice who to or not to invite to her wedding, I get that...but it's still a little hard to swallow....

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 25/03/2018 10:13

I think YABU (maybe). Do you know how the venue is, are other friends going who you are surprised at? If its not a big venue, and other friends arent invited either, I would assume that guest spaces are taken mostly by family. One of my friends got married 2 years ago, and he only had 2 friends at the ceremony. DP was one, I wasnt (so no partners). I assumed when I read the title that you werent invited at all.

Re the cost. Personally I wouldnt bother with a hen that was really expensive. I think its a bit rude to put your friends into financial difficulty (would be for me) to attend what is supposed to just me a fun and simple celebration. But that depends on your financial circumstances.

If its only an hour away, cant you just drive home? If you want to drink, then get a cab. I live rurally and an hour taxi each way would still be cheaper than a hotel. Or even drive there, taxi home, and then have a friend drop you back at the car the next day.

Awrite · 25/03/2018 10:16

Depends on how many people are invited to the ceremony. If loads, I'd be hurt and perhaps not willing to spend £££ on the evening do.

Devilishpyjamas · 25/03/2018 10:17

How many people are going to the actual day wedding? If something like 5 that’s fine, if 120 I wouldn’t be bothering with an expensive hen do!

PotteringAlong · 25/03/2018 10:18

45mins away is not in the middle of nowhere! Drive home or get a taxi with a group of others

CuriousMama · 25/03/2018 10:18

Are the other hens going?

Devilishpyjamas · 25/03/2018 10:19

Evening invitations don’t bother me at all btw - but a hen weekend is a big commitment and ££££’s and i’d Feel a bit silly if everyone else was going to the whole thing.

Quartz2208 · 25/03/2018 10:19

You are invited just to the evening bit. How many are going to 5he ceremony e4c

user1483387154 · 25/03/2018 10:19

Yabu

Loraline · 25/03/2018 10:20

It all depends on the day. My Dsis had strictly immediate family only to ceremony and dinner. My boyfriend couldn't come as he was relatively new. The groom didn't invite his granny. It was parents and siblings only. Everyone else was an evening invite

LML83 · 25/03/2018 10:22

If the ceremony is very small, parents and siblings only then YABU.

Otherwise YANBU. I wouldn't go to the effort of hen unless it was something I really wanted to do.

Lichtie · 25/03/2018 10:25

The hen do and the evening part are the fun bits anyway. Just enjoy it and don't over think it.

SandAndSea · 25/03/2018 10:28

I'm planning a tiny wedding and have spoken to people close to me well in advance to let them know our thoughts and check that they're OK with it all. I've let them know that if anyone was going to be invited, it would be them. I did that because I care about them and it's kinda obvious that people get upset about these things. Organising a wedding is often tricky but I would question the relationship if there hasn't been some kind of explanatory discussion.

Original poster
redpassport · 25/03/2018 10:29

There are 60 attending the wedding, and at least two of the four "hens" are invited to the day.
A taxi would cost as much as an overnight :-(

OP posts:
shakeyourcaboose · 25/03/2018 10:32

Are these 2 closer friends or relatives?

CuriousMama · 25/03/2018 10:33

I hope you have other friends as she isn't a true one if other hens are going.

It would be soured for me now and I'd bow out of it totally.

elQuintoConyo · 25/03/2018 10:34

Don't go to either.

You'd spend £100+ for the hen party but they won't spend the same on inviting you to the food part of the wedding (the breakfast? Not au fait with terminology).

I cannot stand evening invites only, very much B-list.

demirose87 · 25/03/2018 10:36

It depends on a few things. Do you consider her a very close friend and does she regard your friendship in the same way you do?
How many other close friends are invited to the wedding?
If it's limited numbers and mostly family attending the wedding, then I wouldn't be too hurt. However, if you see her as one of your very close friends I can understand why you would be feeling this way.
If you feel you have been purposefully excluded then I wouldn't be going to the hen or the evening party and would either do one of two things: Ask her why you haven't been invited, or slowly distance yourself. This depends on the questions above though.

Original poster
redpassport · 25/03/2018 10:37

Clearly closer friends. Hmmm......

OP posts:
Original poster
redpassport · 25/03/2018 10:39

The hen weekend will cost me about £300 which under normal circumstances I'd suck up. I'm not financially tight but it's a good months food shop especially when you're not considered good enough to go to the event.

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 25/03/2018 10:40

I wouldn’t go on that basis, I wouldn’t dream of inviting hens that weren’t going to the full wedding. People can’t expect folk to spend money on expensive hen, and travel there and back for an evening do, would totally be different if you were invited to the full day.

MrsFezziwig · 25/03/2018 10:41

If there are only 4 people close enough to be invited to the hen do and you are one of them, then unless the wedding is family only then yes I would expect to be invited to the wedding. More likely it’s only a small hen do because she knows that others aren’t daft enough to shell out loads of money on a fancy hen do.

Original poster
redpassport · 25/03/2018 10:42

In fact, the reason for the post it that I was out for dinner with her on Friday when she told me that the invites had already been given. I nearly chocked on my burger lol but was too embarrassed to say anything at the time as there were others in our company

OP posts:
Scotstar · 25/03/2018 10:43

One of my best friends got married last August. She was one of my bridesmaids and I consider us to be very close(even helped her choose her wedding dress) however I wasn't invited to her wedding during the day. Her sister was her bridesmaid and it was mostly family during the day. It hurt in that i would have loved to see her do her vows but....their day, their choice. The evening is the most fun bit for most people anyway!

Bitchywaitress · 25/03/2018 10:43

I think it's really disgraceful to invite someone to a hen do and not the wedding unless it is a private ceremony with just parents or similar.

What are you supposed to do at the hen when the other girls start talking excitably about getting ready, the ceremony and the meal?

Poor form YADNBU! I would decline the invite and send her a card and a gift of a book on etiquette

Dancingmonkey87 · 25/03/2018 10:46

I would be honest with her and just say your disappointed and it’s not cost effective to be shelling out so much money to attend the evening there and back especially when your paying so much to attend the hen. Out of four friends she’s invited half yet expect the other two to shell out 600 to attend her hen.She could easily add another two friends to the guest list.

Swipe left for the next trending thread